28/5/14

havent written in a long time, which is understandable since exams are soon. but ofcourse the one day i do write, it's about him. I'm too fucking angry, I feel like stabbing, I don't wanna see his face again, so i don't smash it.

and then he says that i'm getting him angry, as if he has the fucking right.

just so fucking hurtful and selfish. I've been so loving and needy as always, why can't i learn to be normal and not attach nor get affected by this bullshit.

The worst part is that my depression is acting up since i havent had any pills for a few days, and now they gave me 2 packets in one go, and I've been obsessing about it all day.


I need this year to fucking end

8/5/14

I'm finding my dreams to be more of a reality than my day to day life. I'm not sure if that makes sense, or if it's psychotic, but I keep wanting to go back to sleep to know what's going in my subconscious.

So far I've gotten into an argument with my best friend, started throwing my lectures and breaking stuff, only because she wouldn't explain something to me properly and was messing around when I was in a bad mode - which is totally something I would do.

I pretended to faint infront of my family members and face planted to make it more believable while believing it myself in a way, but nobody cared and I had to get up and go hide somewhere to cry.
My ex showed up at my birthday party infront of everyone with a lawyer sueing me.
He also showed up and parked at my house while another girl did to whom they were dating and she left some kids in her car while getting into his car, I made sure my parents found out to take care of the kids but they wouldn't care less what the girl was doing which angered me because I wanted them both punished, and I confronted them saying she's been inlove with him ever since she first laid eyes on him, and apparently he noticed her at his psychiatrists appointment which made them get into the relationship and that hurt my feels, she later on messaged me thanking me for introducing him to her but the message was all jumbeled.
I also was driving around my country and getting lost - like i usually do in the summer and it always gets me anxious - and then some kids helped me out, i ended up driving to Kaws place where I got into an accident for swerved too soon - something i'm always afraid of - and my breaks were crap, the guy came out and he's this chubby dude that's married and said he was in my school, I was yelling at my mom on the phone cause she kept interrupting me when i wanted to tell her about the accident.
And i was also trying to figure out how to meet my family at the airport, with or without hijab.

what's the result of all these random dreams? Missed a day of work, missed my psychiatrist appointment and I'm still in bed, being anxious and angry about some fucking dreams that aren't even real.

Maybe I am being psychotic.

25/4/14

I am going out of mind mind. Hoodie Allen acoustic songs in the background, in this dark bedroom and the window open to get some air. the temperature keeps raising and I am more agitated and hopeless by the day. on one said there's him just being a child, being nice, asking me out, being mean. Dude, if you wish you had never met me, why are you adding to the pressure I'm under? Why can't guys be nice for the sake of being nice to me and enjoying my company, it just has to be a relationship. just like that dumbass doctor, if i reject you, stop being nice to ask me out over, and over again.

And then those "friends" that come and complain that I cut them off, while they're hanging out with him when in town instead of me. Childish? I remember back when my ex cheated on me and my best friend gave out to him and lost respect for him after what he's done, he didn't punch him in the face, but i really respected that. so stop bitching.

I want to think of the happy times, and focus on that. Like date night with my bestie a few days ago where she was very spontaneous and took me out to the beach all dressed up for Lobster where we pretended to be fancy. or dancing with Stelios parents while taking shots of lemon liquor. having a whole break from my actual vacation to lay down with shay in bed and talk about life.


This shithole of a place is sucking me dry. I mean, what am I supposed to do with my parents situation? I have to go back home at some point and face my issues. is this what Karma is? me thinking of my own happiness in the beginning of the year is also the cause of my anxiety? but i have been stressed every time i go back home and having to put on the headscarf again. how can i make things fine? and when am i gonna start studying for my finals. what about elective? why the fuck am i not in the gym?
I sleep, wake up, lay in bed, sleep and the cycle goes on. Also there's the occasional food that i have no appetite for. watching all those dumbass shows instead of reading all those novels i've got. haven't seen my therapist in ages. i just feel stuck. i know what i'm supposed to do, i just need to fucking do it.


"We should take a walk someday, dream about what could've been"

I should've really smoked up a little today, i'm technically a stoner without the drugs.

I cannot do this. I need me a drink.

23/4/14

I Have no idea why i got so nervous leaving the house today. i felt relaxed when he wasnt in class. then when he walked in i got nervous again. part of me wanted to text him today, but i told myself it's for the best. we could've been happy, but so would every relationship in the world if it was a good fit.

just because you miss someone, just because it hurts, it does not mean you should fight for it.

and I hate that he wore that hoodie. i have nobody to watch that show with anymore.

part of me wanted him to text me today, but i'm glad he didn't because his happiness is important aswell.


I miss having someone put their hands on my back, cuddling, being boring in bed together.

20/8/14

"Home" started playing on 8tracks.com. it made me remember the time when we first met.

people really do change.

So many things happened in the past 24 hours, Al wasn't at the airport, which was a relief in a way, yet a reality check, that this is happening all over again.

Oh, the dancing with my Greek friends parents last night, seeing what true love is all about. Beautiful. especially how i was sent off to the airport. 

18/4/14

i've been contemplating why i'm talking to Al this week, especially that he's a major reason to why i'm taking the break. he's just dragging my spirit and going way off with the travel plans and hanging out, even if it is charming, it did show a sort of impulsive that is alarming. because we could break up on an impulse aswell. last night we had an argument and i couldn't enjoy my night out with the girls, i noticed after 3 shots i did start to loosen up and dance, but then the anger showed up again and i ended up talking to him and arguing and crying, it wasn't as dramatic as before, but it still wasn't a way to spend the holidays. i noticed how temporary my happiness was with alcohol and that i needed more to keep up with it, but i controlled myself because that's a slippery slope i shouldn't go through.

I told him not to speak to me again and it seems that whatever this week was has finally ended, the only problem is, although we broke up 6 weeks ago, having to say it again feels like another break up that starts the grieving process all over again. i hate this. i shouldn't be feeling down. but that's what he always does. get under my skin then disappear on an on and off basis, this doesn't mean that i want him back, but why couldnt he just stay away after the break up so i can properly get over him. talking back and forth about how we can be together is only messing with my emotions. if it's over i need it to be properly over.

in 24 hours i'll be packing my stuff back home, this isn't how i'm supposed to end my vacation. this is not the clarity i had hoped for.

damn you and your mind games. and at the end of the day yes, you will have your friends to support you even if you were momentarily alone, and i'll still be fucked in the head. and yes i know this is more of a chase to him than true love, which also isn't healthy for my sanity. and yes there's a chance you're gonna try and find this blog again and read all of this, but fuck it, you hurt me, karma needs to hurt you back.

Men are disgusting and drain the life out of you.

14/4/14

the amount of fuckery of the past two nights was unbelievable, and then he gives me an LOL and an OK as if im exaggerating.
i'm glad im not in the same fucking country, managed to have a great day without the phone around me and meeting new people,
talking about marriage. men and their bullshit to get back with a girl. i didnt even give him a chance and he still managed to get into my head and mess up my self confidence about not finding anyone that would have the same "lifestyle" i want. it's making me question his past relationship and if that's why it was so on and off.
fuck this, good night.

8/4/14

I almost asked for Al's help today, i need to be yanked out of bed and forced to study. his mom talked to me a few days ago, i wonder if he asked her to.

but i was worried it might get messy if i stay with him for a bit, i dont want anything sexual, i just need someone to take care of me really.

6/4/14

I wish I had him right now. I feel like shit, so much shit. I need a hug, I need cuddles, I need him to play with my hair, I need someone to playfully pus me into studying. Fuck you, Al. you ruined everything.

Fuck you, family.
Fuck you, med school.
Fuck you, friends.
Fuck you, society.
Fuck you, religion.
Fuck you, sex.
Fuck you, drugs.

Just love me. Love me for who I am. Love me for my flaws. Why does there have to be fights?

5/4/14

exams in a few days, gonna start studying today, we'll see how that goes.

went to a house party with my roommate last night, it started off awkward and as i didn't know anyone there, but then i loosened up, sang, danced, talked. even ended up talking politics all night with this Arab guy with fro, it was very interesting and i wasn't sure if there were chemistry or not. he asked if he'll ever see me again, and i said that we'll see. he was pretty cute and wasn't too forward, we didn't dance or do anything, but at the end of the night his friend came along and he was like: "i'm talking to you all night, but what was your name again?" I gave him my death stare, then he laughed, grabbed my hand and said B. he gave me a warm hug and left. I'm not sure how old he is coz he thought i was doing my PhD and when i told him i'm only 23, he was a little shocked and said: "oh, wow. you're young'. A lebanese guy grabbed my hand at some point and started Salsa dancing with me, he was pretty attractive, but i didn't get a chance to learn his name, coz we had to leave. There were also 4 girls that were pretty awesome, one lived in Australia, one was just hilarious and kept taking photos of me and Fro dude while we talked, one was the typical white girl whom i gave some life lessons, she said we'll hook up later, im hoping she means hang out.. and then was one who's originally from Tunisia and lives in Sweden, i played an Arab song for her and we belly danced together. and also those two guys who were friends with my roommate, they came over for an afterparty and were pretty hilarious.

It really cheered me up meeting people that weren't from college for one. especially that earlier in the day i was feeling horrible about my situation with Al..

3/4/14

ok, so the doctor kinda asked me out. he literally just texted about going to a movie. i'm not sure how i feel about this. it's been pretty crazy with Al, all those texts and pleads. i emailed him about stuff he should be doing for the next month before he's allowed to speak to me. At the same time, i miss sex. i miss dick. I've been very horny lately, i want someone to grab me from my hair and kiss me hard. But even if Al changes, I'm not sure I can be sexual with him after than drunken night. The next month will prove to me if this is it between us.

