19/01/13

I've  been up for atleast 3 hours, still don't have much motivation to get out of bed. I have about 100pages left of my book, coz that's what I've been doing for the past few hours. I should be studying, I should be working out. I know once Monday starts and I attend I'll be right on track, I don't really do well with nothing on my plate but my own sense of responsibility these days. where I've given myself a break for no reason expecting to accomplish things on my own turf.

I have no excuse to waste the whole day. I'll get up and shower after this entry.

I'm basically just wasting time writing this so that I won't start my day. It's kind of amusing how every little thought can be written here so I don't feel as crazy as when I have my conversations in my head.

I still didn't talk to my mother, I'll probably call to make use of my wasted time.

You crossed my mind a few times, but so did many other things that you think of when you're procrastinating.

I debated whether I loved you or not, because I'm not in as much pain as I remember with other ex's. but maybe it's coz I'm growing up, or maybe I did fight with you because I secretly wanted to break up with you, like you used to mention in the middle of our fights.

"Rejection is part of life"

I don't have the answers, I just have the time to ponder every thought that might make things clearer. Thinking of all the friendships that changed because of this relationship. The girls I could've been close with by now, the best friends I'm not as close with now, because of how I spent most of my time with you.

Maybe I liked the package that came along with the relationship, the friendships that got stronger, the parental approval, the open mentality, the feminism. but isn't that every single relationship? that you like attributes about the person and what they have to offer? I make it sound like such a transaction when I put it that way, as if there were no emotions.

I wonder what I had to offer? There's the obvious sex, maybe dancing at clubs(?), I can't really think of stuff at the top of my head. I know I was funny and warm and gave good massages, but they sound so mundane and stupid and not very unique.

Ugh, I need to get out of this slump before I start reverting back to my old sappy self and lowering my self esteem.

It's over, you made the right choice, now shower, eat, do your laundry then study.