we met up, we talked, he wanted to get back together, I said no, he left, then came back because it was raining and slept on the couch - most likely an excuse - ended up sleeping on my bed, ended up hooking up, ended up with me breaking it off because it was too soon, ended up with Al being drunk and calling me to come over and talk, ended up in my bed and me trying to sleep while he talks, ended up having anal sex the next day and spending the whole day in bed, ended up having bath tub sex the next day before he left. ended up feeling anxious about everything moving fast and how we're technically dating.
I don't want to be in a relationship.
I tried to talk to him last night and today and it didn't work out because of our schedule, I am so anxious over this weekend, this shouldn't have happened, I shouldn't be dating him, I have too many things going around to be in a paper thin relationship that can and will crumble at any second due to our history, even if he says he loves me and wants to marry me, I can't afford to believe him, I don't have the energy, I don't have the strength, I don't have the mental stability.
I kept stressing over when he'd talk to me when he meant home, if he's going to change now that he's had his way with me.
I am fucking stressed.
I am so fucking stressed.
I need to break it off, I can't be with anyone I resent for what they've done to me, especially if i don't feel equal to them since my self esteem is slowly slipping away, everything about my individuality is slowly slipping away.
I think I am slowly entering a depression with the rotation I'm on with all the added stress from my roommate and my family situation, and now Al.
I hate this rotation, I hate the working hours, I hate the disrespectful tutors, I hate how they make you feel stupid if you get the wrong answer, I don't skip class but I keep skipping atleast a day every week now, I dread waking up in the morning, I dread attending, and when I don't attend - like today - I just stay in bed and hope I seize to exist. I find myself being caught up with the idea of failing and giving up, even though I finished the material.
And all he has to offer, is be cute and cuddly whenever I complain, I don't want to hear another "Aww" and "don't be" that's not real support, I want something raw and real. not the fake romance that will eventually fade away. I'll just copy the text I sent last night since I really need to sleep:
"The last thing I want is to bottle up my feelings then explode, I feel that by worrying about whether you'd talk to me or not is the first sign of me compromising my individuality and going back to my old ways, I feel that by getting back together I've let you off the hook easily for hurting me and that I dont have pride since I still am hurt by what you Did and you still didn't make it up for me, I feel that I'm going into another circle when I already have trust issues but you're already in, I feel that everyone will think I have no self respect when they know that we got back together, I feel like It's only at the beginning that you make me feel important then when you're comfortable enough with having you'll start treating me the same you used to, I feel that I want more actions to prove yourself and I rushed into this out of loneliness. I want to feel like a princess, not be told I am one in the first cham yom if this were to ever work out, I want the best to offer and if you can't then we should cool off and stay friends, I already feel that my personal growth is put on pause with the fluctuation of emotions that came along with having you back in my life, I'm already up late typing this instead of worrying about school and sleeping early, I feel that I'm not equal to you and I need to be more self confident and accomplished before I am comfortable being with someone and not feeling Any resentment. I don't want to say that I love you and miss you unless I'm 100% convinced that you deserve my devotion because the idea of it is already stressing me, I'm not sure how it turned from a one sided thing to me doubting myself"
Even if he says he's going to be there for me, it's unrealistic with our busy schedules to be there with one another, which is fine if we were friends, but don't expect me to be ok with a partner not being emotionally available at my disposal as demanding as this may sound, if you want me back, I don't want to fucking put energy into being understanding.
You will let me down, I just know it. I resent that I let things progress so easily.
and the worst part is, I don't seem to be able to cry if he's not around, I've been wanting to cry all day but I can't seem to.
Also, I need to stop saying that he shouldn't worry about it, no it's ok that you fall asleep when I have something important to say, it's not ok that you want me to come over instead of the other way around when you're the one that fucked up.
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