As for the other dude, i don't think i'm really into him, but I like the attention, it's not too much or in my face, but i can tell he likes me. He's known me for about a month now and all he could come up with is if there's any good movies around.

Meh, i should be studying, rather than thinking of boys. man, this must be how guys feel like all the time. damn you, pussy.

31/1/14

Let's just hope i attend my final week and start studying.

He's been texting me lately, such a bad idea that will bite me in the ass later. I shouldn't be responding and I will regret this. I'm so worried that he's gonna keep texting and I'm just gonna get riled up instead of focusing on my studies.

He keeps saying that he's changing, as long as I don't meet him, this will relatively be kept under control.

pride, pride, pride, you need to walk with pride and not be shaken down by word of a boy. the boy who disrespected you and was horrible to you when he got drunk. horrible. humans have different sides, but you don't have to handle a side that's this ugly, no matter how sweet the other small side appears to be, it's only temporary. it's always when you first get back together, then prince charming always turns into a beast. keep that in mind. every single time, it's been like this. and you deserve so much better, you can do so much better.

It's easy to get back to your comfort zone, but there's 7 billion people in the world, there's bound to be one that's at least respectful to you.

Love is stupid. warmth is subjective.


get. it. together.

28/3/14

Yesterday was surreal. I actually attended, and the cute doctor was helpful and I did a few exams, we even got to talking afterwards and it turns out he's 23, damn son! He asked me about my age and when I told him that I'm turning 23 tomorrow he said he's gonna have to get me a present now, I'm not expecting one, but it did cheer me up. I then went shopping and got myself this tiny bag that I wanted last year that's back in stock, had lunch with friends, got home and studied a little but then went to bed. And then at midnight someone opens my bedroom door then closes it again, it was a little weird. But it turned out to be 5 of my friends surprising me. 2 of them got me cupcakes, then one of them came from her peripheral with her own cake, and then the other one got more and they ended up pushing me Into one of the cakes, which lead to a food fight. It was so spontaneous and I loved it! I was surprised that Ab didn't even text me, while the Ham situation is still debatable, because I know he probably wants me to celebrate on sat to make it to al's birthday today, which I'm not gonna lie upset me when his friend called me to invite me... I can't believe they wanted me to tag along to his birthday even tho we don't speak and on my date. God this group is dumb. I smoked up a little and then saw a text from Al. I hate him but it made me smile. It was the perfect thing to say, especially that I kept complaining to my friends that I want a birthday princess Tiara today so I could wear. Why does he have to be such an asshole, when we could've been happy together? I still believe It's this thing he does where he doesn't like stability and gets bored, also let's not forget that friends always come first to him. When he texted I was pretty high and decided to text him the lyrics to the song in the background of the living room. Perfect timing, I guess. We used to listen to it around dawn when we first met, and I was thinking of him when he texted. For all I know he could be texting coz he feels sorry for me, rather than love. But people need to stop feeling sorry for me, cos I'm gonna be fine eventually. Hopefully I'll study this weekend. And now I'm gonna go to class late, but It's better than not going. :)


6pm

I have to get ready, there's a million things to do and I just keep reading last night's text. I dunno why it makes me feel so harm yet so sad. He texted me a few times afterwards, but there's no point in talking or meeting. I'm proud of myself for being strong and not going out with him today, and he did apologise but it just hurts that people want to chase you down, just to screw things up once they have you. I'm pretty sure there's thing that I could've done better in this relationship, but I don't think I'm victimising myself when I say he fucked up and treated me badly.

Remember , as much as that text was sweet, this was the same person that grabbed your hair, and then discussed your sex life in front of people. Don't forget that and go soft.

23. Better get my shit together.

26/3/14

Didn't attend, all I got from her was a cold text, Al's friends called inviting me to his birthday on Friday to make it a "joint" birthday, clearly he doesnt know we don't speak, and it makes sense why our mutual friends said to have my birthday on Saturday "because they're on peripherals", it'a gonna be an amazing week.. even more reasons as to why I need to cut more people off, as Childish as it sounds. But this is just causing me more anxiety, making me feel lonelier this week.

posted from Bloggeroid

25/3/14

Another day spent in bed. another day with no studying. how am i going to pass?

I can't believe i'm turning 23 feeling like this.

Isn't it funny how one guy managed to fuck over so many girls? This isn't me victimising myself. I'm just thinking objectively of his past relationships and how they all screw up in school when they date him, maybe they were just depressed. And then he manages to pull through each time, because why should he care? So interesting how people chase you down, just to bring you down.


Edit:

12:58AM

That was a low blow. if me being honest and letting a friend know that they're messing up, causes them to shun me and not even bother to say goodbye to me when they leave, then i guess i've made another mistake with distinguishing real friends from party friends.
I can't believe she ignored me all this time and walked right past me when i wanted to give her a goodbye hug.
That's another person I've lost from my life, i suppose. And the list keeps going on, I'm afraid. Ab hasn't tried speaking to me since that day. I'm not sure if i like half of the people that are left in this circle, that's too broken to be a circle at this point anyway.

23/3/14

I had far sleep over so she'd make sure i wake up and shower. we went for breakfast and ran into old doggies on the street, it really did cheer me up. but here i am about to go to bed, and all i did when i went home is stay in bed and marathon a show. fuck me.

A few people have asked me about my "plans" for this friday. zero. i even attempted to make plans then didn't know who to invite, which made me anxious, which made me cancel the stupid idea.

I hope I attend tomorrow. Too bad that guy isn't coming in till Wednesday so I'd have someone to boost my ego, but i should keep in mind that the other doctor was pretty nice and hilarious and the nurse was adorable.

stay positive. you're doing great being single. start fucking studying.

Atleast I got my flag back on the wall, maybe I'll hang my clothes tomorrow aswell.

Oh, and taking a trip soon, if this all works out.


I just remembered something when i was supposed to sleep, i don't know if my friend was being drunk or sincere, but he was drunk the other day and said if he wasn't friends with Al, he'd totally date me and how attractive i am, then kissed me on the cheek. I didn't think of anything about it at the time, i was only thinking he was drunk and we totally forgot about it the next day, most likely because he was very drunk. I wonder if it ever was on his mind. but what was also fucked up, is that he said it's obvious and everyone can see that he has a major crush on his bestfriend, even though i disagreed and it doesn't even matter anymore, especially that i discussed it with her, but i guess i'm not the only person that feels that they do overstep the friendship boundary and he even said the exact sentence my therapist said "they're in a relationship without the sex" then he went on about why Al always tries to prove himself about me whenever she's around and whatnot. such a fucked up group, such a fucked up energy. Toxic.

23/3/14

I actually went to class yesterday, i left my phone at the door along with my runaway clock incase that doesn't work, left the house around 6:30 and arrived on time. I had a nice shirt and tight pants, and was feeling a bit nervous but trying to be optimistic. I talked to Bad about it the day before and he did say that this is a decision i need to be making on a daily basis, that yes i will get up. I ended up talking to the reg on my team to ask a few questions, nerdy but kinda cute and i could feel the "hot aura" that i was sending - even though i dont find myself attractive, but i know that i still am considered attractive, cause of his attitude - , he offered to help a lot, and was too kind, he even asked for my number incase i had to present, and sat me in a private room to teach me. it's nice getting attention. i kept making jokes about him falling for me all day to my friends. and to my surprise, he actually texted later on and asked me not to be formal with him, and that it's nice to meet someone like me. I had lunch with Bad and told him all about it, it really opened my eyes to certain thing.

I was settling, why is it that all the guys i dated aren't even that attractive? is it shallow? yes. but do you really think that if i was fat, these guys would've "loved" my personality? bullshit. I always go for personality, maybe Ah was the only one that i thought "oh wow" when I first met them, but Al and Mo were nowhere near me when it comes to looks, and I find a little insulting that they get to think that they can always get with hot girls when they were just lucky, as if there was something special about them. when the truth of the matter is, I always settle. why not wait for a full package? oh, he has a nice personality. why not someone that shares my same values of a healthy lifestyle? and why should i work out when they all have those beer belly's that aren't getting any smaller, and keep flaunting how good i look?

out of respect to myself and my body, i should not settle. there will always be guys that are interested, all i had to do today, is show up, and there was already one. I'm not saying i'm interested, but it's a good reminder, that all I have to do is wait.

I spent the rest of the day with Bad, he forced me to go out with him, we walked around town, went into a sex shop for laughs, then i took him to a desert place. he got so excited that he ordered not 1, not 2, but 4 deserts for us. and we just devoured all of it while laughing and sharing stupid family stories about table manners. we went back to his place and smoked a little with a few other friends, where i zoned out and watched a documentary about cults and made me think about the cult like features of Islam aswell.

Bad told me that Ab loves me and asked about me. I'm not sure how I should go from there.

I also got 2 early birthday gifts, a diamond necklace from mom and a perfume from my distant brother with a funny card that I appreciated.

