31/1/14

Let's just hope i attend my final week and start studying.

He's been texting me lately, such a bad idea that will bite me in the ass later. I shouldn't be responding and I will regret this. I'm so worried that he's gonna keep texting and I'm just gonna get riled up instead of focusing on my studies.

He keeps saying that he's changing, as long as I don't meet him, this will relatively be kept under control.

pride, pride, pride, you need to walk with pride and not be shaken down by word of a boy. the boy who disrespected you and was horrible to you when he got drunk. horrible. humans have different sides, but you don't have to handle a side that's this ugly, no matter how sweet the other small side appears to be, it's only temporary. it's always when you first get back together, then prince charming always turns into a beast. keep that in mind. every single time, it's been like this. and you deserve so much better, you can do so much better.

It's easy to get back to your comfort zone, but there's 7 billion people in the world, there's bound to be one that's at least respectful to you.

Love is stupid. warmth is subjective.


get. it. together.

28/3/14

Yesterday was surreal. I actually attended, and the cute doctor was helpful and I did a few exams, we even got to talking afterwards and it turns out he's 23, damn son! He asked me about my age and when I told him that I'm turning 23 tomorrow he said he's gonna have to get me a present now, I'm not expecting one, but it did cheer me up. I then went shopping and got myself this tiny bag that I wanted last year that's back in stock, had lunch with friends, got home and studied a little but then went to bed. And then at midnight someone opens my bedroom door then closes it again, it was a little weird. But it turned out to be 5 of my friends surprising me. 2 of them got me cupcakes, then one of them came from her peripheral with her own cake, and then the other one got more and they ended up pushing me Into one of the cakes, which lead to a food fight. It was so spontaneous and I loved it! I was surprised that Ab didn't even text me, while the Ham situation is still debatable, because I know he probably wants me to celebrate on sat to make it to al's birthday today, which I'm not gonna lie upset me when his friend called me to invite me... I can't believe they wanted me to tag along to his birthday even tho we don't speak and on my date. God this group is dumb. I smoked up a little and then saw a text from Al. I hate him but it made me smile. It was the perfect thing to say, especially that I kept complaining to my friends that I want a birthday princess Tiara today so I could wear. Why does he have to be such an asshole, when we could've been happy together? I still believe It's this thing he does where he doesn't like stability and gets bored, also let's not forget that friends always come first to him. When he texted I was pretty high and decided to text him the lyrics to the song in the background of the living room. Perfect timing, I guess. We used to listen to it around dawn when we first met, and I was thinking of him when he texted. For all I know he could be texting coz he feels sorry for me, rather than love. But people need to stop feeling sorry for me, cos I'm gonna be fine eventually. Hopefully I'll study this weekend. And now I'm gonna go to class late, but It's better than not going. :)


6pm

I have to get ready, there's a million things to do and I just keep reading last night's text. I dunno why it makes me feel so harm yet so sad. He texted me a few times afterwards, but there's no point in talking or meeting. I'm proud of myself for being strong and not going out with him today, and he did apologise but it just hurts that people want to chase you down, just to screw things up once they have you. I'm pretty sure there's thing that I could've done better in this relationship, but I don't think I'm victimising myself when I say he fucked up and treated me badly.

Remember , as much as that text was sweet, this was the same person that grabbed your hair, and then discussed your sex life in front of people. Don't forget that and go soft.

23. Better get my shit together.

26/3/14

Didn't attend, all I got from her was a cold text, Al's friends called inviting me to his birthday on Friday to make it a "joint" birthday, clearly he doesnt know we don't speak, and it makes sense why our mutual friends said to have my birthday on Saturday "because they're on peripherals", it'a gonna be an amazing week.. even more reasons as to why I need to cut more people off, as Childish as it sounds. But this is just causing me more anxiety, making me feel lonelier this week.

posted from Bloggeroid

25/3/14

Another day spent in bed. another day with no studying. how am i going to pass?

I can't believe i'm turning 23 feeling like this.

Isn't it funny how one guy managed to fuck over so many girls? This isn't me victimising myself. I'm just thinking objectively of his past relationships and how they all screw up in school when they date him, maybe they were just depressed. And then he manages to pull through each time, because why should he care? So interesting how people chase you down, just to bring you down.


