29/1/14

I deleted your messages, and I deleted your number, and by tomorrow I'll either e-mail you this or just forget about it.

I am sick of all your bullshit, when I wasn't available, you kept talking to me and spent all these days with me, and as soon as i'm "yours" that all disappears.

fuck you for telling me that i'm irrational, fuck you for telling me that I should tell you what I want you to do.

if it really mattered to you, if i really was your future, if I ever was a priority, you would make sure that you're available, that you check up on me, that you call. it's not that I need it, but don't fucking offer something if it's not going to happen.

I'm so angry by the mind fuck that is today, I want to be with you, this isn't going to work out, I want to work this out, I've tried.

make up your fucking mind.
make up your fucking mind.
make up your god damn fucking mind.

I should've just been firm and ended up, I don't feel that you deserve to be with me, because you're a selfish person that thinks of their own happiness, if you really were happy for me progress then you would've stayed away so I can continue growing, if you weren't up for taking care of me this week, you should've - honestly I don't really know what to say, I don't really know what I want anymore.

all i know is that I was handling everything before he came back into the picture and distorted every fucking plan I had.

I resent what happened between us, I'm not ready to forgive - that I know.
I resent how he schedules my problems as if all I needed was a timeline.
I resent how he expects me to be perfect when I am clearly not ok to be acting on my best behaviour.
I resent how of all people, I should be able to talk to him about what I think is a prevailing depression, but he just comes in and "diagnoses" me as if I was in denial and he can now magically fix it.

fuck you.

there was no need for you to come in when you knew you wouldn't compromise your attendance to be late for an hour for my stability.

and now you can take the easy way out by saying you've tried and I've asked you to leave so you have to respect my adult opinion.

If you know me, then you'd prove me wrong by attempting to speak to me even if I do reject you. If you don't, then I'm definitely blocking him from everything of my life and moving on.

I fucking hate this shit.

I've been constantly having this image of being stabbed in the back with my bones breaking, right now I just want to fucking stab him repeatedly so he'd feel a shred of what I've been feeling.

fuck you, for trying to show me how so much better you are than me with handling your emotions vs. my irrationality.

Fuck you.