As for today, I went to the hospital with Far to catch up, we had a good day at the hospital with the ER doctor who was hilarious and taught us how to insert IV's, and the nurse was adorable aswell, i stole some butter from the hospital kitchen and enjoyed my petty theft attempt, and told Far about my thug history and how fun stealing is - this is supposed to be a joke.. -. and when we got home we ended up devouring dinner and deserts like animals, and Far said she can never do this with a husband, so i told her she's found the one.. me. :)

20/3/14

Here's to another week where I only attended for one day. if he could just fuck off my life and stop texting, I'd have enough energy to attend. his texts themselves are a depressant, i keep getting angry, thinking how dare he text me after what he did to me? I left his money at college because I didn't want another reason for him to text me ever again. Whenever he texts it drains out all my energy and I don't have the ability to sleep at night. I just want him to disappear from my life. I'm even cutting out the "mutual" friends, that are more of his friends, rather than mine out of my life, to get some peace. I started with Ab, he hasn't been supportive lately, he probably didn't even talk to Al, like her said he would. And the fact that he wanted me to come to his friends birthday, when he knew Al was there and that he "wouldn't talk to me" wasn't a good indicator that they're looking for my best interest, they were more thinking of their own fun and entertainment. I even texted him directly asking for space, I didn't want to say that I'm cutting him out, incase he proves himself, but I most likely will. I don't want any relation with anyone that is still friends with that human being and hanging out with him and partying while I'm here stuck in my own darkness. Ham has been supportive and is affirming that I shouldn't go out with him or drink, but he's been out with him this week, so I'm not sure if I really will continue that friendship, even though he told me that they're not close friends. I'll see if I can have a talk with him and whether I should cut him out or not. Same goes to his best friend, there's no reason for us to keep talking, it was probably just based on Al's best interest, cause i haven't heard from her since we've officially broken up, so there's point in forming a fake friendship.

If they still find him decent person after everything that he did, and showed no support to what I've been going through in the past few weeks, I want nothing to do with any of them. I'm actually thinking of taking the rest of the semester off while they're thinking of their next party, I've had it. everyone's who's been calling and showing up at my door stays, the rest are not necessary.

18/3/14

Only accomplished the last 3 things from my to do list, but that's better than nothing. Also, I'm on the bus to class which feels like an accomplishment, even took the stairs down to try and get myself in the gym state. I'm gonna try and study during the day, appointment at 5:30pm, then maybe the gym and some cooking. I'm still not sure about the concert, I don't really know who I should go with mainly, and obviously I'm not going with him. I'm not sure if my old roommate would still want to go, she's been MIA for a while, especially after the talk we had with her, and I don't feel like initiating a convo. It feels a bit lame that I don't have anyone to go with, but it'll work out.

I'm still a bit anxious at the moment for being out, I notice that whenever someone bumps into me or so I always jump a little, probably coz I've been getting distracted and spacey easily.

I wonder if I should have a drink today, I'm worried that it might be the reason I got this depressed.

posted from Bloggeroid

17/3/14

the roller coaster of today. the anger and frustration of him contacting me after what he did, and acting all nice about inviting me to hang out with his friends, as if I need them. do i have no dignity that he expected me to show up in front of his friends after what he did to me? and how i "shouldn't be alone", for the past few days, my real friends were the ones who kept showing up at my door, just because i didn't want to go out, doesn't mean i have no friends.

I've been going through a detox list in my head with all the "friends" that I have, what most of these people care about is their fun. they do not give a shit about me. Even Ab, no shits given. if i had the weed and the parties, they would've all showed up. and Al's best friend, will remain his best friend, there's no need for me to chat with her about my feelings, we will not be friends, all that group, those "mutual friends" will always choose him, and are actually his friends and i'm the "gf" or the ex or whatever.

my people are here, and i'm going to get through this, i ended up having a good day with my roommate as she tried to cheer me up, she took me out and then we watched random shit together and talked. she kept asking me when we should start planning my birthday, but honestly, nobody's going to show up if i do so i won't. the people i'm close with are religious, and the people that drink are bullshit, there's probably only one or two. so that's just sad. I didn't wanna say that to her so i said i'll decide later. i know all my religious friends are going to do something, but the rest.. I'm pretty sure it's 3 people max.

Time to get rid of this toxic group that cares about nothing but parties. I need my own people, I've two new girlfriends anyway, so maybe that'll work out.

I'm glad my roommate was around today, she's very warm.

16/3/14

Depression. Can't even leave the house. Don't wanna.

And another thing, I don't really have any real friends. whenever I think of all these cliques and groups around me in college. what's my group? I went through a few people's profiles on Facebook, and it's all these groups of friends who have been together for years, and I got shit.

And when I think of most of the male friends I have, they're pussy's. they can't stand up for me, like what happened yesterday with my roommate, or how my ex treated me. nobody stood up for me. and the rest aren't really there for me.

Everyone is around for fun. nobody gives a fuck.

I can easily write a list right now of why 90% of my "friends" are bullshit. but i'm gonna set a goal for today, to get out of this rump.

1. finish all laundry
2. hang and fold clothes
3. fix bed
4. hoover apartment
5. print as much as i can
6. eat something
7. remove nailpolish
8. shower and curl hair

Smile List

it's been a while, so i'll just mention a few things about today.

1. peanut butter - RuPaul, i think that video made my day. boys should always twerk.
2. Bas's parents - cutest couple, and I got to crack jokes with them. they invited me to a resort in Paris next week, which I might consider. her dad asked me for a kiss, too cute!
3. Dancing infront of my friends over arabic music sober.
4. double orgasm, who needs a man when you got a vibrator.
5. a thousand words - An Eddie murphy movie: not that funny, B class acting, but I loved the message behind it. I think I should take up on that and try and speak less and rely on my actions.

Good night, lovely people.

14/3/14

So.. I attended one day in the past week, and left the house twice. Fuck me. I don't even feel like writing much, I just wanna stay in bed, like i did all week.

12/3/14

This reminded me of him. I wonder what goes through his head that makes him enjoy chasing me and expressing love, then turning to a cold creature. Even I'm confused by this mixture of hurt and longing.The good times were good, but if someone brings you down after momentary happiness, you gotta be strong and cut them off. It's probably just the equivalent of withdrawal symptoms rather that an emotional dilemma. I'm not trying to degrade what we had, I haven't been the one dragging him down in 2014, but he's just spinning out of control.

I still can't believe he discussed my sex life in front of his friends and made those prostitute jokes and me not empowering women. There's no such thing as a pure joke.

I feel like this song describes him and our dynamic. But I don't like the idea of having someone that's annoyed coz i bitch about them not giving me enough attention, I never want to be that person, I know there was a time where that was the case. but this wasn't the case this time (Bright side?)

Part of me will always love your curly fries, and miss your drunk noodles.

Just cut me out of your life, A. I'll still be your Casanova.

Wish List

just so that I don't forget

1. personal smoothie
2. wr.up Freddie jeans
3. Mobile
4. big dangling Earrings
5. statement necklace - michelle visage's WERK! i need it!!!!! I'm gonna ask my friends to get it for me, it's cheaper than BT shit anyway.
6. little pink or red dress
7. pumps

It sounds more of an errands list, but that'll do for now.

9/3/14

Nobody to blame but myself. I am putting myself in these situations even though I know he's not right for me, he keeps pulling me back and playing with my heart. I don't know how i'm supposed to continue this rotation i'm going crazy at the moment. fuck you B for putting yourself in this situation then complaining about a guy degrading you, he's doing it because he knows you're nothing but a little bitch that can easily give in. I need a proper game plan because i can't do this anymore and i cant be here. i'm suffocating, i need to leave this room, i need to leave this city, i need to leave everything. i can't. i'm really trying, but i can't. i want to die or disappear right now. there's no way about it, i need an escape, fuck this bullshit.

7/3/14

It really makes me happy seeing Ab and H getting closer and having them thank me for that. we went over to surprise him and had fun listening to music and dancing.  I wish I was that close with a friend here, but I'm still grateful for the friends I have around me these days. Fx2 are too sweet and funny and that's all that matters.

L texted me when I just got there about Al, I told her that she doesn't need to be sending messages because it's not her job and I know she feels awkward, I think it's a bad idea for us to talk, we are not friend material. Sure it would be perfect if we could bond over the upcoming concert we were supposed to go to and just be pals, but that's just a load of bull. us talking means I go through another emotional cycle.

focus. positives of today, B.

Finished season 3 of drag race, laid in bed with my roommate, had a laugh with the professors, danced in the car. You have positive things going on through your day, dream on this positivity, and nothing else.

Deep breath. Either forget about the hate, or face it. I think it's best if I try and forget it for now. Breathe.

6/3/14

"you are lying down next to me as i type this. THE SOUND OF THE KEYS tapping is probably really annoying you. I’m sorry. Actually I’m not. Regardless of how annoying i am, the fact that I’m next to you should b enough. a7ibich. uffffffffff a7ibich. br cranky bacher i don’t care. I will take care of you.

love,

A"

This was saved on my laptop from when he was drunk. Where did that sweet boy go? Maybe I was too blind with loneliness to see through his selfishness when he came that night, that it wasn't really about supporting me, but comforting himself and feeling loved.

Now he's just a coward that sends people to do his dirty little business, but I guess that's always been his thing, the old child syndrome. Not wanting to deal with anything negative and handling any responsibility but using humour as a camouflage. 

His bestie L asked me today if he could apologise to me, I thought that maybe he tried to contact me but I was ignoring, turns out he blocked me on FB which I shouldn't care about, but that does not seem like someone that wants to speak to me again. I didn't appreciate him asking her to send over his message, if you really cared, you would be able to handle the rejection whatever reaction I was going to give you, rather than send over someone so that your ego doesn't have to take a hit. And all he's going to do is say the magic word - sorry - and then his conscious is clear and he can go about this month partying with all his friends, while I'm stuck in my own head going crazy.