Edit:

12:58AM

That was a low blow. if me being honest and letting a friend know that they're messing up, causes them to shun me and not even bother to say goodbye to me when they leave, then i guess i've made another mistake with distinguishing real friends from party friends.
I can't believe she ignored me all this time and walked right past me when i wanted to give her a goodbye hug.
That's another person I've lost from my life, i suppose. And the list keeps going on, I'm afraid. Ab hasn't tried speaking to me since that day. I'm not sure if i like half of the people that are left in this circle, that's too broken to be a circle at this point anyway.

23/3/14

I had far sleep over so she'd make sure i wake up and shower. we went for breakfast and ran into old doggies on the street, it really did cheer me up. but here i am about to go to bed, and all i did when i went home is stay in bed and marathon a show. fuck me.

A few people have asked me about my "plans" for this friday. zero. i even attempted to make plans then didn't know who to invite, which made me anxious, which made me cancel the stupid idea.

I hope I attend tomorrow. Too bad that guy isn't coming in till Wednesday so I'd have someone to boost my ego, but i should keep in mind that the other doctor was pretty nice and hilarious and the nurse was adorable.

stay positive. you're doing great being single. start fucking studying.

Atleast I got my flag back on the wall, maybe I'll hang my clothes tomorrow aswell.

Oh, and taking a trip soon, if this all works out.


I just remembered something when i was supposed to sleep, i don't know if my friend was being drunk or sincere, but he was drunk the other day and said if he wasn't friends with Al, he'd totally date me and how attractive i am, then kissed me on the cheek. I didn't think of anything about it at the time, i was only thinking he was drunk and we totally forgot about it the next day, most likely because he was very drunk. I wonder if it ever was on his mind. but what was also fucked up, is that he said it's obvious and everyone can see that he has a major crush on his bestfriend, even though i disagreed and it doesn't even matter anymore, especially that i discussed it with her, but i guess i'm not the only person that feels that they do overstep the friendship boundary and he even said the exact sentence my therapist said "they're in a relationship without the sex" then he went on about why Al always tries to prove himself about me whenever she's around and whatnot. such a fucked up group, such a fucked up energy. Toxic.

23/3/14

I actually went to class yesterday, i left my phone at the door along with my runaway clock incase that doesn't work, left the house around 6:30 and arrived on time. I had a nice shirt and tight pants, and was feeling a bit nervous but trying to be optimistic. I talked to Bad about it the day before and he did say that this is a decision i need to be making on a daily basis, that yes i will get up. I ended up talking to the reg on my team to ask a few questions, nerdy but kinda cute and i could feel the "hot aura" that i was sending - even though i dont find myself attractive, but i know that i still am considered attractive, cause of his attitude - , he offered to help a lot, and was too kind, he even asked for my number incase i had to present, and sat me in a private room to teach me. it's nice getting attention. i kept making jokes about him falling for me all day to my friends. and to my surprise, he actually texted later on and asked me not to be formal with him, and that it's nice to meet someone like me. I had lunch with Bad and told him all about it, it really opened my eyes to certain thing.

I was settling, why is it that all the guys i dated aren't even that attractive? is it shallow? yes. but do you really think that if i was fat, these guys would've "loved" my personality? bullshit. I always go for personality, maybe Ah was the only one that i thought "oh wow" when I first met them, but Al and Mo were nowhere near me when it comes to looks, and I find a little insulting that they get to think that they can always get with hot girls when they were just lucky, as if there was something special about them. when the truth of the matter is, I always settle. why not wait for a full package? oh, he has a nice personality. why not someone that shares my same values of a healthy lifestyle? and why should i work out when they all have those beer belly's that aren't getting any smaller, and keep flaunting how good i look?

out of respect to myself and my body, i should not settle. there will always be guys that are interested, all i had to do today, is show up, and there was already one. I'm not saying i'm interested, but it's a good reminder, that all I have to do is wait.

I spent the rest of the day with Bad, he forced me to go out with him, we walked around town, went into a sex shop for laughs, then i took him to a desert place. he got so excited that he ordered not 1, not 2, but 4 deserts for us. and we just devoured all of it while laughing and sharing stupid family stories about table manners. we went back to his place and smoked a little with a few other friends, where i zoned out and watched a documentary about cults and made me think about the cult like features of Islam aswell.

Bad told me that Ab loves me and asked about me. I'm not sure how I should go from there.

I also got 2 early birthday gifts, a diamond necklace from mom and a perfume from my distant brother with a funny card that I appreciated.

