weakness

I despise feeling this way. This primal need of love. I have my friends around me, but it's hard never being one of those people that never felt utter love towards their family and having to find it in other people. Your family's love is a gift, I don't know why I can't feel it. I know they love me, but I can't feel it if I can't feel myself, that's why I fell for the subhumans in my past. It's a little hard for me to compare Mo and Al now that they kinda did the same thing. Always felt bad about not confronting Mo, maybe it was better than having Al not give a fuck about what he did and just giving me a sorry and we'll talk later, then there was no later. I can't believe he's making Mo look better.

Love is an illusion, Home is an illusion. I can't think of one person that loved me "unconditionally" without a time limit. Even the friends I had in the past, walked away over minuscule differences.

So what is the Answer, god, world, higher power or whatever is out there? My friend asked me to speak to god and I told her I stopped believing at the age 14, so I need me an answer. I need warmth, I need to be able to pick up the phone right now and sob, instead of crying here in front of a screen in secret.

This damn music keeps reviving feelings that stirring inside, it crushes me knowing I felt happy listening to these same songs and now I'm out here with nothing to hold onto to. I'm moving into my friend's place to feel a little safe, I'm not sure what could happen if I stay alone another night.

Why did he have to do this? Why couldn't we just be happy? Why didn't he just fix this? Why didn't he just save me? Obviously his answer to that would be: "you're an adult and you made an adult decision" or "Why are you afraid of me leaving you" "Do you need a man to be happy?"

And it's not that at all, it just seems whenever I try to make a male friend they just want to date me, I end up dating them thinking they're great friends, so why not lovers? Well, for starters lovers walk away. You should never make a best friend from a partner, cause when they're gone, when they violate you, not only are you left alone, but you're bruised and broken.

Who would've imagined that my best friend is going to force himself on me and then not own up to it.

Weak.