I'm sorry but why should it matter if this is eating him up, why should I cater to his needs? You don't just decide to clear your conscious two weeks later, while I have to deal with all these appointments, daily dispensing of treatment and constant monitoring by school and friends, yet I still feel hollow.

I know that I'm actually hurting from losing someone that I thought of so dearly, but talking will just bring me tears and add to the stress, he'll be nice for a week, make me live a fantasy. and then fuck me over. I just have to deal with one more day, then I'm never running into him for 5 weeks, which should be enough for him to forget my existence and move on to whatever he finds next, and enough time for me to be strong on me own. then it's just another two weeks of another rotation then I probably would never run into him again. As I type this, my heart clenches, part of me doesn't want this to happen, but it has to. This person does not want my best interest, for all I know, he secretly might want to destroy whatever shred of confidence I have. All he cared about is happiness, everyone else's happiness, and then maybe,, maybe mine.

stress. stress. exhaustion. stress.

Even happiness seems like a task at this point. Another day of being bubbly and social, I don't know if he was glancing at me, but I made sure there was no eye contact. I still can't handle eye contact. I was confident, I was fun, sang a few songs with my friends in the car - arabic to be more specific, weird I know - , then I'm in bed and... it feels like the day never existed and I'm just miserable.

Maybe this would pull me through.

If only Love was solid.
If only men weren't scum.

22:55 5/3/14

I need to take off your photos, I need to erase your memories. I don't know why I still can't do it, he's right there on my wall. I.. love him? Fuck this shit. I hate men, I don't care if it's considered splitting or not, but I'm so tired of feeling drained after a failed relationship, I've been in bed all day just contemplating death, going to class and being social and bubbly is draining the life out of me, I just want to disappear in this bed. I thought that maybe taking down his photos will hurry up the process, but I still didn't do it, a bit more time till I'm ready to erase him from my life. I am so mad at myself for feeling sad, I should only hate him and feel angry to make it easier, rather than feel empty and worthless over what happened. why couldn't it work it? I can't tell if i'm in a grieving process or obsessing about that night? It's not like it wasn't a big deal. It was. I keep remembering it when I go to bed, maybe it's Stockholm syndrome because I keep repeating what happened without being able to remember the good stuff about us, that I don't even know if what happened was a good memory or a bad memory. obviously from an objective perspective it was something horrible, but I'm so distorted at the moment that I don't know what I'm thinking of anymore. i haven't cum in about.. 3 weeks, at least? and the only time I tried I remembered him grabbing my head. maybe that's why I'm trying to replace that memory with Mo. I just need to take out my brain and scrub it down till I have no memory left. Reality is shit, I need my own fantasy.

--------------------------------------

I should probably try and stop listening to music. I've been listening to Miguel - Simple things. It aches my heart whenever it's played. I really just wanted simplicity and the comfort of a companion. I was never specific about looks, social status, wealth. I just wanted to laugh and be able to stare into someone's eyes. I may be thinking in a shallow way these days to try and get my mind off of it, and I know I've been writing all day, all night. if not here, any notebook I can get my hands on. Even when I'm distracting myself by being social, I went to two of my friend's places and all I can think of is that there's so many things I want to say but I don't want to tell them, so I just run to my laptop and start spamming myself. I'm sure I'll be "fine" 10 years from now, probably fucked up on a whole new level, I might turn out psychotic with the escalation of my life events, or I'm just going to end up a heartless Bitch who "has no time to date". And they'll all just be fine, with their trophy wives. Who really wants a personality at the end of the day? isn't that what gets me in trouble anyway? I mean, what a joke that the feminist guy I dated, ended up trying to force me into having oral sex with him, some fucking joke my life is. I need a joint for this shit.

5/3/14

It's mind boggling how after what Al did, I'm starting to remember the positive things that Mo has done to me, I know it's probably because I want to keep myself in the illusion of being wanted, because realistically speaking, they were both a piece of shit, and a few good moments here and there won't erase their wrongs. Just like with Al, was he always horrible? No. But what good does that make if he kicked me at my lowest point. I need to stop thinking about that day and get back to my point, which is reminiscing about Mo. I just kept remembering that day when I got in a car accident and he forced me to meet him and gave me the biggest hug, he was so freaked out even though it was minor, but the fact that I was crying made him worry sick, I remember my friend telling me how he kept chain smoking when he heard about it and was waiting anxiously. He sat me down and ordered nothing but deserts and didn't let me lift a finger, the large macaroons and the cheesecakes, and then ever since that he drove me everywhere. It was very adorable and romantic. never letting me open the door for myself and reaching out his hands so I could step out of the car like a princess. and then when he finally got back and I met him at the airport, we went straight to his place and he kicked everyone out and I spent time with his god while he changed then just carried me to his room and got me to cum for the first time. I had only recently learned how to cum that break, but I never came with anyone before, the look on his face when that happened was amazing, he didn't even let me touch him, he just kept going and going and going.
or that time in the shower where we were both high and I was so out of it that i started humming the mexican chicken dance or something like that while blowing him, when I got up to kiss him he just looked at me with his stoned eyes and asked "were you... humming what I think you were humming?" then I realized how spaced out I was and couldn't stop laughing. Al thought it was annoying when I hummed, although he said he missed it when we broke up. but I think it's hilarious how it all started, obviously I'm not going to tell him that happened out of respect, even if he doesn't deserve it.
each person has their good side and their bad side, even that prick Mo I remember the good side of him at times, but I see his good side as a separate person from the bad side, and when I run into him now I only see the person he is today.
it's like when I reminisce I don't see it as him, it's like I was with a distant character from a movie that does not exist anymore.
Same thing with Al, for now I don't have the ability to remember anything good about him, but I know in time I'll remember the good stuff as if they were another person, and not the selfish person he is today.
I almost lost it yesterday with him being in the same class as me, I was fine all day, but at the end of the day I started hyperventilation, sweating and feeling lightheaded. this gush of emotions just ran through me, like a flashback of everything that happened that last week, and I just had to leave the class. it's like PTSD, except that the thing I need to avoid, the trigger to my emotions, is him. I see his face and I remember the state I was in before I took the pills, what I was thinking of, how it felt to take them all in, the relief of awaiting death, the aftermath in the hospital and the side effects, how dirty I was and disgusting I smelt for the next day although I showered everyday, but I just kept sweating like crazy and the smell was strong from the drugs. I looked disgusting, my twitch was disgusting. so can he blame me for looking at him and feeling disgust? of course he'd blame me, it's always my fault. he doesn't have the nerve to tell me he's sorry but he has the ability to make it all about him. poor little Al that had a dramatic gf.

I hate love. I hate him. He cost me a best friend that I shouldn't have made in the first place. I don't have anyone that I really talk to about this openly, I haven't told my bestie Shay about this coz I don't want her to worry. my friends here don't know the full story coz they won't understand. and a therapist is paid to listen. This is all your fault. No, it's not my fault for being weak. It's your fault for being selfish. Ab thinks he was a dick but had to act fine, his best friend came to my door to tell me she's keeping him away from me and she won't make him come near me again. yet he's still going to find a way to complain and act like this is all my fault.

I hate this.

4/3/14

That sickening face, smiling and making conversations as if he never did anything, as if he never violated me. And I don't know if he was trying to look my way or if our eyes met by coincidence but all I could feel is utter disgust, I couldn't even give a fake smile, I wish I could punch him till I break those teeth so he wouldn't have to smile again, he doesn't deserve to smile after what he did. How someone do such a thing and live with themselves without regrets and not trying to make things right? What is this sick Fuck made of? I can't wait till the day I could spit on his grave. 10 years from now he'll be married to someone that knows nothing about what this bastard did, and like he did with his other ex's, he'll try and make it seem as if I was at fault in the relationship, or that I overreacted about him trying to shove his Dick down my throat by force. 7othala.

posted from Bloggeroid

Simple things

Good salad - Nandos
ice cream - parline and caramel
Cutie friend - Ab and Bad
funny movie - the green hornet
Hair curled - by Yass
Nails painted - hot pink
sexy outfit - white low cut top, tied at the end, blazer, tight purple pants, grey pumps
Big shades - round Beige rims

I'm not sure if these are simple things to other people, but they did make me smile. Even if it was a faint smile, even if I'm barely moving and still recovering, it's still something. My neighbour saw me going out to meet Ab for lunch and said I looked sexy but I need to give attitude if I look like this, it was funny and very uplifting. I don't usually wear low cut tops in daytime, it was pretty slutty for a lunch date, and I loved it. I bought this shirt for Al but now I'm wearing it for me, with my boobs showing slightly and super tight pants. I need to get back into feeling myself, I already lost about 4kg which I'm not sure how that's even possible. I'm actually 35.8kg now, my body still looks nice, but I don't think it's getting healthy and I don't want to lose my muscle weight. Hopefully with school tomorrow I'd have enough routine to go to the gym with Hus. I had to go to college today to meet with the counselor and my ex's best friend was there, I kinda wished he saw me too, I dunno, get some attention maybe. it's pretty sad that I wish Al could hear this song and I despise how ok he is and how i'm not ok. I think I'm thinking of and comparing my ex's as a withdrawal symptom of a relationship.

After you get used to having lots of attention (even though it was conditional), you need to find a balance in not having that amount of attention from one person.

I should've taken a photo today to remember that I can look nice and still be sad.