As for today, I went to the hospital with Far to catch up, we had a good day at the hospital with the ER doctor who was hilarious and taught us how to insert IV's, and the nurse was adorable aswell, i stole some butter from the hospital kitchen and enjoyed my petty theft attempt, and told Far about my thug history and how fun stealing is - this is supposed to be a joke.. -. and when we got home we ended up devouring dinner and deserts like animals, and Far said she can never do this with a husband, so i told her she's found the one.. me. :)

20/3/14

Here's to another week where I only attended for one day. if he could just fuck off my life and stop texting, I'd have enough energy to attend. his texts themselves are a depressant, i keep getting angry, thinking how dare he text me after what he did to me? I left his money at college because I didn't want another reason for him to text me ever again. Whenever he texts it drains out all my energy and I don't have the ability to sleep at night. I just want him to disappear from my life. I'm even cutting out the "mutual" friends, that are more of his friends, rather than mine out of my life, to get some peace. I started with Ab, he hasn't been supportive lately, he probably didn't even talk to Al, like her said he would. And the fact that he wanted me to come to his friends birthday, when he knew Al was there and that he "wouldn't talk to me" wasn't a good indicator that they're looking for my best interest, they were more thinking of their own fun and entertainment. I even texted him directly asking for space, I didn't want to say that I'm cutting him out, incase he proves himself, but I most likely will. I don't want any relation with anyone that is still friends with that human being and hanging out with him and partying while I'm here stuck in my own darkness. Ham has been supportive and is affirming that I shouldn't go out with him or drink, but he's been out with him this week, so I'm not sure if I really will continue that friendship, even though he told me that they're not close friends. I'll see if I can have a talk with him and whether I should cut him out or not. Same goes to his best friend, there's no reason for us to keep talking, it was probably just based on Al's best interest, cause i haven't heard from her since we've officially broken up, so there's point in forming a fake friendship.

If they still find him decent person after everything that he did, and showed no support to what I've been going through in the past few weeks, I want nothing to do with any of them. I'm actually thinking of taking the rest of the semester off while they're thinking of their next party, I've had it. everyone's who's been calling and showing up at my door stays, the rest are not necessary.

18/3/14

Only accomplished the last 3 things from my to do list, but that's better than nothing. Also, I'm on the bus to class which feels like an accomplishment, even took the stairs down to try and get myself in the gym state. I'm gonna try and study during the day, appointment at 5:30pm, then maybe the gym and some cooking. I'm still not sure about the concert, I don't really know who I should go with mainly, and obviously I'm not going with him. I'm not sure if my old roommate would still want to go, she's been MIA for a while, especially after the talk we had with her, and I don't feel like initiating a convo. It feels a bit lame that I don't have anyone to go with, but it'll work out.

I'm still a bit anxious at the moment for being out, I notice that whenever someone bumps into me or so I always jump a little, probably coz I've been getting distracted and spacey easily.

I wonder if I should have a drink today, I'm worried that it might be the reason I got this depressed.

posted from Bloggeroid

17/3/14

the roller coaster of today. the anger and frustration of him contacting me after what he did, and acting all nice about inviting me to hang out with his friends, as if I need them. do i have no dignity that he expected me to show up in front of his friends after what he did to me? and how i "shouldn't be alone", for the past few days, my real friends were the ones who kept showing up at my door, just because i didn't want to go out, doesn't mean i have no friends.

I've been going through a detox list in my head with all the "friends" that I have, what most of these people care about is their fun. they do not give a shit about me. Even Ab, no shits given. if i had the weed and the parties, they would've all showed up. and Al's best friend, will remain his best friend, there's no need for me to chat with her about my feelings, we will not be friends, all that group, those "mutual friends" will always choose him, and are actually his friends and i'm the "gf" or the ex or whatever.

my people are here, and i'm going to get through this, i ended up having a good day with my roommate as she tried to cheer me up, she took me out and then we watched random shit together and talked. she kept asking me when we should start planning my birthday, but honestly, nobody's going to show up if i do so i won't. the people i'm close with are religious, and the people that drink are bullshit, there's probably only one or two. so that's just sad. I didn't wanna say that to her so i said i'll decide later. i know all my religious friends are going to do something, but the rest.. I'm pretty sure it's 3 people max.

Time to get rid of this toxic group that cares about nothing but parties. I need my own people, I've two new girlfriends anyway, so maybe that'll work out.

