30/1/14

New decision:

big part of me feels that I shouldn't be with him, it's too soon. which is definitely true and I need to assert with him, not because he's horrible, not because he's not sweet, but I'm not ok.

Let's just talk.

No meet ups, no sleep overs, let's just slow down. If I'm falling apart I could ask him to help, but until then, I need to be happy with who I am, this past week has been very stressful and tearful.

I need a break.

29/1/14

I deleted your messages, and I deleted your number, and by tomorrow I'll either e-mail you this or just forget about it.

I am sick of all your bullshit, when I wasn't available, you kept talking to me and spent all these days with me, and as soon as i'm "yours" that all disappears.

fuck you for telling me that i'm irrational, fuck you for telling me that I should tell you what I want you to do.

if it really mattered to you, if i really was your future, if I ever was a priority, you would make sure that you're available, that you check up on me, that you call. it's not that I need it, but don't fucking offer something if it's not going to happen.

I'm so angry by the mind fuck that is today, I want to be with you, this isn't going to work out, I want to work this out, I've tried.

make up your fucking mind.
make up your fucking mind.
make up your god damn fucking mind.

I should've just been firm and ended up, I don't feel that you deserve to be with me, because you're a selfish person that thinks of their own happiness, if you really were happy for me progress then you would've stayed away so I can continue growing, if you weren't up for taking care of me this week, you should've - honestly I don't really know what to say, I don't really know what I want anymore.

all i know is that I was handling everything before he came back into the picture and distorted every fucking plan I had.

I resent what happened between us, I'm not ready to forgive - that I know.
I resent how he schedules my problems as if all I needed was a timeline.
I resent how he expects me to be perfect when I am clearly not ok to be acting on my best behaviour.
I resent how of all people, I should be able to talk to him about what I think is a prevailing depression, but he just comes in and "diagnoses" me as if I was in denial and he can now magically fix it.

fuck you.

there was no need for you to come in when you knew you wouldn't compromise your attendance to be late for an hour for my stability.

and now you can take the easy way out by saying you've tried and I've asked you to leave so you have to respect my adult opinion.

If you know me, then you'd prove me wrong by attempting to speak to me even if I do reject you. If you don't, then I'm definitely blocking him from everything of my life and moving on.

I fucking hate this shit.

I've been constantly having this image of being stabbed in the back with my bones breaking, right now I just want to fucking stab him repeatedly so he'd feel a shred of what I've been feeling.

fuck you, for trying to show me how so much better you are than me with handling your emotions vs. my irrationality.

Fuck you.

28/1/14

I obviously didn't talk about what happened between Al and I last weekend, I didn't have the time, in fact I didn't have the energy. so i'll keep it short since i need to sleep.

we met up, we talked, he wanted to get back together, I said no, he left, then came back because it was raining and slept on the couch - most likely an excuse - ended up sleeping on my bed, ended up hooking up, ended up with me breaking it off because it was too soon, ended up with Al being drunk and calling me to come over and talk, ended up in my bed and me trying to sleep while he talks, ended up having anal sex the next day and spending the whole day in bed, ended up having bath tub sex the next day before he left. ended up feeling anxious about everything moving fast and how we're technically dating.

I don't want to be in a relationship.

I tried to talk to him last night and today and it didn't work out because of our schedule, I am so anxious over this weekend, this shouldn't have happened, I shouldn't be dating him, I have too many things going around to be in a paper thin relationship that can and will crumble at any second due to our history, even if he says he loves me and wants to marry me, I can't afford to believe him, I don't have the energy, I don't have the strength, I don't have the mental stability.

I kept stressing over when he'd talk to me when he meant home, if he's going to change now that he's had his way with me.

I am fucking stressed.
I am so fucking stressed.

I need to break it off, I can't be with anyone I resent for what they've done to me, especially if i don't feel equal to them since my self esteem is slowly slipping away, everything about my individuality is slowly slipping away.

I think I am slowly entering a depression with the rotation I'm on with all the added stress from my roommate and my family situation, and now Al.

I hate this rotation, I hate the working hours, I hate the disrespectful tutors, I hate how they make you feel stupid if you get the wrong answer, I don't skip class but I keep skipping atleast a day every week now, I dread waking up in the morning, I dread attending, and when I don't attend - like today - I just stay in bed and hope I seize to exist. I find myself being caught up with the idea of failing and giving up, even though I finished the material.

And all he has to offer, is be cute and cuddly whenever I complain, I don't want to hear another "Aww" and "don't be" that's not real support, I want something raw and real. not the fake romance that will eventually fade away. I'll just copy the text I sent last night since I really need to sleep:

"The last thing I want is to bottle up my feelings then explode, I feel that by worrying about whether you'd talk to me or not is the first sign of me compromising my individuality and going back to my old ways, I feel that by getting back together I've let you off the hook easily for hurting me and that I dont have pride since I still am hurt by what you Did and you still didn't make it up for me, I feel that I'm going into another circle when I already have trust issues but you're already in, I feel that everyone will think I have no self respect when they know that we got back together, I feel like It's only at the beginning that you make me feel important then when you're comfortable enough with having you'll start treating me the same you used to, I feel that I want more actions to prove yourself and I rushed into this out of loneliness. I want to feel like a princess, not be told I am one in the first cham yom if this were to ever work out, I want the best to offer and if you can't then we should cool off and stay friends, I already feel that my personal growth is put on pause with the fluctuation of emotions that came along with having you back in my life, I'm already up late typing this instead of worrying about school and sleeping early, I feel that I'm not equal to you and I need to be more self confident and accomplished before I am comfortable being with someone and not feeling Any resentment. I don't want to say that I love you and miss you unless I'm 100% convinced that you deserve my devotion because the idea of it is already stressing me, I'm not sure how it turned from a one sided thing to me doubting myself"

Even if he says he's going to be there for me, it's unrealistic with our busy schedules to be there with one another, which is fine if we were friends, but don't expect me to be ok with a partner not being emotionally available at my disposal as demanding as this may sound, if you want me back, I don't want to fucking put energy into being understanding.

You will let me down, I just know it. I resent that I let things progress so easily.

and the worst part is, I don't seem to be able to cry if he's not around, I've been wanting to cry all day but I can't seem to.

Also, I need to stop saying that he shouldn't worry about it, no it's ok that you fall asleep when I have something important to say, it's not ok that you want me to come over instead of the other way around when you're the one that fucked up.

Respect

I was not expecting yesterday.

I ran into Al's friend and I felt the tension rising, it made me uncomfortable and I decided to do something about it, not for him, but for me. I can't say it didn't bother me that such person is actively ignoring me in a small group, so I approach her, I said hi and asked what's wrong and why she's acting that was. She was defensive and aggressive at first, she did not seem interested in the idea of speaking I me and how she shouldn't have to be "my friend" which I was offended by because that was not what I was looking for and it made me seem pathetic. That I was obsessed with her liking me and Al told her about all our fights in details, that I was gossiping about Al to her roommate and broke their friendship, and so on. I corrected her about specific situations, like her roommate who already did not like him at the time, that It's not gossip to vent to a friend, that I do feel rejection by how she acts around and that it hurts.

