I feel like my conscious has been clouded, I don't even know how this day has passed. It was a good day, I laughed a lot, ran into my ex and felt nothing, I don't think I need to confront him about anally raping me while I was asleep that one night to move on with my life, I just felt.. nothing.
The day passed by and when I went to get my jacket from the theatre, he was sitting next to my count, I kinda wondered if it really was a coincidence, but I still felt nothing towards him, this is good.
I studied in the hospital all day, this is good.
I ran to therapy today because I was late, and then it happened. I just got in all sweaty and hyperventilating, I just started talking, and talking, and talking. what happened with my mom, what happened with my dad, what happened with Al, what happened with his friend, what happened on Monday when I saw her, what happened with my sudden confidence boost.
I was very angry, determined, I didn't give a shit about consequences, all I cared about is that I am invincible.
I talked about how I have to talk to my dad soon, even if they come here they can't come without me accepting their stay in writing for their visa, even if they stay in a hotel they can't yank me out of college, I seemed very powerful.
When she asked about Al I said that I'm fine as well, that he's going to miss me when I'm going, that I know he thinks I'm a catch. It's weird that she's a therapist and she's impartial and tells me about the stuff that I'm doing wrong, and she actually said that what his friend is doing sounds like jealousy when it comes to an outsider, as if she wants a relationship with him, but I explained that it's a mommy relationship, not a personal relationship, but she does strike as the kind of girl that wants to be the only girl in a group, she has 2 female friends in total, and she's always alone in class.
She suggested everything I wanted, that I should confront her if it's still uncomfortable.
This all doesn't matter anyway, what matters is that I've never been like this in therapy, I really feel like I spaced out in that session and it was more of a subconscious vain demon inside of me, I still love myself, but what if this effects me that I stop loving people again.
There's a hot guy in class and I'm not interested in a relationship or anything, because I am content with being on my own, but I kept thinking that if I was ready, I'd totally get with him.
I feel like I just woke up from today and it was all a dream, I didn't cry in the session even when I talked about my family or the break up. I was emotionless in a way, irritated at points, but still emotionless.
I haven't cried since the day you left me, I plan on not crying at least until Saturday so it would a full week, then I'll work my way from there. I figured one week goals are better than one month when it comes to feelings, and I haven't been in any arguments since Saturday.
Maybe I miss.. feelings?
God, I really don't know what's up with me today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a normal day, although today wasn't out of the ordinary, I just feel detached from reality.
I feel like i'm dwelling in my own self gratification, and I'm kind of lost inside myself.
I haven't masturbated since we had that fight, today I masturbated just for the sake of it, I didn't even feel like it, I was just bored, it felt good. but again, this day was not who I am.
I just went through my entries, I like that I mentioned how I don't feel the need for boys when i'm studying back in the summer and that I wanted to journal more because it keeps me sane. I'm not doing it on purpose, it just happened.
Could this be my way of dealing with this break up? Detachment and fogginess of consciousness? I really do feel as if I am high, I'm kinda too happy for someone [like me] who just broke up with their partner. am i in denial? I'm fine, but I'm not
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