I'm glad my roommate was around today, she's very warm.

16/3/14

Depression. Can't even leave the house. Don't wanna.

And another thing, I don't really have any real friends. whenever I think of all these cliques and groups around me in college. what's my group? I went through a few people's profiles on Facebook, and it's all these groups of friends who have been together for years, and I got shit.

And when I think of most of the male friends I have, they're pussy's. they can't stand up for me, like what happened yesterday with my roommate, or how my ex treated me. nobody stood up for me. and the rest aren't really there for me.

Everyone is around for fun. nobody gives a fuck.

I can easily write a list right now of why 90% of my "friends" are bullshit. but i'm gonna set a goal for today, to get out of this rump.

1. finish all laundry
2. hang and fold clothes
3. fix bed
4. hoover apartment
5. print as much as i can
6. eat something
7. remove nailpolish
8. shower and curl hair

Smile List

it's been a while, so i'll just mention a few things about today.

1. peanut butter - RuPaul, i think that video made my day. boys should always twerk.
2. Bas's parents - cutest couple, and I got to crack jokes with them. they invited me to a resort in Paris next week, which I might consider. her dad asked me for a kiss, too cute!
3. Dancing infront of my friends over arabic music sober.
4. double orgasm, who needs a man when you got a vibrator.
5. a thousand words - An Eddie murphy movie: not that funny, B class acting, but I loved the message behind it. I think I should take up on that and try and speak less and rely on my actions.

Good night, lovely people.

14/3/14

So.. I attended one day in the past week, and left the house twice. Fuck me. I don't even feel like writing much, I just wanna stay in bed, like i did all week.

12/3/14

This reminded me of him. I wonder what goes through his head that makes him enjoy chasing me and expressing love, then turning to a cold creature. Even I'm confused by this mixture of hurt and longing.The good times were good, but if someone brings you down after momentary happiness, you gotta be strong and cut them off. It's probably just the equivalent of withdrawal symptoms rather that an emotional dilemma. I'm not trying to degrade what we had, I haven't been the one dragging him down in 2014, but he's just spinning out of control.

I still can't believe he discussed my sex life in front of his friends and made those prostitute jokes and me not empowering women. There's no such thing as a pure joke.

I feel like this song describes him and our dynamic. But I don't like the idea of having someone that's annoyed coz i bitch about them not giving me enough attention, I never want to be that person, I know there was a time where that was the case. but this wasn't the case this time (Bright side?)

Part of me will always love your curly fries, and miss your drunk noodles.

Just cut me out of your life, A. I'll still be your Casanova.

Wish List

just so that I don't forget

1. personal smoothie
2. wr.up Freddie jeans
3. Mobile
4. big dangling Earrings
5. statement necklace - michelle visage's WERK! i need it!!!!! I'm gonna ask my friends to get it for me, it's cheaper than BT shit anyway.
6. little pink or red dress
7. pumps

It sounds more of an errands list, but that'll do for now.

9/3/14

Nobody to blame but myself. I am putting myself in these situations even though I know he's not right for me, he keeps pulling me back and playing with my heart. I don't know how i'm supposed to continue this rotation i'm going crazy at the moment. fuck you B for putting yourself in this situation then complaining about a guy degrading you, he's doing it because he knows you're nothing but a little bitch that can easily give in. I need a proper game plan because i can't do this anymore and i cant be here. i'm suffocating, i need to leave this room, i need to leave this city, i need to leave everything. i can't. i'm really trying, but i can't. i want to die or disappear right now. there's no way about it, i need an escape, fuck this bullshit.

7/3/14

It really makes me happy seeing Ab and H getting closer and having them thank me for that. we went over to surprise him and had fun listening to music and dancing.  I wish I was that close with a friend here, but I'm still grateful for the friends I have around me these days. Fx2 are too sweet and funny and that's all that matters.

L texted me when I just got there about Al, I told her that she doesn't need to be sending messages because it's not her job and I know she feels awkward, I think it's a bad idea for us to talk, we are not friend material. Sure it would be perfect if we could bond over the upcoming concert we were supposed to go to and just be pals, but that's just a load of bull. us talking means I go through another emotional cycle.

focus. positives of today, B.

Finished season 3 of drag race, laid in bed with my roommate, had a laugh with the professors, danced in the car. You have positive things going on through your day, dream on this positivity, and nothing else.

Deep breath. Either forget about the hate, or face it. I think it's best if I try and forget it for now. Breathe.