She gave me her points and I explained me, the tension went down and it was a real discussion, I ended up in tears when speaking about my ex and how it ended, I'm not proud of that. She admitted when she was wrong, apologized for how she made me feel, gave me praise for actually turning Al down when he wanted to see me and put myself first even though she admitted being angry over me taking a shot at her with my messages. She also acknowledged that it took strength for me to stand up to her, and that she felt guilty knowing that I'm under a lot of stress And she added do it and expressed concern over me hurting myself because of this - although id never do that for a boy - which meant a lot to me. We ended it on good terms and even had lunch with our friends.

It was interesting when she explained her points of view, how she felt about certain things and I did not feel offended my it.

I was surprised Al told her everything about us, especially that he had told me that he never talks to anyone about us. I was disappointed to trust that aspect of him for breaking my privacy.

I went home, and I was happy. I had my closure, even if Al never contacted me again, I was content, because I did it for me.

And then my phone rang, and she asked to meet for coffee. I cannot describe how much I respected her for doing that, we met and talked for about an hour and a half, and she even said she wants to help me with my family situation and guide me as she's been through the same, and that she might even gain a friend out of this.

I still can't believe that was the outcome. My idea of confrontation does not really include this sort of compassion, as people are usually too proud to listen and would try to win the argument.

I still think the crying triggered something in me and I still haven't recovered, I couldn't sleep, I'm a mess and I can't feel the reality surrounding me.

posted from Bloggeroid

I hate you

Next Saturday would've marked 3 weeks of not crying, all you had to do is tell me how much you care and how you're there to catch me when I fall with everything that's been going on. I didn't tell you anything about my family and my mother, I really don't think you're genuine, and this isn't my pride talking. But the tears started falling when I read that, They were 8 precious tears.

I hate you.
I hate how you make me feel.
I don't care about you, why did that make me cry?
I hate you.
I wish you didn't talk to me.
I want to strangle every single emotion I have for you.
I don't want to be miserable to enjoy your semi-affection, and then compete for it.
I hate how it meant a lot to me.
If you care that much about me, why do you hurt me over and over again?
I hate you.
Even writing this makes me teary, but not enough to cry.
I hate how vulnerable you make me feel.
Why do I care? His affection should mean nothing to me.
Maybe I'm just PMS-ing.
Maybe I'm just lonely.
Maybe it's because I think he's talking to me out of boredom.
Maybe he's just lonely.
I don't want to be an excuse out of loneliness.
I'm a person with real feelings.
Not here for entertainment.
Not entertainment.
Not entertainment.
Not Hidden.
Not hated by someone who doesn't know me.
Not entertainment.
I hate you so much.
stop being nice to me, it always fades away when your real friends are around.
I'm not a commodity.
I'm not a prize to gain then toss.
endless cycles of bullshit.
fucking bullshit.

21/1/13

I haven't had enough time to write up what's been on my mind lately, right now it feels like the information got mushed up.

He talked to me a few days ago, started two conversations, and all I was thinking: "if you miss me, just say it"

They were two normal conversations, about random things that started with a purpose that felt fabricated, but that's alright. what happened today was baffling, he texts me asking me to teach him a lecture, and I told him that I don't think we should hang out, and he has his friends to help him out. it turned into a mini argument, and going back and forth. Honestly, I can live without his friendship, and I don't need a fake friendship, I'll never be as important to him as his friends are, and I would rather die than deal with his friends bitchiness more than I have to in uni.

She avoids eye contact, says hi to people around me yet ignores me and sits alone rather than join us, only because I'm around. Get a grip, him and I broke up, why are you involved?

He used his usual tactic of exaggerating my points to make his more valid, typical. I didn't feel like arguing some more so I just let it go and acted cool. He admitted missing me when I told him the same, but that's not enough for me.

First of all, I don't believe that he is pursuing a friendship, he's probably too proud to say he misses me in a girlfriend type of way, who are we kidding? it's been two weeks and a half, feelings don't disappear.

Second, I shouldn't compromise, even in a friendship. if you're putting me in a situation where I am constantly feeling uncomfortable, then why should I tolerate it? or "get over it"

Third, I haven't cried ever since I left, do I really want to start again?

Fourth, he keeps saying that we shouldn't hate each other and he doesn't, why would he? It's not like he's the one that was hurting in the relationship, I was. even though I don't hate him, but I have reasons to whatever he's making me feel.

"Being nice" Being nice is running into each other and having a little conversation, we don't need to be hanging out alone studying, because I'm pretty sure he'd want to hide it from his friends and it'll turn to another hook up, and I'll end up right where I was last year. No, Thank you.

I'm not going to see him if he mentions it again, I'll be delightful if we cross paths, but actually setting up time to meet, does not sound like a good idea.

If he wants his friends to control his relationships, then he needs to stick to his decision. Just talking to him today was a major distraction, I could've finished the last four lectures and started my boards, but I had to get worked up over this. And, Yes. I did work me up, because I've been doing well, school wise, friends, working on the family thing of course, but I'm getting somewhere. Just yesterday Faj and I spent the whole night listening to a band we like, talking about changing the world, hating on the hypocrisy of our country, I haven't done that this whole year in college, because I'm spending all my time with him. It felt like her and I were roommates again like we were in first year. And I talked to Has about what happened today and he was more than supportive without attacking Al, which I appreciated, he actually just kept asking me: "what do you want? do you miss him? its ok if you do, feelings are part of being human" instead of giving the fuck you speech.

Till this moment, there's still back and forth texting, I appreciate the initiative that he's trying, but I'm not ready to be my bubbly self, I honestly don't feel that he deserves it. Especially if his friends are really enough for him.


There's a lot of negative energy in this post, so I should write down a smile list:

1. Hot guy in college glancing at me a lot, his lips are very pink.
2. Hot guy mentioning using a finger to perforate a hymen, I almost died of laughter.
3. Listening to music with my friends.
4. Dancing to a song I'm obsessed with.
5. Cherry peppers with cream cheese I found at the supermarket.
6. Nice consultant at the clinic.
7. Answering right at the tutorial and impressing the tutor, although he was intimidating and I answered wrong at first.
8. Al admitting he misses me.
9. Reading my novel at the bus, i'll finish the book today. Actually right now.

Hmmm

Couldn't help but wonder why he talked to me, the mirror isn't exactly something I need in my life, and he started a convo. Twice, I wasn't overwhelmed with excitement. But, it was a nice: "oh, he's talking to me". It's hard to say if he was being polite or if he actually missed me and wanted a conversation, or that his friends are busy so let's talk to the backup. It wasn't a very long conversation but he did joke around and ask me about my feminist book and what I thought of it. That was cute, I guess. I downloaded the app on my phone since I didn't write my thoughts last night, but right now I'm waiting to start working but I thought I'd try out the app and see if it actually works. I'm guessing... Yes? We'll see when I'm home.

posted from Bloggeroid

19/01/13

I've  been up for atleast 3 hours, still don't have much motivation to get out of bed. I have about 100pages left of my book, coz that's what I've been doing for the past few hours. I should be studying, I should be working out. I know once Monday starts and I attend I'll be right on track, I don't really do well with nothing on my plate but my own sense of responsibility these days. where I've given myself a break for no reason expecting to accomplish things on my own turf.

I have no excuse to waste the whole day. I'll get up and shower after this entry.

