I spent the entire day laying in bed in aching pain, i've been joking about it, but it can be really hard being a female when you're menstruating, I had to hunch my back while walking up and down the stairs today because of my back ache. I'll start studying tonight out of guilt, but this slumming out has got me thinking of my Dad.
Once I tell him, this will change my life as a feminist, I know that I seem to be pre-occupied with the term. But politics and women rights are growing to be more and more important to me by the day. I won't be able to take a stand unless I face my greatest fear; my father. until then, I am a hypocrite, talking about how we should stand up against men, against inequality, what we believe in, when I haven't done it myself. I can't say that I haven't evolved, I have stood up against my family throughout the year, I still remember the day my brother confronted me about me religious views and I stood up from my seat, took off my Hijab and threw it on the floor. I also stopped talking to my brother for the past year and a half due to his issues with my Hijab. And I did stand up against my mother when she disrespected me and blew up on her last week on the phone, I wasn't disrespectful, but I said it more than once, I don't want to wear Hijab. I finally said it. We've been texting ever since, I don't think she's ready to call me back after that day, she's probably too scared to have any input on the matter, but that's ok. Because I myself need to learn to get my point across without hollering, Children aren't supposed to teach their parents about how to handle life and their self-worth, but I do feel that I should teach my mother about taking control of her life, not to say that there weren't a few things that she learnt through me, but I don't want her to believe that yelling will get her what she wants in life. I'm building my strength to face my demons.
My mother learnt to write notes to our family when in feuds, just like I did with my father when I once had a request about being an exchange student at the age of 16 but was too scared to ask, he denied it and said I was too young at the time, but at least I tried at the time. part of me wants to write him a letter about this, but another part knows that it would be better to face him or at least talk to him on the phone. I can't expect him to be happy, but this is a gateway to break the communication barrier that girls have with their fathers, I don't think I have any female friends that are close with their father, at least not arab once.
I need to do this before I preach anyone about empowerment, facing my parents is an empowerment of it's own.
Smile List:-
1. Although my whole body is aching, my abs are sore from yesterday's workout and 6 pack is finally showing, I started lifting weights since 12/11/13 so it's only been a month and a half and my body completey transformed, my arms are defined and my ass won't fit from the size increase. yes, i'm grateful for my ass.
2. I'm grateful knowing that I don't feel guilty not going to the gym today, I just miss it. it's been integrated in my life, so is clean eating, without feeling guilting about indulging every now and then like I did today.
3. Don't have much to smile about today since I'm in too much pain to do anything. - oh wait! I sent my boy a happy drunk text telling him how much I love being with my friends but he's a lovely compliment to my life, and he seemed very happy, he said he saved the message which meant a lot to me. the difference between my ex and my boyfriend, is that the ex is very exaggerative and hopeless romantic at first, then crashes you. but Al is very calm and poised, even when he texts, so when he does show emotional it comes straight from the heart, not that he usually doesn't, but he doesn't do the whole overly romantic overly attached boyfriend. which is something i really love, because I honestly was never a romantic person but I just get used to it with people and then get withdrawal when its yanked away. I love having someone that can make me laugh instead of flamboyantly expressing pre-mature emotions.
4. This didn't happen today, but Al's mother and mine, met. which I admit feels awkward, I'm not sure if they even liked one another since i'm not speaking to my own mother, but it made me smile knowing Al initiated and did not freak out over the thought, which he would have a year and a half ago. we've come a long way.
5. Happy that Al spoke to his father about his depression and current medications which have helped tremendously in his personal and academic life.
6. I'm happy that I'm now friends with Ab's best friend and that he's someone I can trust, he completely had my back on New years and made sure I was safe, he's a very respectable guy and has a clear understanding of boundaries. also it was super cute how we accidentally matched outfits. our photo is definitely going on my wall of fame. :)
It's actually been a very good new year, I love my friends, I love my boyfriend, I love my life and I'll get over my problems with my family in 2014.
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