I've been in bed for hours, i feel absolutely shit. I had to deal with a night a full day of him actively hurting me, I know he's done it in the past, but from what I remember all i used to say is curse words.
I'm all drained out, and he made me feel so guilty last night, he didn't return my calls and messages, and now i'm supposed to just come over for their dinner? I have zero energy, zero tolerance about what happened, and it's not cute when he acts like he doesn't know why I'm upset. He apologised yesterday when he was fully drunk. but he needs to take back everything he said or I can't be with him anymore. I know that I need to just put this behind me and close off this drunk night, and I really do. but I can't tell if he was trying to hurt me or if it was all true.
I am disgusted by how nonchalant he is and if he expects me to be all loving and horny. even after everything that happened, he kept persisting on cumming, I cave in and had a nice moment with him because he said it'll help him sleep, and then what? he just waltz out as soon as his friends call and invite him for food. I may not be just a body for him on other days, but yesterday, I was a fucking body.
To top it all off, my mother ignored my texts and today dad called from her phone and she didn't talk to me. what a fucking shitfest today is.
Why can't I just fucking die? I don't mean it in the sense that oh im in a depressive episode let me take today's pill and i'll be all fine and dandy. but seriously, why don't I just take all those pills infront of me and die? what is stopping me? He told me that the only thing that stops him is his bestfriend.
now that I think of it, nobody is giving me hope right now, not even him. I am fighting the urge to take those pills right now. I searched how to overdose on it but nothing is coming up, and those pharmacists probably gave me this 1.5 strip coz you can't overdose from it. my roommate uses the same one so maybe if i use hers with mine, i'll be fine. the thing is actually stopping me right now is that I dont want a failed attempt, I want it done once and I'm dead, I don't want it to be pumped out and then I have to be in a psych ward like a crazy person. if it's going to happen, I need it to be perfect.
I hate him. I hate my mother. All they're doing is making me feel bad about myself today. fuck what people say about having loved ones, it only makes life harder, all they do is seek comfort from you like a leech but offer none in return. momentary warmth for sucking out your soul. I feel so hollow and cold. I need to leave this place, I need to forget these people. I am being being suffocated.
Edit:
another thing that's pissing me off, small talk. what do you mean "how are you?" why can't people get to the fucking point, nobody cares how are you, this girl that I see from time to time asked me that on WhatsApp. nobody gives a shit, so shut up. I fucking hate social media and WhatsApp.
all this fucking small talk. why can't people appreciate silence. go to fucking sleep.
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