I'm basically just wasting time writing this so that I won't start my day. It's kind of amusing how every little thought can be written here so I don't feel as crazy as when I have my conversations in my head.

I still didn't talk to my mother, I'll probably call to make use of my wasted time.

You crossed my mind a few times, but so did many other things that you think of when you're procrastinating.

I debated whether I loved you or not, because I'm not in as much pain as I remember with other ex's. but maybe it's coz I'm growing up, or maybe I did fight with you because I secretly wanted to break up with you, like you used to mention in the middle of our fights.

"Rejection is part of life"

I don't have the answers, I just have the time to ponder every thought that might make things clearer. Thinking of all the friendships that changed because of this relationship. The girls I could've been close with by now, the best friends I'm not as close with now, because of how I spent most of my time with you.

Maybe I liked the package that came along with the relationship, the friendships that got stronger, the parental approval, the open mentality, the feminism. but isn't that every single relationship? that you like attributes about the person and what they have to offer? I make it sound like such a transaction when I put it that way, as if there were no emotions.

I wonder what I had to offer? There's the obvious sex, maybe dancing at clubs(?), I can't really think of stuff at the top of my head. I know I was funny and warm and gave good massages, but they sound so mundane and stupid and not very unique.

Ugh, I need to get out of this slump before I start reverting back to my old sappy self and lowering my self esteem.

It's over, you made the right choice, now shower, eat, do your laundry then study.

18/01/13

I don't really have much to say, I just feel like I need to.

My friend told my mom that I'm not wearing Hijab anymore, she's known for a week now, she's pretending like she doesn't know, i guess? she kept asking her if kuwaitis are talking and what is my dad going to do and all of that. I actually felt like I wanted to talk to Al, but fuck it I don't need his support, my friends were supportive, I talked to B, Da and Fa about it and I'm not sure how to tackle it, especially that when dad called today he emphasised on how I should take care of my Hijab and my mom mentioned that my dad got into a fight with my brother and was upset, but he's glad he doesn't have to deal with that with me and my eldest brother, and how his heart aches when his son disrespects him.

I don't know if these were all hints, or just her talking, or just him talking.

I didn't go to work for the past two days and I've been thinking about it a lot, what I should do next.

Ab didn't talk much this weekend, so I didn't wanna be a drag. I feel like we're gonna drift apart after this break up. it seems inevitable with him living closer to Al's friends. It sucks. not gonna dwell over it. I still love him, he's like my little baby.

and the rest of my friends are supportive and encouraging, so it shouldn't bother me if Al doesn't know about this, but the more I write about it the more I'm now thinking about it.

being tired is probably over dramatising everything, I don't even feel like writing. I sent him a snapchat today of something random by mistake, I don't want him to think it was intentional, he didn't respond anyway.

and my roommate is out of control.

and i'm barely here in my head.

I laughed when my friend told me that my mom knows now, because i never told her not to tell my mom, she only found out about the situation last week and i told her to talk to my mom so she'd have an outlet, the girl went all out and explained to her how i've been suffocating.

I probably shouldn't laugh, this is not funny. I really am changing, maybe i'm too detached from reality, or maybe my break up has finally broke my sensitive bone and I'm now stone cold.

I told K that I don't want to talk to my mom today because I don't want to cry, I haven't cried in two weeks, I don't wanna break my winning streak.

I called today and she didn't answer, I'll try and talk to her tomorrow.

My first ex saw me today without hijab for the first time, and he was awkward and grumpy, I just found out he's in my building. I didn't give it much thought, but it's interesting to know all the boys in my life know about this (well, except 2)

My mom is denial.

I'm probably in denial about something, I'm just not sure what it is.

I skipped 4 days from this rotation so far, and it's supposed to be a tough one, but i'm studying well and I'm almost done with the curriculum.

I'm also halfway through the Hunger Games.

I'm ok.
But, I'm not.
or maybe I'm just not used to being ok, that I think I'm in denial.
But knowing that my mom knows, means that I'm one step closer to reality, to my dad. to face my biggest fear, but B told me today "what exactly are you afraid of? it's not like they can take away your scholarship" so I guess it's the unknown that I'm scared of.

I'm tired to death and I shouldn't be writing at this moment. I just want to read one chapter of my book while listening to music then pass out, I didn't go out tonight as well, but I had an amazing brunch, and spent the whole weekend with friends and my novel.

I'm more quiet and less goofy than usual, maybe it's because my comfort zone for the past semester was around the friends related to Al's life, so it's hard to find my ground right now with my old friends, but it'll happen.

edit:

ok, so maybe I miss you just a little. reading in bed with music on seems to always get to me and I get this feeling at the bottom of my gut, those achy butterflies that scream "Why?", I'd love to have someone to brush my hair while I read, or that we'd read together like we did last summer, I'd read one chapter, then you'd one chapter, until we both fall asleep.

to tell you the truth, I woke up today thinking of our first kiss and smiling to myself like a fool, with the piece of fruit in my mouth asking if you'd like to share and we're curled up on your couch. Those were great memories, we had so much together when it's just the two of us, under those covers. but people have to interfere.

Music reminds me of you, I hate how music makes me feel. but I'm tough enough, I won't let the guitar remind me of you playing songs in bed, I'll just learn how to play and do it myself. And I won't let my emotions blind how you've been making me feel for the last two months, how you betrayed me. how I was only an option, not number one.

we're not monsters, you and I. we have our demons, and we have our angels. but I haven't cried in two weeks, and not having you to read this book with me, won't make these tears fall down my cheeks. It's not worth it. you'll be a memory soon enough, as I am to you by now. I'm glad I was never one of your ex's that would beg you to get back with her, sure I was a hot mess the day of the break up. but never since. when your friend texted about you, I was just worried. and then never since.

It's the nights that bring out my horrors, my loneliness. But everyone gets lonely..

"You hate being alone. well, you ain't the only one" right? :)

Plus, I can  just go to my neighbours, they're all there right now, but I really am sleepy and wanted to read before bed. I should do this at his place tomorrow night so that I won't feel this way.

I remember when my roommate would curl up into bed with us when I'm reading to you. I think our fourth friend was there as well.

Good times.

Maybe i'll feel better if my roommate doesn't fuck up big this time and actually comes back and stays this year. I love her but she's gone cray. I haven't talked much about it here, but I probably should.

Everyone is a beautiful mess these days.

17/01/13

I studied a lot yesterday as I waited for someone to give me work, got nothing. so i went home and i over-napped then studied one more lecture then read The Hunger Games, watched youtube and Vines then slept some more. and then Guess what? I skipped another day of this week, and I kept rationalising it when I snoozed a million times with 10-15minutes intervals how they're not gonna find out and I came up with a lie incase they do. It could've been a fast pace day at work, but I got discouraged by how little work I got last night that I didn't care, so here I am at 1:20pm in bed with no work, no studies done, which reminded me of Al, but not in the "Oh, I miss him" way, just genuinely remembered him in what he does around the course, the carelessness about attending. I guess I'm the same now, I really hope this doesn't turn into a pattern, I should attend tomorrow, although it's a weekend, and I should attend a whole week next time.