6/3/14

"you are lying down next to me as i type this. THE SOUND OF THE KEYS tapping is probably really annoying you. I’m sorry. Actually I’m not. Regardless of how annoying i am, the fact that I’m next to you should b enough. a7ibich. uffffffffff a7ibich. br cranky bacher i don’t care. I will take care of you.

love,

A"

This was saved on my laptop from when he was drunk. Where did that sweet boy go? Maybe I was too blind with loneliness to see through his selfishness when he came that night, that it wasn't really about supporting me, but comforting himself and feeling loved.

Now he's just a coward that sends people to do his dirty little business, but I guess that's always been his thing, the old child syndrome. Not wanting to deal with anything negative and handling any responsibility but using humour as a camouflage. 

His bestie L asked me today if he could apologise to me, I thought that maybe he tried to contact me but I was ignoring, turns out he blocked me on FB which I shouldn't care about, but that does not seem like someone that wants to speak to me again. I didn't appreciate him asking her to send over his message, if you really cared, you would be able to handle the rejection whatever reaction I was going to give you, rather than send over someone so that your ego doesn't have to take a hit. And all he's going to do is say the magic word - sorry - and then his conscious is clear and he can go about this month partying with all his friends, while I'm stuck in my own head going crazy.

I'm sorry but why should it matter if this is eating him up, why should I cater to his needs? You don't just decide to clear your conscious two weeks later, while I have to deal with all these appointments, daily dispensing of treatment and constant monitoring by school and friends, yet I still feel hollow.

I know that I'm actually hurting from losing someone that I thought of so dearly, but talking will just bring me tears and add to the stress, he'll be nice for a week, make me live a fantasy. and then fuck me over. I just have to deal with one more day, then I'm never running into him for 5 weeks, which should be enough for him to forget my existence and move on to whatever he finds next, and enough time for me to be strong on me own. then it's just another two weeks of another rotation then I probably would never run into him again. As I type this, my heart clenches, part of me doesn't want this to happen, but it has to. This person does not want my best interest, for all I know, he secretly might want to destroy whatever shred of confidence I have. All he cared about is happiness, everyone else's happiness, and then maybe,, maybe mine.

stress. stress. exhaustion. stress.

Even happiness seems like a task at this point. Another day of being bubbly and social, I don't know if he was glancing at me, but I made sure there was no eye contact. I still can't handle eye contact. I was confident, I was fun, sang a few songs with my friends in the car - arabic to be more specific, weird I know - , then I'm in bed and... it feels like the day never existed and I'm just miserable.

Maybe this would pull me through.

If only Love was solid.
If only men weren't scum.

22:55 5/3/14

I need to take off your photos, I need to erase your memories. I don't know why I still can't do it, he's right there on my wall. I.. love him? Fuck this shit. I hate men, I don't care if it's considered splitting or not, but I'm so tired of feeling drained after a failed relationship, I've been in bed all day just contemplating death, going to class and being social and bubbly is draining the life out of me, I just want to disappear in this bed. I thought that maybe taking down his photos will hurry up the process, but I still didn't do it, a bit more time till I'm ready to erase him from my life. I am so mad at myself for feeling sad, I should only hate him and feel angry to make it easier, rather than feel empty and worthless over what happened. why couldn't it work it? I can't tell if i'm in a grieving process or obsessing about that night? It's not like it wasn't a big deal. It was. I keep remembering it when I go to bed, maybe it's Stockholm syndrome because I keep repeating what happened without being able to remember the good stuff about us, that I don't even know if what happened was a good memory or a bad memory. obviously from an objective perspective it was something horrible, but I'm so distorted at the moment that I don't know what I'm thinking of anymore. i haven't cum in about.. 3 weeks, at least? and the only time I tried I remembered him grabbing my head. maybe that's why I'm trying to replace that memory with Mo. I just need to take out my brain and scrub it down till I have no memory left. Reality is shit, I need my own fantasy.