New resolution: take more photos with your loved ones, they're the only ones that truly care. remember the good times.

weakness

I despise feeling this way. This primal need of love. I have my friends around me, but it's hard never being one of those people that never felt utter love towards their family and having to find it in other people. Your family's love is a gift, I don't know why I can't feel it. I know they love me, but I can't feel it if I can't feel myself, that's why I fell for the subhumans in my past. It's a little hard for me to compare Mo and Al now that they kinda did the same thing. Always felt bad about not confronting Mo, maybe it was better than having Al not give a fuck about what he did and just giving me a sorry and we'll talk later, then there was no later. I can't believe he's making Mo look better.

Love is an illusion, Home is an illusion. I can't think of one person that loved me "unconditionally" without a time limit. Even the friends I had in the past, walked away over minuscule differences.

So what is the Answer, god, world, higher power or whatever is out there? My friend asked me to speak to god and I told her I stopped believing at the age 14, so I need me an answer. I need warmth, I need to be able to pick up the phone right now and sob, instead of crying here in front of a screen in secret.

This damn music keeps reviving feelings that stirring inside, it crushes me knowing I felt happy listening to these same songs and now I'm out here with nothing to hold onto to. I'm moving into my friend's place to feel a little safe, I'm not sure what could happen if I stay alone another night.

Why did he have to do this? Why couldn't we just be happy? Why didn't he just fix this? Why didn't he just save me? Obviously his answer to that would be: "you're an adult and you made an adult decision" or "Why are you afraid of me leaving you" "Do you need a man to be happy?"

And it's not that at all, it just seems whenever I try to make a male friend they just want to date me, I end up dating them thinking they're great friends, so why not lovers? Well, for starters lovers walk away. You should never make a best friend from a partner, cause when they're gone, when they violate you, not only are you left alone, but you're bruised and broken.

Who would've imagined that my best friend is going to force himself on me and then not own up to it.

Weak.

2/3/14

it's those stupid entertainers like Beyonce that ruin girls image and thinking, "Take all of me, i just wanna be the girl you like" why do you need to change and sell yourself for a man who's just going to enjoy your body? what kind of world do we live in where this is our priority?

Attention. plain and simple. not respect, not love, just animalistic attention.

all the problems going on due to poverty, and they're spending millions on music videos and movies to teach girls how to be submissive. liberation my ass. feminism my ass.

28/2/14

I need to set my priorities straight for now on. I actually put my own safety and dignity aside for this boy. This selfish little boy who showed zero respect when things got bad, who's only there when I'm good and perky or mildly upset, but when it comes to anything with responsibility he just dismissed me. I shouldve reported him when the psychiatrist encouraged me to do it. But I thought of his mother and I didn't wanna stoop as low as he did. I finally started responding to people. His bestfriend kept texting me for a while with long texts of motivation so I decided to finally respond, I didn't want to talk about the physical side out of respect but I told her she could ask. Today I wake up to the doorbell and there she was with ice cream. It was a very sweet gesture and she told me I need to cut him out of my life. My problem is that I've been weak, and feel the need to have him around coz he's the only or one of the few people that I can share whatever problems I have. But what is this benefit based relationship done but break Me and now take a part of me that I can't have back anymore. It wasn't bad enough that he tried to force himself on me, at some point he said "is this what Mo did to you?" I've heard of self destructive before, but that sounds like deviant manipulation and a way to purposely break my spirits. We all get drunk and do stupid stuff, but to use someone's biggest weakness against them is inhumane. I need to surround myself with my support circle and love myself better. Everyone keeps offering me ice cream which is cute. I made her and Ab promise me he won't contact me again, and I blocked his number on WhatsApp and phonecalls. So It's done. He can't contact me and It's time to move on. Sure it hurts coz there's the good times, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna find someone better, when I feel good I'll start working out again and feeling right, I'll be studying for steps. I'm gonna be looking hotter and being smarter and when the time comes, my future partner is gonna be matching me and he's gonna see it and understand what he lost. you're gonna regret this, because you know you discarded a gem and abused me. I hope he never finds peace with what he did, and I will not give him a chance to ever apologize to me, coz his words never meant anything, almost 2 years with all the bullshit talk of chasing me, I'm done with that. Someday he's gonna meet someone else and totally forget about me, and obviously talk about how horrible I am and how he was so nice yet I was so dramatic about a "drunken night" and sure they'll fall inlove and have kids, but when that daughter grows up and goes through these situations, maybe then he'll understand what's it like when you tear a peace from another human and don't ever bother showing up at their door for an apology because you wanted to hang out with your friend. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You inconsiderate sex crazed objectifying bastard with all your bullshit feminism that was only to get my pants you fucking peace of shit. I am so torn by how he acts so nice when I'm ok then gives me a "hope you're ok" after all this. I should've just died that night. Just thinking about it enrages me. Now I'm mad that I'm alive when I remembered that night. I need to focus on what his friend said. I need to focus. I need to let my friends in. Im not gonna that I hope you die, because I'm not like you, but I hope you never find happiness after using my body, you sick "person".

posted from Bloggeroid

27/2/14

I wake up and all I can think of is "suck me dick", that scene keeps replaying in my head, how can someone be so consumed with sex even while they were hurting me? he always said that i'm more than just sex, but i never thought that someone i trusted and cherish could degrade me to that extent.
obviously this won't change anything for him, he'll still have his friends, he'll still be loved and he won't overthink it because he wasn't the one being violated. And i'm obviously going to lose my friends because they're also his friends and they'd rather go out with him, just like what happened last time we broke up, I'm alone again. isn't that just perfect?
I was so enraged and said the most psychotic things to him about stabbing him and smashing his face and I still don't think that was 1% of how I was hurt.
"Suck my dick"
what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i place my happiness in a boy's hands? im so disgusted with myself, im so fucking needy and pathetic, i've never hated myself so much. I wish my roommate never found me, and now i dont have anything to do it, if i could just stab myself and be sure i'd be dead.

25/2/14

iSo now you call me? I feel like im a fucking zombie. I can barely move, massive headache, sore throat which was probably cos my hand was shoved down my throat and now it's bruised, the twitching is getting a bit better and I got something for my cheeks and i have to go every single day to the pharmacy so i could be "safe"
there's no safety in someone's mind. I can't stop feeling bad, the damn  phone keeps ringing but I don't wanna talk to anyone, and i don't answer any texts. Where was all these people - with Alleading team abandonment - when I needed strength? and what do they want me to say? I don't want anyone's attention and pitty.
fuck that.

24/2/14

The flesh chewed up in my mouth is getting worse, I'll go see the doctor today so he can speak to college.
This is a self reminder of rock bottom. Don't let this happen again. After all this time, Ab is the one that really cared, and my roommate's ofc. I don't wanna go around broadcasting this to my friends I'm not trying to seek attention, I really didn't Care and I don't even wanna talk about it, but I can't let this Fuck up my school year so I have to talk to the doctor coz that was the hospital's condition for letting me go.
Fucking rock bottom. I'm not proud of it and I'll just ignore anyone that asks why I'm not around.

posted from Bloggeroid

24/2/14

I had a few drinks last night and took all my pills.

the whole was a fucking escalation, me breaking down on my parents, confronting Al about him trying to force me to suck his dick and I didn't get zero reaction, until now he didn't even bother calling.
my roommate called the ambulance and forced me to throw up and so did my neighbor, Ab was texting me that night and called my roommate to ask about me and he actually came over and stayed with me till i got discharged, they wanted me as an inpatient for the psych ward but I said no. I slept at Ab's place and he was by my side all night. The problem isn't that my friends caught me, it's the aftermath that came along with it, if i were dead i wouldnt be feeling this way. involuntary tics and twitches, my jaw keep clasping for no reason and ended up with my cheeks being chewed up coz i cant stop myself, dry mouth and thirst to the extent where I can't even swallow my own saliva coz there is not, the tremor, the restlessness. all these side effects from whatever that was left in my stomach, and they're still happening. I can't do this shit anymore.

My parents think i'm just overreacting, and my dad probably thinks it's a phase. As for Al, fucking abandonment. pure and simple. not even a text. the funny this is that when i called and i got angry i told him if i die  i want it to be on your conscious and he told me it's a stupid idea. I was gonna do it anyway, but im glad i said that. what the fuck is wrong with him?


I can't deal with this week, I can't deal with his nonchalant behaviour, i can't deal with his face.

fuck it, i'm not gonna attend this week.

23/2/14

I've been in bed for hours, i feel absolutely shit. I had to deal with a night a full day of him actively hurting me, I know he's done it in the past, but from what I remember all i used to say is curse words.
I'm all drained out, and he made me feel so guilty last night, he didn't return my calls and messages, and now i'm supposed to just come over for their dinner? I have zero energy, zero tolerance about what happened, and it's not cute when he acts like he doesn't know why I'm upset. He apologised yesterday when he was fully drunk. but he needs to take back everything he said or I can't be with him anymore. I know that I need to just put this behind me and close off this drunk night, and I really do. but I can't tell if he was trying to hurt me or if it was all true.
I am disgusted by how nonchalant he is and if he expects me to be all loving and horny. even after everything that happened, he kept persisting on cumming, I cave in  and had a nice moment with him because he said it'll help him sleep, and then what? he just waltz out as soon as his friends call and invite him for food. I may not be just a body for him on other days, but yesterday, I was a fucking body.
To top it all off, my mother ignored my texts and today dad called from her phone and she didn't talk to me. what a fucking shitfest today is.
Why can't I just fucking die? I don't mean it in the sense that oh im in a depressive episode let me take today's pill and i'll be all fine and dandy. but seriously, why don't I just take all those pills infront of me and die? what is stopping me? He told me that the only thing that stops him is his bestfriend.
now that I think of it, nobody is giving me hope right now, not even him. I am fighting the urge to take those pills right now. I searched how to overdose on it but nothing is coming up, and those pharmacists probably gave me this 1.5 strip coz you can't overdose from it. my roommate uses the same one so maybe if i use hers with mine, i'll be fine. the thing is actually stopping me right now is that I dont want a failed attempt, I want it done once and I'm dead, I don't want it to be pumped out and then I have to be in a psych ward like a crazy person. if it's going to happen, I need it to be perfect.
I hate him. I hate my mother. All they're doing is making me feel bad about myself today. fuck what people say about having loved ones, it only makes life harder, all they do is seek comfort from you like a leech but offer none in return. momentary warmth for sucking out your soul. I feel so hollow and cold. I need to leave this place, I need to forget these people. I am being being suffocated.
Edit:

another thing that's pissing me off, small talk. what do you mean "how are you?" why can't people get to the fucking point, nobody cares how are you, this girl that I see from time to time asked me that on WhatsApp. nobody gives a shit, so shut up. I fucking hate social media and WhatsApp.
all this fucking small talk. why can't people appreciate silence. go to fucking sleep.