I should probably go to the gym and compensate for the past two days, I think I'll do two workouts today.

why am I still broke? :( our salary isn't in, yet. which means I shouldn't be going out tonight, plus Ab would want to drink and I don't think that would be a good idea, with the off-chance that Al might show up and I do get emotional, I've made it this far. And I haven't had a drink for 17 days, I'm not cutting out of my life, but there isn't much to celebrate. we were going to celebrate our salary, but that's out of the question, and I'm not using my parents money, even though they put money in my account, I don't want to use it out of the principal.

I think writing is grounding me in a way that I don't need to complain about all these little details to other people and let it drag along and I can just word vomit here then forget about it. Or am I forgetting about it? I can't say the situations related to the break up don't cross my mind, whether consciously or in my dreams. But the fact that I'm not arguing about it or crying about it (tomorrow marks two weeks of no tears - Yay, me!) shows how i'm not obsessive, I don't know if I never was obsessive but Al took a shot at me with that angle and made me doubt myself, or if I was only obsessive around him. Because I really don't feel like I'm thinking of certain situations for too long and getting enticed by them.

Kaw and I have been distant lately, we still try and talk on an almost daily basis. but she just talks about sex instead of her real problems, which i'm sure she's going through with her parents divorce hearing coming up, and I'm not that interested in talking about sex, even when I had someone to play with, I just thought it was a shallow thing to keep talking about over and over and over. I don't know how to redeem our situation, I hope we don't drift apart, well, we sorta are. but we've acknowledged it and are working on it.

I've been talking to a guy - Nas - lately, zero attraction, zero interest though. we've known each other since last summer, but he's been on my twitter since 2010. and it's merely a friendship, but it's still nice having someone to talk to about mundane things (work, studying, food, random jokes) so that I don't fill the emptiness with something damaging. It's nice using a healthy friendly outlet for your feelings, instead of lust. even though i'm not talking about my feelings to begin with. There isn't even an undertone of flintiness in our convos. I used to talk to him less when I was with Al, but now we're talking on a daily basis, about nothing. I wouldn't miss him if he was gone, I would do the same with any of my other friends. but I like that he doesn't know much about me, and I don't want him to know anything, so I wouldn't have a reason to complain as I would with other friends. But I do appreciate having this low case friendship around, to small talk every day. even if I hate small talk.

By the way, why do female comedians have to talk about sex in all their skits? I haven't seen a single comedian with just a normal skit. we have other things to talk about, you know?


2:40pm - still in bed, watched another horrible HIMYM, new season sucks. and now i'm watching New Girl where she's trying to figure out why her bf's friend doesn't want to be her friend, the irony.
I don't think i'm getting off my ass today, until I'm about to die from starvation of my friends are off duty.

Bedtime blues

http://8tracks.com/shy-hearts/long-winter-nights

I've decided to listen to this playlist while reading the Hunger games before I head to bed.

Music can stir your emotions at times, which is why I usually avoid it. I also like the silence and find it underrated, as the book "Lullaby" described it: "people are silence-phobics"

I feel calm reading and listening to the relaxing music, but I couldn't help and think it would've been nice to have someone with me in bed while I read and glance at from time to time, it felt like such a love-filled moment with noone to love, but I'll be fine.

It's strange that I thought of Mo and not Al at that moment, maybe because Passenger - Let her go was playing and it was a song he used to play around me a lot. Coldplay is playing right now and that's a memory of Al that I'm letting go of as well.

Even with the horrible, horrible ending with Mo, and the unsettling indifference of Al, they're good people. Al more than Mo, Mo is more hateful and spiteful towards people in his past.

Who's to say Al isn't? I wonder if he misses me, or if he bad mouths me. I hope my memory makes him smile, I hope he knows how much I gave up to make him happy. I hope part of him wishes we could go back in time and fix things.

I don't want any actions, but him feeling that way about me would mean a lot to me as much as I hate to admit it. knowing that you were more than a body to enjoy and not a weight on someone's shoulder, not a burden, not a problem.

I guess the music is squeezing out every bit of emotions inside of me, I haven't spoken that way about him, even in therapy.

Still no tears, but I teared up for a millisecond when my therapist said that I seem to have been very hurt by how people I care about were treating me last week.

At this moment, with Skinny Love in the background, I care. I probably won't in the morning. But right now, right at this second, I care. Not sure about what, and why, but I have feelings trapped inside of me, that I have no outlet for.

Maybe the reason why I've been remembering Mo recently, is just because of the lack of emotional outlet, maybe I never grieved over what had happened between us, I had a few pleasant dreams about him, but I wouldn't say that i miss him, because I deserve much better. Actually, now that I think of it, i'm probably distracting myself from Al by thinking of someone else instead of actually jumping into another relationship, which I find pretty healthy. Because I know I am not interested in Mo and I find him beneath me, but it's nice to remember the good memories that make you smile, the joy rides, eating in bed, walking alongside the beach near his favourite spot, living with his beautiful dog, smoking up with his roommate and drinking milk with Nutella, carrying my from the shower to the bed in a wrapped towel and brushing my hair.

I'm happy with those memories, I don't want to dwell over the past and that awful night, I don't want to feel anger whenever I see him, I just want to see another human being that was in my past, nothing more.

As for Al, I'm not sure. I want to feel the same, but it's too fresh and hurtful to know I've made the same mistake again.

Damn you comfortable bed and soothing music, when will my roommate come back so she could keep me company? Let's hope she didn't screw up this time, and actually makes it on time before college kicks her out.

Side note: noticed on one of the playlists the sentence "what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?" There is nothing more stupid than thinking that way, I can never view a partner as the best part of me. I am me, and I am great with or without you. Your existence is a compliment to my life, an accessory if you may. but it is not and never will be a necessity.

Dear you

You're never going to read this, and I don't think I should ever tell you, you'll only see it as an attack, but it is for your own good.

we've went out separate ways and moved on, but there are things that were left unsaid, you should know that your mentality about dating and friendships is a path you chose that comes with consequences.

Why do people cheat? sex, lust, attention? everyone has their own reason.

Honestly, if I was a different person, that only felt like they weren't a priority, but were told point blank that they weren't, I would've probably played the field and had someone on the side.

Personally, I'm very against cheating and I don't have the energy to double cross people, but thinking back, when we dated last year I felt the same way when I woke up after my drunk night and you weren't there, yet Moh came all the way to your place at 10am to pick me up, although he didn't sleep yet.

and how did that end? I left you and went for him, because he gave me much more attention and his friends liked me and I did feel like a priority, obviously it didn't last long, but at the moment I did feel like a princess, having someone cater to me, feed me with love in bed and drive me around while holding my hands. as apposed to having someone who clearly wanted to avoid me around his friends (we see a pattern here, don't we?)

This actually made me wonder if that's why your last two relationships ended in cheating, that you made it clear that they're number 2, 15% of your life or whichever way you decided to explain it. What they did was hurtful and wrong, but there's always two sides of a story, maybe that was their side. I'm not sympathising or taking sides, I'm just putting myself in their shoes, if my boyfriend didn't care that much, yet someone else was dying to satisfy me and be my number one, would I go for it?

Obviously I would, except in my case I just left you. You're not a horrible person, you're fine, but I don't think I should be friends with you in the future, if you weren't here for me when I needed you. Come to think of it, you only started talking to me last summer because your friends weren't around, I don't want that to happen again, be the back-up. Hence I don't think there's room for a weak friendship, I have other people that can support me in my daily life with my Hijab situation.