--------------------------------------

I should probably try and stop listening to music. I've been listening to Miguel - Simple things. It aches my heart whenever it's played. I really just wanted simplicity and the comfort of a companion. I was never specific about looks, social status, wealth. I just wanted to laugh and be able to stare into someone's eyes. I may be thinking in a shallow way these days to try and get my mind off of it, and I know I've been writing all day, all night. if not here, any notebook I can get my hands on. Even when I'm distracting myself by being social, I went to two of my friend's places and all I can think of is that there's so many things I want to say but I don't want to tell them, so I just run to my laptop and start spamming myself. I'm sure I'll be "fine" 10 years from now, probably fucked up on a whole new level, I might turn out psychotic with the escalation of my life events, or I'm just going to end up a heartless Bitch who "has no time to date". And they'll all just be fine, with their trophy wives. Who really wants a personality at the end of the day? isn't that what gets me in trouble anyway? I mean, what a joke that the feminist guy I dated, ended up trying to force me into having oral sex with him, some fucking joke my life is. I need a joint for this shit.

5/3/14

It's mind boggling how after what Al did, I'm starting to remember the positive things that Mo has done to me, I know it's probably because I want to keep myself in the illusion of being wanted, because realistically speaking, they were both a piece of shit, and a few good moments here and there won't erase their wrongs. Just like with Al, was he always horrible? No. But what good does that make if he kicked me at my lowest point. I need to stop thinking about that day and get back to my point, which is reminiscing about Mo. I just kept remembering that day when I got in a car accident and he forced me to meet him and gave me the biggest hug, he was so freaked out even though it was minor, but the fact that I was crying made him worry sick, I remember my friend telling me how he kept chain smoking when he heard about it and was waiting anxiously. He sat me down and ordered nothing but deserts and didn't let me lift a finger, the large macaroons and the cheesecakes, and then ever since that he drove me everywhere. It was very adorable and romantic. never letting me open the door for myself and reaching out his hands so I could step out of the car like a princess. and then when he finally got back and I met him at the airport, we went straight to his place and he kicked everyone out and I spent time with his god while he changed then just carried me to his room and got me to cum for the first time. I had only recently learned how to cum that break, but I never came with anyone before, the look on his face when that happened was amazing, he didn't even let me touch him, he just kept going and going and going.
or that time in the shower where we were both high and I was so out of it that i started humming the mexican chicken dance or something like that while blowing him, when I got up to kiss him he just looked at me with his stoned eyes and asked "were you... humming what I think you were humming?" then I realized how spaced out I was and couldn't stop laughing. Al thought it was annoying when I hummed, although he said he missed it when we broke up. but I think it's hilarious how it all started, obviously I'm not going to tell him that happened out of respect, even if he doesn't deserve it.
each person has their good side and their bad side, even that prick Mo I remember the good side of him at times, but I see his good side as a separate person from the bad side, and when I run into him now I only see the person he is today.
it's like when I reminisce I don't see it as him, it's like I was with a distant character from a movie that does not exist anymore.
Same thing with Al, for now I don't have the ability to remember anything good about him, but I know in time I'll remember the good stuff as if they were another person, and not the selfish person he is today.
I almost lost it yesterday with him being in the same class as me, I was fine all day, but at the end of the day I started hyperventilation, sweating and feeling lightheaded. this gush of emotions just ran through me, like a flashback of everything that happened that last week, and I just had to leave the class. it's like PTSD, except that the thing I need to avoid, the trigger to my emotions, is him. I see his face and I remember the state I was in before I took the pills, what I was thinking of, how it felt to take them all in, the relief of awaiting death, the aftermath in the hospital and the side effects, how dirty I was and disgusting I smelt for the next day although I showered everyday, but I just kept sweating like crazy and the smell was strong from the drugs. I looked disgusting, my twitch was disgusting. so can he blame me for looking at him and feeling disgust? of course he'd blame me, it's always my fault. he doesn't have the nerve to tell me he's sorry but he has the ability to make it all about him. poor little Al that had a dramatic gf.

I hate love. I hate him. He cost me a best friend that I shouldn't have made in the first place. I don't have anyone that I really talk to about this openly, I haven't told my bestie Shay about this coz I don't want her to worry. my friends here don't know the full story coz they won't understand. and a therapist is paid to listen. This is all your fault. No, it's not my fault for being weak. It's your fault for being selfish. Ab thinks he was a dick but had to act fine, his best friend came to my door to tell me she's keeping him away from me and she won't make him come near me again. yet he's still going to find a way to complain and act like this is all my fault.

I hate this.

