6/3/14

"you are lying down next to me as i type this. THE SOUND OF THE KEYS tapping is probably really annoying you. I’m sorry. Actually I’m not. Regardless of how annoying i am, the fact that I’m next to you should b enough. a7ibich. uffffffffff a7ibich. br cranky bacher i don’t care. I will take care of you.

love,

A"

This was saved on my laptop from when he was drunk. Where did that sweet boy go? Maybe I was too blind with loneliness to see through his selfishness when he came that night, that it wasn't really about supporting me, but comforting himself and feeling loved.

Now he's just a coward that sends people to do his dirty little business, but I guess that's always been his thing, the old child syndrome. Not wanting to deal with anything negative and handling any responsibility but using humour as a camouflage. 

His bestie L asked me today if he could apologise to me, I thought that maybe he tried to contact me but I was ignoring, turns out he blocked me on FB which I shouldn't care about, but that does not seem like someone that wants to speak to me again. I didn't appreciate him asking her to send over his message, if you really cared, you would be able to handle the rejection whatever reaction I was going to give you, rather than send over someone so that your ego doesn't have to take a hit. And all he's going to do is say the magic word - sorry - and then his conscious is clear and he can go about this month partying with all his friends, while I'm stuck in my own head going crazy.

I'm sorry but why should it matter if this is eating him up, why should I cater to his needs? You don't just decide to clear your conscious two weeks later, while I have to deal with all these appointments, daily dispensing of treatment and constant monitoring by school and friends, yet I still feel hollow.

I know that I'm actually hurting from losing someone that I thought of so dearly, but talking will just bring me tears and add to the stress, he'll be nice for a week, make me live a fantasy. and then fuck me over. I just have to deal with one more day, then I'm never running into him for 5 weeks, which should be enough for him to forget my existence and move on to whatever he finds next, and enough time for me to be strong on me own. then it's just another two weeks of another rotation then I probably would never run into him again. As I type this, my heart clenches, part of me doesn't want this to happen, but it has to. This person does not want my best interest, for all I know, he secretly might want to destroy whatever shred of confidence I have. All he cared about is happiness, everyone else's happiness, and then maybe,, maybe mine.

stress. stress. exhaustion. stress.

Even happiness seems like a task at this point. Another day of being bubbly and social, I don't know if he was glancing at me, but I made sure there was no eye contact. I still can't handle eye contact. I was confident, I was fun, sang a few songs with my friends in the car - arabic to be more specific, weird I know - , then I'm in bed and... it feels like the day never existed and I'm just miserable.

Maybe this would pull me through.

If only Love was solid.
If only men weren't scum.