I still appreciate the times you listened, even when there were times when you seemed bored.

I'm not sure I can keep my promise of never calling you an ex, because my feelings for you really are changing, and I'm seeing you from a different light.


Sincerely,

Your ex.

10 days and counting

Haven't cried in 10 days, if that's not a sign of progress, I don't know what is. Or it could be the fact that I don't have a broken relationship to stress over, because that's what I cried about 90% of the time. I catch myself skipping and singing these days, it feels good.

I still fluctuate towards how I feel about what happened, some days I start resenting him for confirming my doubts, being the only one who compromised and putting up with it for that long. that's what my friend Hus asked me the other day:

"What made you stay in this situation all this time?"

If someone isn't making you their number one, if your happiness is not their priority, if they're making you cry, why are you still sticking around?

It upsets me whenever I think about that, because it makes me look as if I had such low self-respect to allow myself to feel that way, yet still be in a relationship. Something was bothering me and he didn't care enough to fix it and placed the blame on me for feeling this way, why did I stay?

10 days of smiles. I must be doing something right.

Catching up with friends, studying, going out, eating great.

Do not let a boy change your priorities.


Smile list:

1. Going to work in Gym clothes.
2. Making a very shy colleague smile and converse, he's a very nice guy.
3. Meeting someone attractive, even though I'm not interested, it was nice having him join us to the movies and sit next to me while explaining a movie I was not into and making it entertaining
4. Finishing Female Chauvinistic pigs and starting the Hunger games last night.
5. Sitting on the floor at this moment with a pillow underneath me while I bend over the laptop to have the heater warm my butt. :p
6. Humming the mexican chicken dance then laughing at myself for remembering the one that I blew my ex Moh while humming in the shower it 'cause I was high.
7. Calling up my roommate last night, I miss her energy, although her recklessness stresses me out.
8. Stupid snapchats that the group is sending these days, Dal is hilarious.
9. Sa being a sweetheart and helping around the house, he got his toolkit and fixed my doorknob and got my groceries.

11/1/14

My friend Faj came over yesterday and brought all the stuff my mom had bought me, she got a pretty expensive scarf and she told me that my mom seemed upset when she saw her about me and that fact that I didn't come this break. I had a lazy day where I didn't go to class or study, I just spent it with my friends. my mutual friends went out with Al and had a crazy night, sure it felt bad that I won't ever be included but Ab called me today and told me that I have to go out with them next week and our friend told me that they missed me there. So their sweetness is all I need.

I decided to finally call my mom, we haven't been talking ever since that day and she was at the supermarket with my brother, it was just general conversation and that she wants me to meet her in London to shop and hang out, it seems like she misses me, so I told her I'll work on my visa. She told me to thank Al for taking the stuff and she thought his mom was nice but she didn't read into it (thank god) and she has no idea that there ever was a thing between us, she even said his name wrong again, but I felt awkward and I told her she can thank him if she wants. She even thanked me for calling her, that made me feel bad. I have to set up a deadline to call my dad and start talking to him about this.

I didn't do much when it comes to studying today as well, I fixed up the house and hung out with friends, Ab and Hus came over and we chilled, I feel awkward knowing that Al told Hus that we broke up, him and I are close, but not that close. we might go to a movie today if I don't start studying, something's just not right, I can feel it inside of me, I'm not that upset about Al, I just don't like being excluded because of him. I had a dream last night about a random person and I had a dream about Mo, but nothing about Al. I really don't know how I feel about him anymore, maybe I'm in denial, maybe my feelings weren't that strong, maybe I am just growing up and understanding that people break up, and that's fine. I gave Ab Al's stuff and that felt alright.

I may not be ok, but everything's going to be alright.

7/1/14

I feel like my conscious has been clouded, I don't even know how this day has passed. It was a good day, I laughed a lot, ran into my ex and felt nothing, I don't think I need to confront him about anally raping me while I was asleep that one night to move on with my life, I just felt.. nothing.

The day passed by and when I went to get my jacket from the theatre, he was sitting next to my count, I kinda wondered if it really was a coincidence, but I still felt nothing towards him, this is good.

I studied in the hospital all day, this is good.

I ran to therapy today because I was late, and then it happened. I just got in all sweaty and hyperventilating, I just started talking, and talking, and talking. what happened with my mom, what happened with my dad, what happened with Al, what happened with his friend, what happened on Monday when I saw her, what happened with my sudden confidence boost.


I was very angry, determined, I didn't give a shit about consequences, all I cared about is that I am invincible.

I talked about how I have to talk to my dad soon, even if they come here they can't come without me accepting their stay in writing for their visa, even if they stay in a hotel they can't yank me out of college, I seemed very powerful.

When she asked about Al I said that I'm fine as well, that he's going to miss me when I'm going, that I know he thinks I'm a catch. It's weird that she's a therapist and she's impartial and tells me about the stuff that I'm doing wrong, and she actually said that what his friend is doing sounds like jealousy when it comes to an outsider, as if she wants a relationship with him, but I explained that it's a mommy relationship, not a personal relationship, but she does strike as the kind of girl that wants to be the only girl in a group, she has 2 female friends in total, and she's always alone in class.
 She suggested everything I wanted, that I should confront her if it's still uncomfortable.

This all doesn't matter anyway, what matters is that I've never been like this in therapy, I really feel like I spaced out in that session and it was more of a subconscious vain demon inside of me, I still love myself, but what if this effects me that I stop loving people again.

There's a hot guy in class and I'm not interested in a relationship or anything, because I am content with being on my own, but I kept thinking that if I was ready, I'd totally get with him.

I feel like I just woke up from today and it was all a dream, I didn't cry in the session even when I talked about my family or the break up. I was emotionless in a way, irritated at points, but still emotionless.

I haven't cried since the day you left me, I plan on not crying at least until Saturday so it would a full week, then I'll work my way from there. I figured one week goals are better than one month when it comes to feelings, and I haven't been in any arguments since Saturday.

Maybe I miss.. feelings?

God, I really don't know what's up with me today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a normal day, although today wasn't out of the ordinary, I just feel detached from reality.

I feel like i'm dwelling in my own self gratification, and I'm kind of lost inside myself.

I haven't masturbated since we had that fight, today I masturbated just for the sake of it, I didn't even feel like it, I was just bored, it felt good. but again, this day was not who I am.

I just went through my entries, I like that I mentioned how I don't feel the need for boys when i'm studying back in the summer and that I wanted to journal more because it keeps me sane. I'm not doing it on purpose, it just happened.

Could this be my way of dealing with this break up? Detachment and fogginess of consciousness? I really do feel as if I am high, I'm kinda too happy for someone [like me] who just broke up with their partner. am i in denial? I'm fine, but I'm not

Vanity

I can't believe my body is what's getting me through my day.

 I'm so in love with myself, i'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

I check myself out more than often now because I'm very proud of my hard work at the gym
[which reminds me, I need to buy more thongs, thanks to my new self-obsession]

Usually my self-esteem drops after a break-up, but it just keeps escalating. and not just physically, I've been meditating thanks to a friend of mine, and I really love my soul.

I'm very flawed, I cry a lot, I can have a bad temper around certain people, I overthink.

