21/1/13

I haven't had enough time to write up what's been on my mind lately, right now it feels like the information got mushed up.

He talked to me a few days ago, started two conversations, and all I was thinking: "if you miss me, just say it"

They were two normal conversations, about random things that started with a purpose that felt fabricated, but that's alright. what happened today was baffling, he texts me asking me to teach him a lecture, and I told him that I don't think we should hang out, and he has his friends to help him out. it turned into a mini argument, and going back and forth. Honestly, I can live without his friendship, and I don't need a fake friendship, I'll never be as important to him as his friends are, and I would rather die than deal with his friends bitchiness more than I have to in uni.

She avoids eye contact, says hi to people around me yet ignores me and sits alone rather than join us, only because I'm around. Get a grip, him and I broke up, why are you involved?

He used his usual tactic of exaggerating my points to make his more valid, typical. I didn't feel like arguing some more so I just let it go and acted cool. He admitted missing me when I told him the same, but that's not enough for me.

First of all, I don't believe that he is pursuing a friendship, he's probably too proud to say he misses me in a girlfriend type of way, who are we kidding? it's been two weeks and a half, feelings don't disappear.

Second, I shouldn't compromise, even in a friendship. if you're putting me in a situation where I am constantly feeling uncomfortable, then why should I tolerate it? or "get over it"

Third, I haven't cried ever since I left, do I really want to start again?

Fourth, he keeps saying that we shouldn't hate each other and he doesn't, why would he? It's not like he's the one that was hurting in the relationship, I was. even though I don't hate him, but I have reasons to whatever he's making me feel.

"Being nice" Being nice is running into each other and having a little conversation, we don't need to be hanging out alone studying, because I'm pretty sure he'd want to hide it from his friends and it'll turn to another hook up, and I'll end up right where I was last year. No, Thank you.

I'm not going to see him if he mentions it again, I'll be delightful if we cross paths, but actually setting up time to meet, does not sound like a good idea.

If he wants his friends to control his relationships, then he needs to stick to his decision. Just talking to him today was a major distraction, I could've finished the last four lectures and started my boards, but I had to get worked up over this. And, Yes. I did work me up, because I've been doing well, school wise, friends, working on the family thing of course, but I'm getting somewhere. Just yesterday Faj and I spent the whole night listening to a band we like, talking about changing the world, hating on the hypocrisy of our country, I haven't done that this whole year in college, because I'm spending all my time with him. It felt like her and I were roommates again like we were in first year. And I talked to Has about what happened today and he was more than supportive without attacking Al, which I appreciated, he actually just kept asking me: "what do you want? do you miss him? its ok if you do, feelings are part of being human" instead of giving the fuck you speech.

Till this moment, there's still back and forth texting, I appreciate the initiative that he's trying, but I'm not ready to be my bubbly self, I honestly don't feel that he deserves it. Especially if his friends are really enough for him.


There's a lot of negative energy in this post, so I should write down a smile list:

1. Hot guy in college glancing at me a lot, his lips are very pink.
2. Hot guy mentioning using a finger to perforate a hymen, I almost died of laughter.
3. Listening to music with my friends.
4. Dancing to a song I'm obsessed with.
5. Cherry peppers with cream cheese I found at the supermarket.
6. Nice consultant at the clinic.
7. Answering right at the tutorial and impressing the tutor, although he was intimidating and I answered wrong at first.
8. Al admitting he misses me.
9. Reading my novel at the bus, i'll finish the book today. Actually right now.