It's mind boggling how after what Al did, I'm starting to remember the positive things that Mo has done to me, I know it's probably because I want to keep myself in the illusion of being wanted, because realistically speaking, they were both a piece of shit, and a few good moments here and there won't erase their wrongs. Just like with Al, was he always horrible? No. But what good does that make if he kicked me at my lowest point. I need to stop thinking about that day and get back to my point, which is reminiscing about Mo. I just kept remembering that day when I got in a car accident and he forced me to meet him and gave me the biggest hug, he was so freaked out even though it was minor, but the fact that I was crying made him worry sick, I remember my friend telling me how he kept chain smoking when he heard about it and was waiting anxiously. He sat me down and ordered nothing but deserts and didn't let me lift a finger, the large macaroons and the cheesecakes, and then ever since that he drove me everywhere. It was very adorable and romantic. never letting me open the door for myself and reaching out his hands so I could step out of the car like a princess. and then when he finally got back and I met him at the airport, we went straight to his place and he kicked everyone out and I spent time with his god while he changed then just carried me to his room and got me to cum for the first time. I had only recently learned how to cum that break, but I never came with anyone before, the look on his face when that happened was amazing, he didn't even let me touch him, he just kept going and going and going.
or that time in the shower where we were both high and I was so out of it that i started humming the mexican chicken dance or something like that while blowing him, when I got up to kiss him he just looked at me with his stoned eyes and asked "were you... humming what I think you were humming?" then I realized how spaced out I was and couldn't stop laughing. Al thought it was annoying when I hummed, although he said he missed it when we broke up. but I think it's hilarious how it all started, obviously I'm not going to tell him that happened out of respect, even if he doesn't deserve it.
each person has their good side and their bad side, even that prick Mo I remember the good side of him at times, but I see his good side as a separate person from the bad side, and when I run into him now I only see the person he is today.
it's like when I reminisce I don't see it as him, it's like I was with a distant character from a movie that does not exist anymore.
Same thing with Al, for now I don't have the ability to remember anything good about him, but I know in time I'll remember the good stuff as if they were another person, and not the selfish person he is today.
I almost lost it yesterday with him being in the same class as me, I was fine all day, but at the end of the day I started hyperventilation, sweating and feeling lightheaded. this gush of emotions just ran through me, like a flashback of everything that happened that last week, and I just had to leave the class. it's like PTSD, except that the thing I need to avoid, the trigger to my emotions, is him. I see his face and I remember the state I was in before I took the pills, what I was thinking of, how it felt to take them all in, the relief of awaiting death, the aftermath in the hospital and the side effects, how dirty I was and disgusting I smelt for the next day although I showered everyday, but I just kept sweating like crazy and the smell was strong from the drugs. I looked disgusting, my twitch was disgusting. so can he blame me for looking at him and feeling disgust? of course he'd blame me, it's always my fault. he doesn't have the nerve to tell me he's sorry but he has the ability to make it all about him. poor little Al that had a dramatic gf.
I hate love. I hate him. He cost me a best friend that I shouldn't have made in the first place. I don't have anyone that I really talk to about this openly, I haven't told my bestie Shay about this coz I don't want her to worry. my friends here don't know the full story coz they won't understand. and a therapist is paid to listen. This is all your fault. No, it's not my fault for being weak. It's your fault for being selfish. Ab thinks he was a dick but had to act fine, his best friend came to my door to tell me she's keeping him away from me and she won't make him come near me again. yet he's still going to find a way to complain and act like this is all my fault.
I hate this.
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