2/1/14

4am, still didn't study. wasted a fucking day just arguing with Al. of course now that he's coming back we have to start fighting again. and of course it has to be about his friend not liking me.

god forbid i don't get reminded of this.

I counted to 10, i responded when he was nice, i went along with the sexts, but i'm so fucking angry. i tried to sleep but i keep tossing and turning with tears running down my cheeks. is it so hard for him to understand that i should be the priority and he should just be spending his day with me? is that so hard to ask?

it's been more than a month with us arguing over this, I hate the fact that something so stupid is getting to me, i didn't even wanna spend the whole day, i just wanna fucking study. i don't like the fact that a guy is making me feel this way, i'm not sure it's worth it. he's not a horrible person, he's really nice, but what's the point if I'm just going to be upset for the next year and a half over the exact same topic. he says i shouldn't let it bother me, but when he keeps pulling the shit he did today, like setting up a fucking schedule, it's hard for me to see past it. and you know what? the day he left, he did the exact same thing, and he didn't even spend time with me when said i could stay till 6:30 before he has to leave to his friends place.

I'm not the type to like to deal with break ups, and I feel that I am being too harsh on him, but why should I deal with this? sure, it'll suck when we first break up, it'll make the group dynamic shift and I won't get to see Ab much, but that also means that I'd be crying for a while, and then it'll stop. I can't believe i spent the past 5 hours crying about this? I don't want to deal with this anymore, I should be studying not weeping over a stupid argument, I hate my feelings and my sensitivity.

I could be with someone else that I don't have to worry about their friends not liking me.

I'm so fucking pissed right now, it is a big deal to me, and it is a deal breaker. I'll just sleep on it before I make a final decision.

I don't know if i should text him or do it in person. but if i do it in person id have to do it in the airport, that sounds cruel. then again, why should i stand this? this has been eating me up ever since I found out.