Just hold on, we're going home.

Laying on the couch with my friends, dark room, Drake in the background.

Eyes shut and head tilting, letting the music sink in and feel lost in it, I don't know if my medications are making me feel this way or if I'm just believing in myself to enjoy the little things in life, like a good song.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but almost every time Al talked to me during our break-up, I would know instantly that he'd do it. I'd be staring at his number and psychotically thinking "Talk to me!" and then his status says that he's typing something.

Today I became a little psychotic as well when he started texting me a few moments ago, but this time it''s because I was so worried, He got so depressed in the past 24 hours, I just need to know he's ok. I tried to get his friends to pay him a visit but apparently he didn't answer his phone or something. I don't know if I'm writing more because I think I'm losing him, or if this is the 1st weekend in a while where there's nothing I need to study, or if it's because I haven't been alone for a while.

My neck and my lower back have been killing me, my abs and breasts are very tender. I have to admit that last night when he kept trying to shove his dick in my mouth, I got a little scared, Obviously I kept saying no - which is improvement - and I just thought that I need to trust him not to cross the line with me and that he's just drunk and trying to hurt me on purpose.

I don't know if I should bring this up again, I don't know if I should bring up that night ever. I've decided to let go since it's only a drunken night, but I can't help and wonder if what he said was true. Does he really enjoy being miserable? is he really seeking for an argument? and most importantly, is that what I've been doing as well for the past 2 years, if not in my relationships?

I need to cherish the good moments, I need more positive posts about great days, it's been a while.

22/2/14

Past 3 weeks were crazy. I spent two weeks with Al and one week on peripheral with my partner so I barely had any moment in bed alone so I can write properly. plus I actually had to study.

To be honest, I haven't been studying that well this semester, I did waste a lot of time at Al's instead of focusing on my lecture note, we've been doing great except for minor set backs. I'll start with my smile list to cheer me up then I'll get to it.

Smile list:

1. Feeling great about my exam, I was very confident and was laughing with my examiners.
2. Shimmy-ing at Far in between stations in the exam, and on our way out.
3. Getting drunk off 2 tequila shots and partying at home.
4. Dancing at the club.
5. The lookAl had on his face when I told him I loved him before our exam start.


I love him.

I'm very worried about him, he got too drunk yesterday and cried so much, I think a part of me died when I saw him crying, I can't handle him crying, I can't believe he was crying, I'd rather he fucks things up with me and be happy, than ever crying again.

I don't remember ever seeing him this drunk or this depressed about anything in my life. I'm trying to stop myself from constantly checking up on him but I'm so damn worried.

I'll start writing daily because there's so much shit that's been happening that I don't know where to start.

Also: my mother stopped talking to me.. great.

Rules

1. No kissing.
2. Zero effort by me.
3. Only meeting at my place.
4. No rejection if I ask for something.
5. I'm able to request one sided affection.
6. No relationship talk.
7. only one issue per week, Al can stop me if I talk about another issue.
8. Only move on to another issue if the previous one is solved.
9. No cigarette breaks after sex.
10. Both have the right to have a break between fights.
11. Hang out with friends rather than isolate everyone for alone time.
12. Limited times where Al can masturbate to me.
13. No cigarette breaks during a fight.
14. No checking phone during fight.
15. No fighting on a tight schedule.
16. responding to each text, not the last sentence.
17. don't say it's fine when it's not.
18. don't raise voice.

30/1/14

New decision:

big part of me feels that I shouldn't be with him, it's too soon. which is definitely true and I need to assert with him, not because he's horrible, not because he's not sweet, but I'm not ok.

Let's just talk.

No meet ups, no sleep overs, let's just slow down. If I'm falling apart I could ask him to help, but until then, I need to be happy with who I am, this past week has been very stressful and tearful.

I need a break.

29/1/14

I deleted your messages, and I deleted your number, and by tomorrow I'll either e-mail you this or just forget about it.

I am sick of all your bullshit, when I wasn't available, you kept talking to me and spent all these days with me, and as soon as i'm "yours" that all disappears.

fuck you for telling me that i'm irrational, fuck you for telling me that I should tell you what I want you to do.

if it really mattered to you, if i really was your future, if I ever was a priority, you would make sure that you're available, that you check up on me, that you call. it's not that I need it, but don't fucking offer something if it's not going to happen.

I'm so angry by the mind fuck that is today, I want to be with you, this isn't going to work out, I want to work this out, I've tried.

make up your fucking mind.
make up your fucking mind.
make up your god damn fucking mind.

I should've just been firm and ended up, I don't feel that you deserve to be with me, because you're a selfish person that thinks of their own happiness, if you really were happy for me progress then you would've stayed away so I can continue growing, if you weren't up for taking care of me this week, you should've - honestly I don't really know what to say, I don't really know what I want anymore.

all i know is that I was handling everything before he came back into the picture and distorted every fucking plan I had.

I resent what happened between us, I'm not ready to forgive - that I know.
I resent how he schedules my problems as if all I needed was a timeline.
I resent how he expects me to be perfect when I am clearly not ok to be acting on my best behaviour.
I resent how of all people, I should be able to talk to him about what I think is a prevailing depression, but he just comes in and "diagnoses" me as if I was in denial and he can now magically fix it.

fuck you.

there was no need for you to come in when you knew you wouldn't compromise your attendance to be late for an hour for my stability.

and now you can take the easy way out by saying you've tried and I've asked you to leave so you have to respect my adult opinion.

If you know me, then you'd prove me wrong by attempting to speak to me even if I do reject you. If you don't, then I'm definitely blocking him from everything of my life and moving on.

I fucking hate this shit.

I've been constantly having this image of being stabbed in the back with my bones breaking, right now I just want to fucking stab him repeatedly so he'd feel a shred of what I've been feeling.

fuck you, for trying to show me how so much better you are than me with handling your emotions vs. my irrationality.

Fuck you.

28/1/14

I obviously didn't talk about what happened between Al and I last weekend, I didn't have the time, in fact I didn't have the energy. so i'll keep it short since i need to sleep.

we met up, we talked, he wanted to get back together, I said no, he left, then came back because it was raining and slept on the couch - most likely an excuse - ended up sleeping on my bed, ended up hooking up, ended up with me breaking it off because it was too soon, ended up with Al being drunk and calling me to come over and talk, ended up in my bed and me trying to sleep while he talks, ended up having anal sex the next day and spending the whole day in bed, ended up having bath tub sex the next day before he left. ended up feeling anxious about everything moving fast and how we're technically dating.

I don't want to be in a relationship.

I tried to talk to him last night and today and it didn't work out because of our schedule, I am so anxious over this weekend, this shouldn't have happened, I shouldn't be dating him, I have too many things going around to be in a paper thin relationship that can and will crumble at any second due to our history, even if he says he loves me and wants to marry me, I can't afford to believe him, I don't have the energy, I don't have the strength, I don't have the mental stability.

I kept stressing over when he'd talk to me when he meant home, if he's going to change now that he's had his way with me.

I am fucking stressed.
I am so fucking stressed.

I need to break it off, I can't be with anyone I resent for what they've done to me, especially if i don't feel equal to them since my self esteem is slowly slipping away, everything about my individuality is slowly slipping away.

I think I am slowly entering a depression with the rotation I'm on with all the added stress from my roommate and my family situation, and now Al.

I hate this rotation, I hate the working hours, I hate the disrespectful tutors, I hate how they make you feel stupid if you get the wrong answer, I don't skip class but I keep skipping atleast a day every week now, I dread waking up in the morning, I dread attending, and when I don't attend - like today - I just stay in bed and hope I seize to exist. I find myself being caught up with the idea of failing and giving up, even though I finished the material.

