i've been contemplating why i'm talking to Al this week, especially that he's a major reason to why i'm taking the break. he's just dragging my spirit and going way off with the travel plans and hanging out, even if it is charming, it did show a sort of impulsive that is alarming. because we could break up on an impulse aswell. last night we had an argument and i couldn't enjoy my night out with the girls, i noticed after 3 shots i did start to loosen up and dance, but then the anger showed up again and i ended up talking to him and arguing and crying, it wasn't as dramatic as before, but it still wasn't a way to spend the holidays. i noticed how temporary my happiness was with alcohol and that i needed more to keep up with it, but i controlled myself because that's a slippery slope i shouldn't go through.
I told him not to speak to me again and it seems that whatever this week was has finally ended, the only problem is, although we broke up 6 weeks ago, having to say it again feels like another break up that starts the grieving process all over again. i hate this. i shouldn't be feeling down. but that's what he always does. get under my skin then disappear on an on and off basis, this doesn't mean that i want him back, but why couldnt he just stay away after the break up so i can properly get over him. talking back and forth about how we can be together is only messing with my emotions. if it's over i need it to be properly over.
in 24 hours i'll be packing my stuff back home, this isn't how i'm supposed to end my vacation. this is not the clarity i had hoped for.
damn you and your mind games. and at the end of the day yes, you will have your friends to support you even if you were momentarily alone, and i'll still be fucked in the head. and yes i know this is more of a chase to him than true love, which also isn't healthy for my sanity. and yes there's a chance you're gonna try and find this blog again and read all of this, but fuck it, you hurt me, karma needs to hurt you back.
Men are disgusting and drain the life out of you.
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