Just hold on, we're going home.

Laying on the couch with my friends, dark room, Drake in the background.

Eyes shut and head tilting, letting the music sink in and feel lost in it, I don't know if my medications are making me feel this way or if I'm just believing in myself to enjoy the little things in life, like a good song.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but almost every time Al talked to me during our break-up, I would know instantly that he'd do it. I'd be staring at his number and psychotically thinking "Talk to me!" and then his status says that he's typing something.

Today I became a little psychotic as well when he started texting me a few moments ago, but this time it''s because I was so worried, He got so depressed in the past 24 hours, I just need to know he's ok. I tried to get his friends to pay him a visit but apparently he didn't answer his phone or something. I don't know if I'm writing more because I think I'm losing him, or if this is the 1st weekend in a while where there's nothing I need to study, or if it's because I haven't been alone for a while.

My neck and my lower back have been killing me, my abs and breasts are very tender. I have to admit that last night when he kept trying to shove his dick in my mouth, I got a little scared, Obviously I kept saying no - which is improvement - and I just thought that I need to trust him not to cross the line with me and that he's just drunk and trying to hurt me on purpose.

I don't know if I should bring this up again, I don't know if I should bring up that night ever. I've decided to let go since it's only a drunken night, but I can't help and wonder if what he said was true. Does he really enjoy being miserable? is he really seeking for an argument? and most importantly, is that what I've been doing as well for the past 2 years, if not in my relationships?

I need to cherish the good moments, I need more positive posts about great days, it's been a while.