BUT

I'm really hilarious and friendly, my political views are getting stronger, I'm very responsible when it comes to school and life, and my crooked smile lights up many lives, and I see the effect my smile has on the people around me. I give the best hugs and I'm very warm. Also, my dance skills have improved, last time I went out a girl I know came up to tell me how much she loves my dance moves.

Vanity? so be it.

I'm still the nice girl that's approachable, and that's all the matters.

The only real advice my father ever gave me is that I should always smile whenever I make eye contact.


I loved him, but I actually love myself even more,he's alright compared to me [Sorry, Babe. it's true]. Who would've thought I would ever feel this way.


Side note: I got my transcript today, I didn't do as bad as I thought I did in the past 4 years. Smile list, check!

Quotes - Female Chauvinistic pigs

"they put the friends they hang out with in a different, higher category than the women they have sex with"

"in high school, they're worried if they have a girlfriend that's not cool, and will their friends approve?"

"Bros before Hos"

"Bitches down, bros up"

- This Reminds me of you, it's nice to know where you're placed at someone's heart
[Which is probably nowhere]

"Her aspiration was for boys in general to make her their sole focus of appreciation"

6/1/14

Now, I can go back to my rambling. Yesterday was fine, I kept busy, went out with friends, ran errands. And today I woke up early and went to class. I thought it was a little sad and immature that she was with me in class and actively avoided our friends whenever I'm with them, she literally sat alone all day and would go with us on any of the lunch breaks, at first I felt bad and I wanted to to invite her, but when I saw the attitude and how she would only address my friends when I reach a distance from them, I've decided to let her have her own way and be alone, there was a lot of pride involved with her actions since we do have mutual friends, but that is her own choice. she wanted to have her alone time with Al, she got it. But my friends would not alternate days for her sake, and she will have to learn that the hard way, I actually felt relieved since now I don't have to worry about her and my time with Al and I know my friends would not cater to her needs, so now whatever I felt when I was with Al, I saw it being projected on her. I don't like being around such negativity and I don't know why someone would want to create such energy around her life, but again it's a choice. our friend asked me more than once why she wasn't talking to us, and I just kept it to myself. Knowing myself there's a chance I'll feel bad for her and try and talk to her next week, but I shouldn't initiate since I'm not the one with the issues. To be quite honest, I actually liked a few things about her, but it's shocking to know that a 26 year-old can be this childish.

Other than that, it was actually a good day. I've had a great ego boost as 2 people felt my arms in class, and one of the guys told me that my arms are very toned like Rachel from Friends, although her arms aren't as defined it was a huge compliment to hear that (it makes me sound douchey, but I'm not saying this to anyone but myself :p), and a few of the guys kept checking me out, normally I would be against these things, but it was nice knowing that I've accomplished a lot in almost 2 months (my gym and I's 2 month anniversary is next week) and that everyone was noticing. especially after the break u, it's good to feel empowered rather than defeated. and today I did feel strong.

I only saw him for about 10 seconds where I tried to avoid eye contact and then he said hello and I responded with a faint hello and a broken smile. I know I shouldn't been more casual, but I can't act like nothing happened between us. I think he glanced at me a few times in class, but my peripheral vision can fail me at times.

It wasn't really painful today, and I'm slowly getting rid of my withdrawal symptoms and being happy with my decision. He's a good boy, but he did do me wrong with his choices, and I know there will be a time where we'll talk again, if it's to get back together I have to be assertive and say no, because he's right, I shouldn't compromise when He didn't do the same, not even a little bit. I am a priority, that will always be the case, I won't tolerate otherwise. Also, he did say that I have come a long way (which always tears me up whenever I remember that sentence, because it true and very thoughtful of him to say) and letting someone control how I spend my time, is counter-productive to my blossoming.

And just like I got over my other ex's, This seems to be even easier.

It sucks that I had to miss out on what may be my only opportunity to a strap on, though. :)



Smile List:

1. Compliments.
2. Ab's granny's food.
3. Gay guy complimenting me at the gym.
4. Laughing with Al's friend Ry and not feeling awkward.
5. Hanging out with my friends at the mall.
6. Making conversation with a vegan [?] girl that was sitting alone.
7. VN-ing my old bestie Sal.
8. Checking myself out at the gym.
9. New necklace mom got me (i should talk to her soon)
10. preparing food for tomorrow, and packing my own lunch today.
11. the new shirt i bought, dirt cheap!
12. Running in the rain on my break and re-Hijabing from the lack of umbrellas as a joke.

Embracing menstruation

This is a bleeding vagina.

Just like any other woman. 

Every month we go through our menstrual cycles, and we bleed. 

It took me time to be comfortable with showing my partner my menstruating vagina, but now that I have broken that barrier, I am free. I used to have my doubts and discretions, and possibly thought that this is something unattractive that needs to be hidden, but now I understand that It is a beautiful part of life.

it is not disgusting.

it is not unsanitary.

 it is not to be hidden.

There is nothing to be ashamed of.

It is a woman's personal choice whether she would like to be more or less sexually active during her period, there is no judgement in abstaining, there is no judgement in participating either. Orgasms help with cramping and de-stressing, also it is empowering to be able to feel attractive during a state that is stigmatised by society and religion as "dirty".

Vaginas are beautiful, and bleeding is normal.

Embrace the female anatomy, men (and some women). Do not be intimidated by nature.

p.s: I love the smell of the enriched cervical mucus from my vagina when I'm bleeding. :)

4/1/14

it's over. it took a long time to get it over with, as it went from discussions, to crying, to laughter, to intimacy. I was indecisive when I was about to leave and I'm glad he didn't say let's get back together, he said he will always put his friends first, so if it's not her, it'll be someone else. I am very hurt and shocked by the fact that I was never a priority, because it means everything I used to doubt was true, I always come second in his life. like I said we ended it on good terms, I know he loves me, but now that it's sinking in, I'm starting to resent him for putting me second in his life, there was no point in us being together if that was the case, because there were many times when I should've been out with my friends but I chose to spend the night with him, and now I feel like I'm left alone and abandoned with no best friends, I know I am exaggerating because I do have a lot of friends, but all the friends that i'm super close with don't know about my drinking and sex life, and then all the people that do know about these things, they're either away like my roommate of my friends back home, or we're not that close, so i felt like he was the link between both, I feel bad for putting him first. maybe not first in a sense that i'd leave a friend for him coz that's just stupid and it annoys me that he kept bringing up not stopping her friendship for me, I had to constantly say that I never asked about that, she just needed to get that stick out of her ass and have no opinion of me, but that's too much.

I said a lot of things before I left, which showed strong emotions, that I now wish I hadn't, because I've been fluctuating between fine and happy about having my own life, to hurt about my a second option in his life. I shouldn't have told him that I loved him the most in my life, when he clearly doesn't, he did say that he loves me, but he loves his friends more, I honestly feel very cheap, it really does confirm my doubts about being replaceable.

Guys are pigs, although he did say that he loves me, if I am a second option I can't help but wonder what did he like about me other than my looks? even today there was subtle flirty moments and wanting to see my abs, what the hell? I'm so appalled by that sentence, I feel so small.

so, so small.

Why did I tell you that I see a future? I hate opening up.

I hate putting myself out there.

I hate falling for people.