And all he has to offer, is be cute and cuddly whenever I complain, I don't want to hear another "Aww" and "don't be" that's not real support, I want something raw and real. not the fake romance that will eventually fade away. I'll just copy the text I sent last night since I really need to sleep:

"The last thing I want is to bottle up my feelings then explode, I feel that by worrying about whether you'd talk to me or not is the first sign of me compromising my individuality and going back to my old ways, I feel that by getting back together I've let you off the hook easily for hurting me and that I dont have pride since I still am hurt by what you Did and you still didn't make it up for me, I feel that I'm going into another circle when I already have trust issues but you're already in, I feel that everyone will think I have no self respect when they know that we got back together, I feel like It's only at the beginning that you make me feel important then when you're comfortable enough with having you'll start treating me the same you used to, I feel that I want more actions to prove yourself and I rushed into this out of loneliness. I want to feel like a princess, not be told I am one in the first cham yom if this were to ever work out, I want the best to offer and if you can't then we should cool off and stay friends, I already feel that my personal growth is put on pause with the fluctuation of emotions that came along with having you back in my life, I'm already up late typing this instead of worrying about school and sleeping early, I feel that I'm not equal to you and I need to be more self confident and accomplished before I am comfortable being with someone and not feeling Any resentment. I don't want to say that I love you and miss you unless I'm 100% convinced that you deserve my devotion because the idea of it is already stressing me, I'm not sure how it turned from a one sided thing to me doubting myself"

Even if he says he's going to be there for me, it's unrealistic with our busy schedules to be there with one another, which is fine if we were friends, but don't expect me to be ok with a partner not being emotionally available at my disposal as demanding as this may sound, if you want me back, I don't want to fucking put energy into being understanding.

You will let me down, I just know it. I resent that I let things progress so easily.

and the worst part is, I don't seem to be able to cry if he's not around, I've been wanting to cry all day but I can't seem to.

Also, I need to stop saying that he shouldn't worry about it, no it's ok that you fall asleep when I have something important to say, it's not ok that you want me to come over instead of the other way around when you're the one that fucked up.

Respect

I was not expecting yesterday.

I ran into Al's friend and I felt the tension rising, it made me uncomfortable and I decided to do something about it, not for him, but for me. I can't say it didn't bother me that such person is actively ignoring me in a small group, so I approach her, I said hi and asked what's wrong and why she's acting that was. She was defensive and aggressive at first, she did not seem interested in the idea of speaking I me and how she shouldn't have to be "my friend" which I was offended by because that was not what I was looking for and it made me seem pathetic. That I was obsessed with her liking me and Al told her about all our fights in details, that I was gossiping about Al to her roommate and broke their friendship, and so on. I corrected her about specific situations, like her roommate who already did not like him at the time, that It's not gossip to vent to a friend, that I do feel rejection by how she acts around and that it hurts.

She gave me her points and I explained me, the tension went down and it was a real discussion, I ended up in tears when speaking about my ex and how it ended, I'm not proud of that. She admitted when she was wrong, apologized for how she made me feel, gave me praise for actually turning Al down when he wanted to see me and put myself first even though she admitted being angry over me taking a shot at her with my messages. She also acknowledged that it took strength for me to stand up to her, and that she felt guilty knowing that I'm under a lot of stress And she added do it and expressed concern over me hurting myself because of this - although id never do that for a boy - which meant a lot to me. We ended it on good terms and even had lunch with our friends.

It was interesting when she explained her points of view, how she felt about certain things and I did not feel offended my it.

I was surprised Al told her everything about us, especially that he had told me that he never talks to anyone about us. I was disappointed to trust that aspect of him for breaking my privacy.

I went home, and I was happy. I had my closure, even if Al never contacted me again, I was content, because I did it for me.

And then my phone rang, and she asked to meet for coffee. I cannot describe how much I respected her for doing that, we met and talked for about an hour and a half, and she even said she wants to help me with my family situation and guide me as she's been through the same, and that she might even gain a friend out of this.

I still can't believe that was the outcome. My idea of confrontation does not really include this sort of compassion, as people are usually too proud to listen and would try to win the argument.

I still think the crying triggered something in me and I still haven't recovered, I couldn't sleep, I'm a mess and I can't feel the reality surrounding me.

posted from Bloggeroid

I hate you

Next Saturday would've marked 3 weeks of not crying, all you had to do is tell me how much you care and how you're there to catch me when I fall with everything that's been going on. I didn't tell you anything about my family and my mother, I really don't think you're genuine, and this isn't my pride talking. But the tears started falling when I read that, They were 8 precious tears.

I hate you.
I hate how you make me feel.
I don't care about you, why did that make me cry?
I hate you.
I wish you didn't talk to me.
I want to strangle every single emotion I have for you.
I don't want to be miserable to enjoy your semi-affection, and then compete for it.
I hate how it meant a lot to me.
If you care that much about me, why do you hurt me over and over again?
I hate you.
Even writing this makes me teary, but not enough to cry.
I hate how vulnerable you make me feel.
Why do I care? His affection should mean nothing to me.
Maybe I'm just PMS-ing.
Maybe I'm just lonely.
Maybe it's because I think he's talking to me out of boredom.
Maybe he's just lonely.
I don't want to be an excuse out of loneliness.
I'm a person with real feelings.
Not here for entertainment.
Not entertainment.
Not entertainment.
Not Hidden.
Not hated by someone who doesn't know me.
Not entertainment.
I hate you so much.
stop being nice to me, it always fades away when your real friends are around.
I'm not a commodity.
I'm not a prize to gain then toss.
endless cycles of bullshit.
fucking bullshit.

21/1/13

I haven't had enough time to write up what's been on my mind lately, right now it feels like the information got mushed up.

He talked to me a few days ago, started two conversations, and all I was thinking: "if you miss me, just say it"

They were two normal conversations, about random things that started with a purpose that felt fabricated, but that's alright. what happened today was baffling, he texts me asking me to teach him a lecture, and I told him that I don't think we should hang out, and he has his friends to help him out. it turned into a mini argument, and going back and forth. Honestly, I can live without his friendship, and I don't need a fake friendship, I'll never be as important to him as his friends are, and I would rather die than deal with his friends bitchiness more than I have to in uni.

She avoids eye contact, says hi to people around me yet ignores me and sits alone rather than join us, only because I'm around. Get a grip, him and I broke up, why are you involved?

He used his usual tactic of exaggerating my points to make his more valid, typical. I didn't feel like arguing some more so I just let it go and acted cool. He admitted missing me when I told him the same, but that's not enough for me.

First of all, I don't believe that he is pursuing a friendship, he's probably too proud to say he misses me in a girlfriend type of way, who are we kidding? it's been two weeks and a half, feelings don't disappear.

Second, I shouldn't compromise, even in a friendship. if you're putting me in a situation where I am constantly feeling uncomfortable, then why should I tolerate it? or "get over it"

Third, I haven't cried ever since I left, do I really want to start again?

Fourth, he keeps saying that we shouldn't hate each other and he doesn't, why would he? It's not like he's the one that was hurting in the relationship, I was. even though I don't hate him, but I have reasons to whatever he's making me feel.

"Being nice" Being nice is running into each other and having a little conversation, we don't need to be hanging out alone studying, because I'm pretty sure he'd want to hide it from his friends and it'll turn to another hook up, and I'll end up right where I was last year. No, Thank you.

I'm not going to see him if he mentions it again, I'll be delightful if we cross paths, but actually setting up time to meet, does not sound like a good idea.

If he wants his friends to control his relationships, then he needs to stick to his decision. Just talking to him today was a major distraction, I could've finished the last four lectures and started my boards, but I had to get worked up over this. And, Yes. I did work me up, because I've been doing well, school wise, friends, working on the family thing of course, but I'm getting somewhere. Just yesterday Faj and I spent the whole night listening to a band we like, talking about changing the world, hating on the hypocrisy of our country, I haven't done that this whole year in college, because I'm spending all my time with him. It felt like her and I were roommates again like we were in first year. And I talked to Has about what happened today and he was more than supportive without attacking Al, which I appreciated, he actually just kept asking me: "what do you want? do you miss him? its ok if you do, feelings are part of being human" instead of giving the fuck you speech.

Till this moment, there's still back and forth texting, I appreciate the initiative that he's trying, but I'm not ready to be my bubbly self, I honestly don't feel that he deserves it. Especially if his friends are really enough for him.


There's a lot of negative energy in this post, so I should write down a smile list:

1. Hot guy in college glancing at me a lot, his lips are very pink.
2. Hot guy mentioning using a finger to perforate a hymen, I almost died of laughter.
3. Listening to music with my friends.
4. Dancing to a song I'm obsessed with.
5. Cherry peppers with cream cheese I found at the supermarket.
6. Nice consultant at the clinic.
7. Answering right at the tutorial and impressing the tutor, although he was intimidating and I answered wrong at first.
8. Al admitting he misses me.
9. Reading my novel at the bus, i'll finish the book today. Actually right now.

Hmmm

Couldn't help but wonder why he talked to me, the mirror isn't exactly something I need in my life, and he started a convo. Twice, I wasn't overwhelmed with excitement. But, it was a nice: "oh, he's talking to me". It's hard to say if he was being polite or if he actually missed me and wanted a conversation, or that his friends are busy so let's talk to the backup. It wasn't a very long conversation but he did joke around and ask me about my feminist book and what I thought of it. That was cute, I guess. I downloaded the app on my phone since I didn't write my thoughts last night, but right now I'm waiting to start working but I thought I'd try out the app and see if it actually works. I'm guessing... Yes? We'll see when I'm home.

posted from Bloggeroid

19/01/13

I've  been up for atleast 3 hours, still don't have much motivation to get out of bed. I have about 100pages left of my book, coz that's what I've been doing for the past few hours. I should be studying, I should be working out. I know once Monday starts and I attend I'll be right on track, I don't really do well with nothing on my plate but my own sense of responsibility these days. where I've given myself a break for no reason expecting to accomplish things on my own turf.

I have no excuse to waste the whole day. I'll get up and shower after this entry.

I'm basically just wasting time writing this so that I won't start my day. It's kind of amusing how every little thought can be written here so I don't feel as crazy as when I have my conversations in my head.

I still didn't talk to my mother, I'll probably call to make use of my wasted time.

