3/1/14

finally started studying, Has is over to help me studies by studying whatever he's doing today. but i need to get this out of my chest.

had a bad morning, i couldn't shake off the shitty feeling of last night, couldn't blow off steam at the gym, so i called up Al to ask for a break so i could clear my thoughts, but then again it escalated. he said that it shouldn't be about placing blame on him and that if I'm not happy i should just say i'm not happy lets break up. so i did. i can't lie and say I'm not happy, and i can't lie and say he's not the reason I'm not happy. he still doesn't get it. i can't say that i don't care, i can't say that he didn't try and i wasn't stubborn and i said that i don't wanna fix things the next day, so i shouldn't feel hurt when he texted me that i should take my stuff today. i still didn't go coz i really wanted to study and i didn't want to be emotional when i get my stuff.

I talked to Ab about this and i kept asking for an impartial opinion, i was a little surprised because he said that he noticed that Al makes a lot of mistakes in his relationship and that his friend is making a big deal out of not liking me, or else why would Al separate else. which is true, if she really "doesn't get bothered by these things like me since she's not sensitive" why can't she handle being around me? I barely spend time with her for her to form an opinion about me, and i do find it childish and bitchy, as if she's claiming him as her best friend and i'm just the girlfriend. shda3wa you can't share him and you need to stay away from me, mara7 aklich. yet i'm the kid in the situation for getting mad.

I'm glad someone is on my side and thinks i shouldn't deal with this, however i'm not sure if i should meet him at the airport tomorrow to have one final talk face-to-face. since i'm not sure if doing it over the phone is the best way to end things, plus i really do need to take my stuff if this is it.

I can't believe that he does not give 2 shits about us breaking up, and that he's willing to let this all go, just because his friend doesn't want me around her precious space, i really do resent her now. she caused so much shit between us, yet i am the vilian.

I might just try to be the bigger person tomorrow, which is something very hard for me to do, after he already told me to take my stuff, i'm afraid that it'll make me look desperate. then again, i don't want my pride to get in the way.

lemme finish these 6 fucking pages then decide.


Edit:

I half assed them, but at least they're out of the way.

I want to go, because I don't want to be petty, and I should at least give him a chance for one last conversation about this before we end it, but I'm really worried I'm gonna be shut down at the airport. what if he just tells me: you've had your chance to talk, I'm not talking to you anymore. it'll just look like as if i was going to beg him to get back with me, which isn't the case. I just feel that I didn't give him a chance, I'm not really sure that I want to be in a relationship with him and have this fight over and over again. There is the relief of having that out of my way, but then there's this small part that feels.. bad. I feel like i'm going to become a demon in his eyes like last time, we wouldn't talk anymore, it'll just be awkward when we run into each other, avoid eye contact. what if when I start work on Monday and I see Mo I'll become weak and pathetic and start missing him to empty the space of Al? That dude is a total scumbag, and I would never get back with him after what he did, but what if seeing him when I know i'm not in a good place, would make me feel even worse, they say the best revenge is to be happy, but right now i'm not happy. I know break ups are tough, and Al is a good person, but the stress of this is too much, it's literally the only thing we keep arguing about over and over again, I don't remember the last time we had a problem when it comes to sex. Ugh, I'm so confused, pros and cons times.

Al-

Pros:

1. funny.
2. warm hug.
3. the first person to be able to hold me in bed and not let go.
4. supportive of my views on equality
5. supportive about the Hijab situation.
6. non-religious.
7. puts an effort when meeting people in my life.
8. I don't feel threatened by him, if I say the wrong thing it won't immediately lead to a break up like it was with Mo.
9. Compliant with his medication, which means he wants to improve himself.
10. his mom likes me
11. he liked Bambini
12. non-judgemental over any un-orthodox views I have, and my friends.

Cons:

1. jokes around when I'm angry to divert rather than fix the problem.
2. doesn't listen when I'm trying to talk and just answer with simple fix ups or analysis.
3. non healthy eating and smoking.
4. does not seem to want a future for the long run, makes me wonder why we're dating.
5. Does not admit when he's wrong, and always rationalises it, same way he rationalised why he talks to his ex, now it's the situation with his friend.
6. Divides time, when it shouldn't be divided in the first place.
7. not very nice around guys, mostly girls.
8. Can be douchey and not really spend time with me, like the day he left, he just spent the day playing video games when I only had a few hours before he went to see her.
9. makes me feel cheap when he does point 6 and 7, as if i'm a toy to play with, but not to communicate to or show in public, i feel like an embarrassment.
10. is cold when i'm mad, does not hug me or kiss me, his face is just blank and I have to get an "ok".
11. unmotivated with studying.
12. barely goes out with me, but goes out with his friends. back to point 9.
13. belittles my issues with my ex, and make them about him.
14. interrogating form of questions.
15. sometimes it feels like he's bored of my company after sex.
16. does not treat me the same way he treats me around his other friends when he's with her, he's more guarded with his emotions. we only kissed in front of her once.

I should sleep, so pros about breaking up with him, is that i don't have to deal with the cons, cons about breaking up with him, we may have been something, and I might miss him, I know that I won't self destruct over a boy, but I'm worried that I might end up self distracting, although the extra time, would give me more time studying, unless I start my cycle of getting with someone new because they're "better"

he says that rejection is part of life, I don't have a problem with that. what I do have a problem with, is telling me you love me, but not acting on a simple request of taking out that stick up her ass, I'm tired of being nice to people that are being a complete bitch about my existence. who gives a shit what you think of me, why can't you keep it to yourself? I'm not going to make you cry by existing in Al's life. Man, people need to get out of my business, I was right when I said that we should keep our relationship to ourself, everything was better when we were.

to try and brighten my fucked up post, here's the damn Smile list:

Talking to Ab in bed.
the skirt I wore today that almost fell coz it's a size bigger and i borrowed it from my roommate.
Hanging out with the boys.
15kg squat bar.
looking in the mirror after my work out.
low fat chocolate fro yo at the movies.
funny comments between Ab and I at the movie.
studying with H and watching that 70's show before studying.

good night, mind fucking meddling world.