it's over. it took a long time to get it over with, as it went from discussions, to crying, to laughter, to intimacy. I was indecisive when I was about to leave and I'm glad he didn't say let's get back together, he said he will always put his friends first, so if it's not her, it'll be someone else. I am very hurt and shocked by the fact that I was never a priority, because it means everything I used to doubt was true, I always come second in his life. like I said we ended it on good terms, I know he loves me, but now that it's sinking in, I'm starting to resent him for putting me second in his life, there was no point in us being together if that was the case, because there were many times when I should've been out with my friends but I chose to spend the night with him, and now I feel like I'm left alone and abandoned with no best friends, I know I am exaggerating because I do have a lot of friends, but all the friends that i'm super close with don't know about my drinking and sex life, and then all the people that do know about these things, they're either away like my roommate of my friends back home, or we're not that close, so i felt like he was the link between both, I feel bad for putting him first. maybe not first in a sense that i'd leave a friend for him coz that's just stupid and it annoys me that he kept bringing up not stopping her friendship for me, I had to constantly say that I never asked about that, she just needed to get that stick out of her ass and have no opinion of me, but that's too much.
I said a lot of things before I left, which showed strong emotions, that I now wish I hadn't, because I've been fluctuating between fine and happy about having my own life, to hurt about my a second option in his life. I shouldn't have told him that I loved him the most in my life, when he clearly doesn't, he did say that he loves me, but he loves his friends more, I honestly feel very cheap, it really does confirm my doubts about being replaceable.
Guys are pigs, although he did say that he loves me, if I am a second option I can't help but wonder what did he like about me other than my looks? even today there was subtle flirty moments and wanting to see my abs, what the hell? I'm so appalled by that sentence, I feel so small.
so, so small.
Why did I tell you that I see a future? I hate opening up.
I hate putting myself out there.
I hate falling for people.
I know I can do better in certain aspects, I can replace him at this very moment, I can form a mental list right now of everyone who would date me, but I don't really know how I can find someone that had the same qualities that he did, obviously I'm not looking for a copy, but it's a little rare to find guys that are ok with everything I do and want to do, guys who don't get jealous easily, guys would are not intimidated by a pink dildo.
I know I said the same about Ahm, and then I met someone else, but I still always have to compromise when guys never do (to be fair Ahm, did) just like Al didn't compromise today.
My roommate used to hate him coz he said mean things about me to her ex, I just worked silently to bring them closer, I told her how much he mattered to be until she accepted him, I didn't have to make a big fuss about how she doesn't like him, I just gave it time.
Fuck. This. Shit.
I hope I won't need to replace this emptiness with another boy, I hope I won't get into another relationship until I graduate. It's a shame that his mother liked me. It's a shame I won't have someone to provoke my thoughts when it comes to the situations I'm in, like he did today when he asked about my mom and how I need to talk to her again.
All I wanted was a friend, I tried so hard to not date him so that this wouldn't have to happen, nothing is the same after a break up, I don't think we'd ever have the ability to converse like we used to, I would always open up about my family in bed at night.
Such a waste to have fourth months of a proper relationship, combined with the 2 months of flirty friendships, for it to come to an end, over a girl. He keeps saying that she's not the reason why we're breaking up, it's how i'm reacting. Man, even Ab told me that he's being stupid about this situation.
I wish my roommate was back already, I really need a hug. other than Ab, I don't have anyone back in town I can trust to talk about this. Actually, now that I think about it, Ab and my roommate are the only people in town that I would talk this openly about it. my gay friend knows about our relationship and a lot of personal stuff, but I wouldn't want to talk to him about this. He's friends with the girl.
then again, Al doesn't talk to anyone about his dating problems, but I'm different. I really, really, really need a hug right now. I keep fluctuating and it's driving me crazy.
I'll try and clean the apartment and distract myself, Hus was supposed to come over and study with me, but he noticed that I didn't look too well at the gym, and told me that he wouldn't mind if I want to spend the night alone. How can I tell him that I actually do mind being alone right now, I just don't want to study.
I was going to delete Al's and messages so that I don't go through them, but I've decided to self discipline myself and not check his last seen or old messages. Which is pathetic because after our fight 2 nights ago, I stalked my ex for about 10min. I doubt I'll do it again, but I just hope I won't get self-destructive this semester. Like Al said, I have come a long way from last year emotionally, and part of me didn't want to be with Al as i told my therapist, because I wanted to prove to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, but I didn't want to hurt Al just to prove a point to myself.
I guess the universe has put me under the test.
Game on.
Edit: I just realised he's going to be in my class at noon on Monday, just my luck.. coz who needs time to process their feelings, We weren't together the whole time we were together, now we break up, I see him on one. thanks a lot, God.
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