4/3/14

That sickening face, smiling and making conversations as if he never did anything, as if he never violated me. And I don't know if he was trying to look my way or if our eyes met by coincidence but all I could feel is utter disgust, I couldn't even give a fake smile, I wish I could punch him till I break those teeth so he wouldn't have to smile again, he doesn't deserve to smile after what he did. How someone do such a thing and live with themselves without regrets and not trying to make things right? What is this sick Fuck made of? I can't wait till the day I could spit on his grave. 10 years from now he'll be married to someone that knows nothing about what this bastard did, and like he did with his other ex's, he'll try and make it seem as if I was at fault in the relationship, or that I overreacted about him trying to shove his Dick down my throat by force. 7othala.

posted from Bloggeroid

Simple things

Good salad - Nandos
ice cream - parline and caramel
Cutie friend - Ab and Bad
funny movie - the green hornet
Hair curled - by Yass
Nails painted - hot pink
sexy outfit - white low cut top, tied at the end, blazer, tight purple pants, grey pumps
Big shades - round Beige rims

I'm not sure if these are simple things to other people, but they did make me smile. Even if it was a faint smile, even if I'm barely moving and still recovering, it's still something. My neighbour saw me going out to meet Ab for lunch and said I looked sexy but I need to give attitude if I look like this, it was funny and very uplifting. I don't usually wear low cut tops in daytime, it was pretty slutty for a lunch date, and I loved it. I bought this shirt for Al but now I'm wearing it for me, with my boobs showing slightly and super tight pants. I need to get back into feeling myself, I already lost about 4kg which I'm not sure how that's even possible. I'm actually 35.8kg now, my body still looks nice, but I don't think it's getting healthy and I don't want to lose my muscle weight. Hopefully with school tomorrow I'd have enough routine to go to the gym with Hus. I had to go to college today to meet with the counselor and my ex's best friend was there, I kinda wished he saw me too, I dunno, get some attention maybe. it's pretty sad that I wish Al could hear this song and I despise how ok he is and how i'm not ok. I think I'm thinking of and comparing my ex's as a withdrawal symptom of a relationship.

After you get used to having lots of attention (even though it was conditional), you need to find a balance in not having that amount of attention from one person.

I should've taken a photo today to remember that I can look nice and still be sad.

New resolution: take more photos with your loved ones, they're the only ones that truly care. remember the good times.

weakness

I despise feeling this way. This primal need of love. I have my friends around me, but it's hard never being one of those people that never felt utter love towards their family and having to find it in other people. Your family's love is a gift, I don't know why I can't feel it. I know they love me, but I can't feel it if I can't feel myself, that's why I fell for the subhumans in my past. It's a little hard for me to compare Mo and Al now that they kinda did the same thing. Always felt bad about not confronting Mo, maybe it was better than having Al not give a fuck about what he did and just giving me a sorry and we'll talk later, then there was no later. I can't believe he's making Mo look better.

Love is an illusion, Home is an illusion. I can't think of one person that loved me "unconditionally" without a time limit. Even the friends I had in the past, walked away over minuscule differences.

So what is the Answer, god, world, higher power or whatever is out there? My friend asked me to speak to god and I told her I stopped believing at the age 14, so I need me an answer. I need warmth, I need to be able to pick up the phone right now and sob, instead of crying here in front of a screen in secret.

This damn music keeps reviving feelings that stirring inside, it crushes me knowing I felt happy listening to these same songs and now I'm out here with nothing to hold onto to. I'm moving into my friend's place to feel a little safe, I'm not sure what could happen if I stay alone another night.

Why did he have to do this? Why couldn't we just be happy? Why didn't he just fix this? Why didn't he just save me? Obviously his answer to that would be: "you're an adult and you made an adult decision" or "Why are you afraid of me leaving you" "Do you need a man to be happy?"

And it's not that at all, it just seems whenever I try to make a male friend they just want to date me, I end up dating them thinking they're great friends, so why not lovers? Well, for starters lovers walk away. You should never make a best friend from a partner, cause when they're gone, when they violate you, not only are you left alone, but you're bruised and broken.

Who would've imagined that my best friend is going to force himself on me and then not own up to it.

Weak.

2/3/14

it's those stupid entertainers like Beyonce that ruin girls image and thinking, "Take all of me, i just wanna be the girl you like" why do you need to change and sell yourself for a man who's just going to enjoy your body? what kind of world do we live in where this is our priority?

Attention. plain and simple. not respect, not love, just animalistic attention.

all the problems going on due to poverty, and they're spending millions on music videos and movies to teach girls how to be submissive. liberation my ass. feminism my ass.