I know I can do better in certain aspects, I can replace him at this very moment, I can form a mental list right now of everyone who would date me, but I don't really know how I can find someone that had the same qualities that he did, obviously I'm not looking for a copy, but it's a little rare to find guys that are ok with everything I do and want to do, guys who don't get jealous easily, guys would are not intimidated by a pink dildo.

I know I said the same about Ahm, and then I met someone else, but I still always have to compromise when guys never do (to be fair Ahm, did) just like Al didn't compromise today.

My roommate used to hate him coz he said mean things about me to her ex, I just worked silently to bring them closer, I told her how much he mattered to be until she accepted him, I didn't have to make a big fuss about how she doesn't like him, I just gave it time.

Fuck. This. Shit.

I hope I won't need to replace this emptiness with another boy, I hope I won't get into another relationship until I graduate. It's a shame that his mother liked me. It's a shame I won't have someone to provoke my thoughts when it comes to the situations I'm in, like he did today when he asked about my mom and how I need to talk to her again.

All I wanted was a friend, I tried so hard to not date him so that this wouldn't have to happen, nothing is the same after a break up, I don't think we'd ever have the ability to converse like we used to, I would always open up about my family in bed at night.

Such a waste to have fourth months of a proper relationship, combined with the 2 months of flirty friendships, for it to come to an end, over a girl. He keeps saying that she's not the reason why we're breaking up, it's how i'm reacting. Man, even Ab told me that he's being stupid about this situation.

I wish my roommate was back already, I really need a hug. other than Ab, I don't have anyone back in town I can trust to talk about this. Actually, now that I think about it, Ab and my roommate are the only people in town that I would talk this openly about it. my gay friend knows about our relationship and a lot of personal stuff, but I wouldn't want to talk to him about this. He's friends with the girl.

then again, Al doesn't talk to anyone about his dating problems, but I'm different. I really, really, really need a hug right now. I keep fluctuating and it's driving me crazy.

I'll try and clean the apartment and distract myself, Hus was supposed to come over and study with me, but he noticed that I didn't look too well at the gym, and told me that he wouldn't mind if I want to spend the night alone. How can I tell him that I actually do mind being alone right now, I just don't want to study.

I was going to delete Al's and messages so that I don't go through them, but I've decided to self discipline myself and not check his last seen or old messages. Which is pathetic because after our fight 2 nights ago, I stalked my ex for about 10min. I doubt I'll do it again, but I just hope I won't get self-destructive this semester. Like Al said, I have come a long way from last year emotionally, and part of me didn't want to be with Al as i told my therapist, because I wanted to prove to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, but I didn't want to hurt Al just to prove a point to myself.

I guess the universe has put me under the test.

Game on.


Edit: I just realised he's going to be in my class at noon on Monday, just my luck.. coz who needs time to process their feelings, We weren't together the whole time we were together, now we break up, I see him on one. thanks a lot, God.

3/1/14

finally started studying, Has is over to help me studies by studying whatever he's doing today. but i need to get this out of my chest.

had a bad morning, i couldn't shake off the shitty feeling of last night, couldn't blow off steam at the gym, so i called up Al to ask for a break so i could clear my thoughts, but then again it escalated. he said that it shouldn't be about placing blame on him and that if I'm not happy i should just say i'm not happy lets break up. so i did. i can't lie and say I'm not happy, and i can't lie and say he's not the reason I'm not happy. he still doesn't get it. i can't say that i don't care, i can't say that he didn't try and i wasn't stubborn and i said that i don't wanna fix things the next day, so i shouldn't feel hurt when he texted me that i should take my stuff today. i still didn't go coz i really wanted to study and i didn't want to be emotional when i get my stuff.

I talked to Ab about this and i kept asking for an impartial opinion, i was a little surprised because he said that he noticed that Al makes a lot of mistakes in his relationship and that his friend is making a big deal out of not liking me, or else why would Al separate else. which is true, if she really "doesn't get bothered by these things like me since she's not sensitive" why can't she handle being around me? I barely spend time with her for her to form an opinion about me, and i do find it childish and bitchy, as if she's claiming him as her best friend and i'm just the girlfriend. shda3wa you can't share him and you need to stay away from me, mara7 aklich. yet i'm the kid in the situation for getting mad.

I'm glad someone is on my side and thinks i shouldn't deal with this, however i'm not sure if i should meet him at the airport tomorrow to have one final talk face-to-face. since i'm not sure if doing it over the phone is the best way to end things, plus i really do need to take my stuff if this is it.

I can't believe that he does not give 2 shits about us breaking up, and that he's willing to let this all go, just because his friend doesn't want me around her precious space, i really do resent her now. she caused so much shit between us, yet i am the vilian.

I might just try to be the bigger person tomorrow, which is something very hard for me to do, after he already told me to take my stuff, i'm afraid that it'll make me look desperate. then again, i don't want my pride to get in the way.

lemme finish these 6 fucking pages then decide.


Edit:

I half assed them, but at least they're out of the way.

I want to go, because I don't want to be petty, and I should at least give him a chance for one last conversation about this before we end it, but I'm really worried I'm gonna be shut down at the airport. what if he just tells me: you've had your chance to talk, I'm not talking to you anymore. it'll just look like as if i was going to beg him to get back with me, which isn't the case. I just feel that I didn't give him a chance, I'm not really sure that I want to be in a relationship with him and have this fight over and over again. There is the relief of having that out of my way, but then there's this small part that feels.. bad. I feel like i'm going to become a demon in his eyes like last time, we wouldn't talk anymore, it'll just be awkward when we run into each other, avoid eye contact. what if when I start work on Monday and I see Mo I'll become weak and pathetic and start missing him to empty the space of Al? That dude is a total scumbag, and I would never get back with him after what he did, but what if seeing him when I know i'm not in a good place, would make me feel even worse, they say the best revenge is to be happy, but right now i'm not happy. I know break ups are tough, and Al is a good person, but the stress of this is too much, it's literally the only thing we keep arguing about over and over again, I don't remember the last time we had a problem when it comes to sex. Ugh, I'm so confused, pros and cons times.

Al-

Pros:

1. funny.
2. warm hug.
3. the first person to be able to hold me in bed and not let go.
4. supportive of my views on equality
5. supportive about the Hijab situation.
6. non-religious.
7. puts an effort when meeting people in my life.
8. I don't feel threatened by him, if I say the wrong thing it won't immediately lead to a break up like it was with Mo.
9. Compliant with his medication, which means he wants to improve himself.
10. his mom likes me
11. he liked Bambini
12. non-judgemental over any un-orthodox views I have, and my friends.

Cons:

1. jokes around when I'm angry to divert rather than fix the problem.
2. doesn't listen when I'm trying to talk and just answer with simple fix ups or analysis.
3. non healthy eating and smoking.
4. does not seem to want a future for the long run, makes me wonder why we're dating.
5. Does not admit when he's wrong, and always rationalises it, same way he rationalised why he talks to his ex, now it's the situation with his friend.
6. Divides time, when it shouldn't be divided in the first place.
7. not very nice around guys, mostly girls.
8. Can be douchey and not really spend time with me, like the day he left, he just spent the day playing video games when I only had a few hours before he went to see her.
9. makes me feel cheap when he does point 6 and 7, as if i'm a toy to play with, but not to communicate to or show in public, i feel like an embarrassment.
10. is cold when i'm mad, does not hug me or kiss me, his face is just blank and I have to get an "ok".
11. unmotivated with studying.
12. barely goes out with me, but goes out with his friends. back to point 9.
13. belittles my issues with my ex, and make them about him.
14. interrogating form of questions.
15. sometimes it feels like he's bored of my company after sex.
16. does not treat me the same way he treats me around his other friends when he's with her, he's more guarded with his emotions. we only kissed in front of her once.