You crossed my mind a few times, but so did many other things that you think of when you're procrastinating.

I debated whether I loved you or not, because I'm not in as much pain as I remember with other ex's. but maybe it's coz I'm growing up, or maybe I did fight with you because I secretly wanted to break up with you, like you used to mention in the middle of our fights.

"Rejection is part of life"

I don't have the answers, I just have the time to ponder every thought that might make things clearer. Thinking of all the friendships that changed because of this relationship. The girls I could've been close with by now, the best friends I'm not as close with now, because of how I spent most of my time with you.

Maybe I liked the package that came along with the relationship, the friendships that got stronger, the parental approval, the open mentality, the feminism. but isn't that every single relationship? that you like attributes about the person and what they have to offer? I make it sound like such a transaction when I put it that way, as if there were no emotions.

I wonder what I had to offer? There's the obvious sex, maybe dancing at clubs(?), I can't really think of stuff at the top of my head. I know I was funny and warm and gave good massages, but they sound so mundane and stupid and not very unique.

Ugh, I need to get out of this slump before I start reverting back to my old sappy self and lowering my self esteem.

It's over, you made the right choice, now shower, eat, do your laundry then study.

18/01/13

I don't really have much to say, I just feel like I need to.

My friend told my mom that I'm not wearing Hijab anymore, she's known for a week now, she's pretending like she doesn't know, i guess? she kept asking her if kuwaitis are talking and what is my dad going to do and all of that. I actually felt like I wanted to talk to Al, but fuck it I don't need his support, my friends were supportive, I talked to B, Da and Fa about it and I'm not sure how to tackle it, especially that when dad called today he emphasised on how I should take care of my Hijab and my mom mentioned that my dad got into a fight with my brother and was upset, but he's glad he doesn't have to deal with that with me and my eldest brother, and how his heart aches when his son disrespects him.

I don't know if these were all hints, or just her talking, or just him talking.

I didn't go to work for the past two days and I've been thinking about it a lot, what I should do next.

Ab didn't talk much this weekend, so I didn't wanna be a drag. I feel like we're gonna drift apart after this break up. it seems inevitable with him living closer to Al's friends. It sucks. not gonna dwell over it. I still love him, he's like my little baby.

and the rest of my friends are supportive and encouraging, so it shouldn't bother me if Al doesn't know about this, but the more I write about it the more I'm now thinking about it.

being tired is probably over dramatising everything, I don't even feel like writing. I sent him a snapchat today of something random by mistake, I don't want him to think it was intentional, he didn't respond anyway.

and my roommate is out of control.

and i'm barely here in my head.

I laughed when my friend told me that my mom knows now, because i never told her not to tell my mom, she only found out about the situation last week and i told her to talk to my mom so she'd have an outlet, the girl went all out and explained to her how i've been suffocating.

I probably shouldn't laugh, this is not funny. I really am changing, maybe i'm too detached from reality, or maybe my break up has finally broke my sensitive bone and I'm now stone cold.

I told K that I don't want to talk to my mom today because I don't want to cry, I haven't cried in two weeks, I don't wanna break my winning streak.

I called today and she didn't answer, I'll try and talk to her tomorrow.

My first ex saw me today without hijab for the first time, and he was awkward and grumpy, I just found out he's in my building. I didn't give it much thought, but it's interesting to know all the boys in my life know about this (well, except 2)

My mom is denial.

I'm probably in denial about something, I'm just not sure what it is.

I skipped 4 days from this rotation so far, and it's supposed to be a tough one, but i'm studying well and I'm almost done with the curriculum.

I'm also halfway through the Hunger Games.

I'm ok.
But, I'm not.
or maybe I'm just not used to being ok, that I think I'm in denial.
But knowing that my mom knows, means that I'm one step closer to reality, to my dad. to face my biggest fear, but B told me today "what exactly are you afraid of? it's not like they can take away your scholarship" so I guess it's the unknown that I'm scared of.

I'm tired to death and I shouldn't be writing at this moment. I just want to read one chapter of my book while listening to music then pass out, I didn't go out tonight as well, but I had an amazing brunch, and spent the whole weekend with friends and my novel.

I'm more quiet and less goofy than usual, maybe it's because my comfort zone for the past semester was around the friends related to Al's life, so it's hard to find my ground right now with my old friends, but it'll happen.

edit:

ok, so maybe I miss you just a little. reading in bed with music on seems to always get to me and I get this feeling at the bottom of my gut, those achy butterflies that scream "Why?", I'd love to have someone to brush my hair while I read, or that we'd read together like we did last summer, I'd read one chapter, then you'd one chapter, until we both fall asleep.

to tell you the truth, I woke up today thinking of our first kiss and smiling to myself like a fool, with the piece of fruit in my mouth asking if you'd like to share and we're curled up on your couch. Those were great memories, we had so much together when it's just the two of us, under those covers. but people have to interfere.

Music reminds me of you, I hate how music makes me feel. but I'm tough enough, I won't let the guitar remind me of you playing songs in bed, I'll just learn how to play and do it myself. And I won't let my emotions blind how you've been making me feel for the last two months, how you betrayed me. how I was only an option, not number one.

we're not monsters, you and I. we have our demons, and we have our angels. but I haven't cried in two weeks, and not having you to read this book with me, won't make these tears fall down my cheeks. It's not worth it. you'll be a memory soon enough, as I am to you by now. I'm glad I was never one of your ex's that would beg you to get back with her, sure I was a hot mess the day of the break up. but never since. when your friend texted about you, I was just worried. and then never since.

It's the nights that bring out my horrors, my loneliness. But everyone gets lonely..

"You hate being alone. well, you ain't the only one" right? :)

Plus, I can  just go to my neighbours, they're all there right now, but I really am sleepy and wanted to read before bed. I should do this at his place tomorrow night so that I won't feel this way.

I remember when my roommate would curl up into bed with us when I'm reading to you. I think our fourth friend was there as well.

Good times.

Maybe i'll feel better if my roommate doesn't fuck up big this time and actually comes back and stays this year. I love her but she's gone cray. I haven't talked much about it here, but I probably should.

Everyone is a beautiful mess these days.

17/01/13

I studied a lot yesterday as I waited for someone to give me work, got nothing. so i went home and i over-napped then studied one more lecture then read The Hunger Games, watched youtube and Vines then slept some more. and then Guess what? I skipped another day of this week, and I kept rationalising it when I snoozed a million times with 10-15minutes intervals how they're not gonna find out and I came up with a lie incase they do. It could've been a fast pace day at work, but I got discouraged by how little work I got last night that I didn't care, so here I am at 1:20pm in bed with no work, no studies done, which reminded me of Al, but not in the "Oh, I miss him" way, just genuinely remembered him in what he does around the course, the carelessness about attending. I guess I'm the same now, I really hope this doesn't turn into a pattern, I should attend tomorrow, although it's a weekend, and I should attend a whole week next time.

I should probably go to the gym and compensate for the past two days, I think I'll do two workouts today.

why am I still broke? :( our salary isn't in, yet. which means I shouldn't be going out tonight, plus Ab would want to drink and I don't think that would be a good idea, with the off-chance that Al might show up and I do get emotional, I've made it this far. And I haven't had a drink for 17 days, I'm not cutting out of my life, but there isn't much to celebrate. we were going to celebrate our salary, but that's out of the question, and I'm not using my parents money, even though they put money in my account, I don't want to use it out of the principal.

I think writing is grounding me in a way that I don't need to complain about all these little details to other people and let it drag along and I can just word vomit here then forget about it. Or am I forgetting about it? I can't say the situations related to the break up don't cross my mind, whether consciously or in my dreams. But the fact that I'm not arguing about it or crying about it (tomorrow marks two weeks of no tears - Yay, me!) shows how i'm not obsessive, I don't know if I never was obsessive but Al took a shot at me with that angle and made me doubt myself, or if I was only obsessive around him. Because I really don't feel like I'm thinking of certain situations for too long and getting enticed by them.

Kaw and I have been distant lately, we still try and talk on an almost daily basis. but she just talks about sex instead of her real problems, which i'm sure she's going through with her parents divorce hearing coming up, and I'm not that interested in talking about sex, even when I had someone to play with, I just thought it was a shallow thing to keep talking about over and over and over. I don't know how to redeem our situation, I hope we don't drift apart, well, we sorta are. but we've acknowledged it and are working on it.

I've been talking to a guy - Nas - lately, zero attraction, zero interest though. we've known each other since last summer, but he's been on my twitter since 2010. and it's merely a friendship, but it's still nice having someone to talk to about mundane things (work, studying, food, random jokes) so that I don't fill the emptiness with something damaging. It's nice using a healthy friendly outlet for your feelings, instead of lust. even though i'm not talking about my feelings to begin with. There isn't even an undertone of flintiness in our convos. I used to talk to him less when I was with Al, but now we're talking on a daily basis, about nothing. I wouldn't miss him if he was gone, I would do the same with any of my other friends. but I like that he doesn't know much about me, and I don't want him to know anything, so I wouldn't have a reason to complain as I would with other friends. But I do appreciate having this low case friendship around, to small talk every day. even if I hate small talk.

By the way, why do female comedians have to talk about sex in all their skits? I haven't seen a single comedian with just a normal skit. we have other things to talk about, you know?


2:40pm - still in bed, watched another horrible HIMYM, new season sucks. and now i'm watching New Girl where she's trying to figure out why her bf's friend doesn't want to be her friend, the irony.
I don't think i'm getting off my ass today, until I'm about to die from starvation of my friends are off duty.