Bedtime blues

http://8tracks.com/shy-hearts/long-winter-nights

I've decided to listen to this playlist while reading the Hunger games before I head to bed.

Music can stir your emotions at times, which is why I usually avoid it. I also like the silence and find it underrated, as the book "Lullaby" described it: "people are silence-phobics"

I feel calm reading and listening to the relaxing music, but I couldn't help and think it would've been nice to have someone with me in bed while I read and glance at from time to time, it felt like such a love-filled moment with noone to love, but I'll be fine.

It's strange that I thought of Mo and not Al at that moment, maybe because Passenger - Let her go was playing and it was a song he used to play around me a lot. Coldplay is playing right now and that's a memory of Al that I'm letting go of as well.

Even with the horrible, horrible ending with Mo, and the unsettling indifference of Al, they're good people. Al more than Mo, Mo is more hateful and spiteful towards people in his past.

Who's to say Al isn't? I wonder if he misses me, or if he bad mouths me. I hope my memory makes him smile, I hope he knows how much I gave up to make him happy. I hope part of him wishes we could go back in time and fix things.

I don't want any actions, but him feeling that way about me would mean a lot to me as much as I hate to admit it. knowing that you were more than a body to enjoy and not a weight on someone's shoulder, not a burden, not a problem.

I guess the music is squeezing out every bit of emotions inside of me, I haven't spoken that way about him, even in therapy.

Still no tears, but I teared up for a millisecond when my therapist said that I seem to have been very hurt by how people I care about were treating me last week.

At this moment, with Skinny Love in the background, I care. I probably won't in the morning. But right now, right at this second, I care. Not sure about what, and why, but I have feelings trapped inside of me, that I have no outlet for.

Maybe the reason why I've been remembering Mo recently, is just because of the lack of emotional outlet, maybe I never grieved over what had happened between us, I had a few pleasant dreams about him, but I wouldn't say that i miss him, because I deserve much better. Actually, now that I think of it, i'm probably distracting myself from Al by thinking of someone else instead of actually jumping into another relationship, which I find pretty healthy. Because I know I am not interested in Mo and I find him beneath me, but it's nice to remember the good memories that make you smile, the joy rides, eating in bed, walking alongside the beach near his favourite spot, living with his beautiful dog, smoking up with his roommate and drinking milk with Nutella, carrying my from the shower to the bed in a wrapped towel and brushing my hair.

I'm happy with those memories, I don't want to dwell over the past and that awful night, I don't want to feel anger whenever I see him, I just want to see another human being that was in my past, nothing more.

As for Al, I'm not sure. I want to feel the same, but it's too fresh and hurtful to know I've made the same mistake again.

Damn you comfortable bed and soothing music, when will my roommate come back so she could keep me company? Let's hope she didn't screw up this time, and actually makes it on time before college kicks her out.

Side note: noticed on one of the playlists the sentence "what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?" There is nothing more stupid than thinking that way, I can never view a partner as the best part of me. I am me, and I am great with or without you. Your existence is a compliment to my life, an accessory if you may. but it is not and never will be a necessity.