18/01/13

I don't really have much to say, I just feel like I need to.

My friend told my mom that I'm not wearing Hijab anymore, she's known for a week now, she's pretending like she doesn't know, i guess? she kept asking her if kuwaitis are talking and what is my dad going to do and all of that. I actually felt like I wanted to talk to Al, but fuck it I don't need his support, my friends were supportive, I talked to B, Da and Fa about it and I'm not sure how to tackle it, especially that when dad called today he emphasised on how I should take care of my Hijab and my mom mentioned that my dad got into a fight with my brother and was upset, but he's glad he doesn't have to deal with that with me and my eldest brother, and how his heart aches when his son disrespects him.

I don't know if these were all hints, or just her talking, or just him talking.

I didn't go to work for the past two days and I've been thinking about it a lot, what I should do next.

Ab didn't talk much this weekend, so I didn't wanna be a drag. I feel like we're gonna drift apart after this break up. it seems inevitable with him living closer to Al's friends. It sucks. not gonna dwell over it. I still love him, he's like my little baby.

and the rest of my friends are supportive and encouraging, so it shouldn't bother me if Al doesn't know about this, but the more I write about it the more I'm now thinking about it.

being tired is probably over dramatising everything, I don't even feel like writing. I sent him a snapchat today of something random by mistake, I don't want him to think it was intentional, he didn't respond anyway.

and my roommate is out of control.

and i'm barely here in my head.

I laughed when my friend told me that my mom knows now, because i never told her not to tell my mom, she only found out about the situation last week and i told her to talk to my mom so she'd have an outlet, the girl went all out and explained to her how i've been suffocating.

I probably shouldn't laugh, this is not funny. I really am changing, maybe i'm too detached from reality, or maybe my break up has finally broke my sensitive bone and I'm now stone cold.

I told K that I don't want to talk to my mom today because I don't want to cry, I haven't cried in two weeks, I don't wanna break my winning streak.

I called today and she didn't answer, I'll try and talk to her tomorrow.

My first ex saw me today without hijab for the first time, and he was awkward and grumpy, I just found out he's in my building. I didn't give it much thought, but it's interesting to know all the boys in my life know about this (well, except 2)

My mom is denial.

I'm probably in denial about something, I'm just not sure what it is.

I skipped 4 days from this rotation so far, and it's supposed to be a tough one, but i'm studying well and I'm almost done with the curriculum.

I'm also halfway through the Hunger Games.

I'm ok.
But, I'm not.
or maybe I'm just not used to being ok, that I think I'm in denial.
But knowing that my mom knows, means that I'm one step closer to reality, to my dad. to face my biggest fear, but B told me today "what exactly are you afraid of? it's not like they can take away your scholarship" so I guess it's the unknown that I'm scared of.

I'm tired to death and I shouldn't be writing at this moment. I just want to read one chapter of my book while listening to music then pass out, I didn't go out tonight as well, but I had an amazing brunch, and spent the whole weekend with friends and my novel.

I'm more quiet and less goofy than usual, maybe it's because my comfort zone for the past semester was around the friends related to Al's life, so it's hard to find my ground right now with my old friends, but it'll happen.

edit:

ok, so maybe I miss you just a little. reading in bed with music on seems to always get to me and I get this feeling at the bottom of my gut, those achy butterflies that scream "Why?", I'd love to have someone to brush my hair while I read, or that we'd read together like we did last summer, I'd read one chapter, then you'd one chapter, until we both fall asleep.

to tell you the truth, I woke up today thinking of our first kiss and smiling to myself like a fool, with the piece of fruit in my mouth asking if you'd like to share and we're curled up on your couch. Those were great memories, we had so much together when it's just the two of us, under those covers. but people have to interfere.

Music reminds me of you, I hate how music makes me feel. but I'm tough enough, I won't let the guitar remind me of you playing songs in bed, I'll just learn how to play and do it myself. And I won't let my emotions blind how you've been making me feel for the last two months, how you betrayed me. how I was only an option, not number one.

we're not monsters, you and I. we have our demons, and we have our angels. but I haven't cried in two weeks, and not having you to read this book with me, won't make these tears fall down my cheeks. It's not worth it. you'll be a memory soon enough, as I am to you by now. I'm glad I was never one of your ex's that would beg you to get back with her, sure I was a hot mess the day of the break up. but never since. when your friend texted about you, I was just worried. and then never since.

It's the nights that bring out my horrors, my loneliness. But everyone gets lonely..

"You hate being alone. well, you ain't the only one" right? :)

Plus, I can  just go to my neighbours, they're all there right now, but I really am sleepy and wanted to read before bed. I should do this at his place tomorrow night so that I won't feel this way.

I remember when my roommate would curl up into bed with us when I'm reading to you. I think our fourth friend was there as well.

Good times.

Maybe i'll feel better if my roommate doesn't fuck up big this time and actually comes back and stays this year. I love her but she's gone cray. I haven't talked much about it here, but I probably should.

Everyone is a beautiful mess these days.