I should sleep, so pros about breaking up with him, is that i don't have to deal with the cons, cons about breaking up with him, we may have been something, and I might miss him, I know that I won't self destruct over a boy, but I'm worried that I might end up self distracting, although the extra time, would give me more time studying, unless I start my cycle of getting with someone new because they're "better"

he says that rejection is part of life, I don't have a problem with that. what I do have a problem with, is telling me you love me, but not acting on a simple request of taking out that stick up her ass, I'm tired of being nice to people that are being a complete bitch about my existence. who gives a shit what you think of me, why can't you keep it to yourself? I'm not going to make you cry by existing in Al's life. Man, people need to get out of my business, I was right when I said that we should keep our relationship to ourself, everything was better when we were.

to try and brighten my fucked up post, here's the damn Smile list:

Talking to Ab in bed.
the skirt I wore today that almost fell coz it's a size bigger and i borrowed it from my roommate.
Hanging out with the boys.
15kg squat bar.
looking in the mirror after my work out.
low fat chocolate fro yo at the movies.
funny comments between Ab and I at the movie.
studying with H and watching that 70's show before studying.

good night, mind fucking meddling world.

2/1/14

4am, still didn't study. wasted a fucking day just arguing with Al. of course now that he's coming back we have to start fighting again. and of course it has to be about his friend not liking me.

god forbid i don't get reminded of this.

I counted to 10, i responded when he was nice, i went along with the sexts, but i'm so fucking angry. i tried to sleep but i keep tossing and turning with tears running down my cheeks. is it so hard for him to understand that i should be the priority and he should just be spending his day with me? is that so hard to ask?

it's been more than a month with us arguing over this, I hate the fact that something so stupid is getting to me, i didn't even wanna spend the whole day, i just wanna fucking study. i don't like the fact that a guy is making me feel this way, i'm not sure it's worth it. he's not a horrible person, he's really nice, but what's the point if I'm just going to be upset for the next year and a half over the exact same topic. he says i shouldn't let it bother me, but when he keeps pulling the shit he did today, like setting up a fucking schedule, it's hard for me to see past it. and you know what? the day he left, he did the exact same thing, and he didn't even spend time with me when said i could stay till 6:30 before he has to leave to his friends place.

I'm not the type to like to deal with break ups, and I feel that I am being too harsh on him, but why should I deal with this? sure, it'll suck when we first break up, it'll make the group dynamic shift and I won't get to see Ab much, but that also means that I'd be crying for a while, and then it'll stop. I can't believe i spent the past 5 hours crying about this? I don't want to deal with this anymore, I should be studying not weeping over a stupid argument, I hate my feelings and my sensitivity.

I could be with someone else that I don't have to worry about their friends not liking me.

I'm so fucking pissed right now, it is a big deal to me, and it is a deal breaker. I'll just sleep on it before I make a final decision.

I don't know if i should text him or do it in person. but if i do it in person id have to do it in the airport, that sounds cruel. then again, why should i stand this? this has been eating me up ever since I found out.

1/1/14

I spent the entire day laying in bed in aching pain, i've been joking about it, but it can be really hard being a female when you're menstruating, I had to hunch my back while walking up and down the stairs today because of my back ache. I'll start studying tonight out of guilt, but this slumming out has got me thinking of my Dad.

Once I tell him, this will change my life as a feminist, I know that I seem to be pre-occupied with the term. But politics and women rights are growing to be more and more important to me by the day. I won't be able to take a stand unless I face my greatest fear; my father. until then, I am a hypocrite, talking about how we should stand up against men, against inequality, what we believe in, when I haven't done it myself. I can't say that I haven't evolved, I have stood up against my family throughout the year, I still remember the day my brother confronted me about me religious views and I stood up from my seat, took off my Hijab and threw it on the floor. I also stopped talking to my brother for the past year and a half due to his issues with my Hijab. And I did stand up against my mother when she disrespected me and blew up on her last week on the phone, I wasn't disrespectful, but I said it more than once, I don't want to wear Hijab. I finally said it. We've been texting ever since, I don't think she's ready to call me back after that day, she's probably too scared to have any input on the matter, but that's ok. Because I myself need to learn to get my point across without hollering, Children aren't supposed to teach their parents about how to handle life and their self-worth, but I do feel that I should teach my mother about taking control of her life, not to say that there weren't a few things that she learnt through me, but I don't want her to believe that yelling will get her what she wants in life. I'm building my strength to face my demons.

My mother learnt to write notes to our family when in feuds, just like I did with my father when I once had a request about being an exchange student at the age of 16 but was too scared to ask, he denied it and said I was too young at the time, but at least I tried at the time. part of me wants to write him a letter about this, but another part knows that it would be better to face him or at least talk to him on the phone. I can't expect him to be happy, but this is a gateway to break the communication barrier that girls have with their fathers, I don't think I have any female friends that are close with their father, at least not arab once.

I need to do this before I preach anyone about empowerment, facing my parents is an empowerment of it's own.


Smile List:-

1. Although my whole body is aching, my abs are sore from yesterday's workout and 6 pack is finally showing, I started lifting weights since 12/11/13 so it's only been a month and a half and my body completey transformed, my arms are defined and my ass won't fit from the size increase. yes, i'm grateful for my ass.

2. I'm grateful knowing that I don't feel guilty not going to the gym today, I just miss it. it's been integrated in my life, so is clean eating, without feeling guilting about indulging every now and then like I did today.

3. Don't have much to smile about today since I'm in too much pain to do anything. - oh wait! I sent my boy a happy drunk text telling him how much I love being with my friends but he's a lovely compliment to my life, and he seemed very happy, he said he saved the message which meant a lot to me. the difference between my ex and my boyfriend, is that the ex is very exaggerative and hopeless romantic at first, then crashes you. but Al is very calm and poised, even when he texts, so when he does show emotional it comes straight from the heart, not that he usually doesn't, but he doesn't do the whole overly romantic overly attached boyfriend. which is something i really love, because I honestly was never a romantic person but I just get used to it with people and then get withdrawal when its yanked away. I love having someone that can make me laugh instead of flamboyantly expressing pre-mature emotions.

4. This didn't happen today, but Al's mother and mine, met. which I admit feels awkward, I'm not sure if they even liked one another since i'm not speaking to my own mother, but it made me smile knowing Al initiated and did not freak out over the thought, which he would have a year and a half ago. we've come a long way.

5. Happy that Al spoke to his father about his depression and current medications which have helped tremendously in his personal and academic life.

6. I'm happy that I'm now friends with Ab's best friend and that he's someone I can trust, he completely had my back on New years and made sure I was safe, he's a very respectable guy and has a clear understanding of boundaries. also it was super cute how we accidentally matched outfits. our photo is definitely going on my wall of fame. :)

It's actually been a very good new year, I love my friends, I love my boyfriend, I love my life and I'll get over my problems with my family in 2014.