28/5/14

havent written in a long time, which is understandable since exams are soon. but ofcourse the one day i do write, it's about him. I'm too fucking angry, I feel like stabbing, I don't wanna see his face again, so i don't smash it.

and then he says that i'm getting him angry, as if he has the fucking right.

just so fucking hurtful and selfish. I've been so loving and needy as always, why can't i learn to be normal and not attach nor get affected by this bullshit.

The worst part is that my depression is acting up since i havent had any pills for a few days, and now they gave me 2 packets in one go, and I've been obsessing about it all day.


I need this year to fucking end

8/5/14

I'm finding my dreams to be more of a reality than my day to day life. I'm not sure if that makes sense, or if it's psychotic, but I keep wanting to go back to sleep to know what's going in my subconscious.

So far I've gotten into an argument with my best friend, started throwing my lectures and breaking stuff, only because she wouldn't explain something to me properly and was messing around when I was in a bad mode - which is totally something I would do.

I pretended to faint infront of my family members and face planted to make it more believable while believing it myself in a way, but nobody cared and I had to get up and go hide somewhere to cry.
My ex showed up at my birthday party infront of everyone with a lawyer sueing me.
He also showed up and parked at my house while another girl did to whom they were dating and she left some kids in her car while getting into his car, I made sure my parents found out to take care of the kids but they wouldn't care less what the girl was doing which angered me because I wanted them both punished, and I confronted them saying she's been inlove with him ever since she first laid eyes on him, and apparently he noticed her at his psychiatrists appointment which made them get into the relationship and that hurt my feels, she later on messaged me thanking me for introducing him to her but the message was all jumbeled.
I also was driving around my country and getting lost - like i usually do in the summer and it always gets me anxious - and then some kids helped me out, i ended up driving to Kaws place where I got into an accident for swerved too soon - something i'm always afraid of - and my breaks were crap, the guy came out and he's this chubby dude that's married and said he was in my school, I was yelling at my mom on the phone cause she kept interrupting me when i wanted to tell her about the accident.
And i was also trying to figure out how to meet my family at the airport, with or without hijab.

what's the result of all these random dreams? Missed a day of work, missed my psychiatrist appointment and I'm still in bed, being anxious and angry about some fucking dreams that aren't even real.

Maybe I am being psychotic.

25/4/14

I am going out of mind mind. Hoodie Allen acoustic songs in the background, in this dark bedroom and the window open to get some air. the temperature keeps raising and I am more agitated and hopeless by the day. on one said there's him just being a child, being nice, asking me out, being mean. Dude, if you wish you had never met me, why are you adding to the pressure I'm under? Why can't guys be nice for the sake of being nice to me and enjoying my company, it just has to be a relationship. just like that dumbass doctor, if i reject you, stop being nice to ask me out over, and over again.

And then those "friends" that come and complain that I cut them off, while they're hanging out with him when in town instead of me. Childish? I remember back when my ex cheated on me and my best friend gave out to him and lost respect for him after what he's done, he didn't punch him in the face, but i really respected that. so stop bitching.

I want to think of the happy times, and focus on that. Like date night with my bestie a few days ago where she was very spontaneous and took me out to the beach all dressed up for Lobster where we pretended to be fancy. or dancing with Stelios parents while taking shots of lemon liquor. having a whole break from my actual vacation to lay down with shay in bed and talk about life.


This shithole of a place is sucking me dry. I mean, what am I supposed to do with my parents situation? I have to go back home at some point and face my issues. is this what Karma is? me thinking of my own happiness in the beginning of the year is also the cause of my anxiety? but i have been stressed every time i go back home and having to put on the headscarf again. how can i make things fine? and when am i gonna start studying for my finals. what about elective? why the fuck am i not in the gym?
I sleep, wake up, lay in bed, sleep and the cycle goes on. Also there's the occasional food that i have no appetite for. watching all those dumbass shows instead of reading all those novels i've got. haven't seen my therapist in ages. i just feel stuck. i know what i'm supposed to do, i just need to fucking do it.


"We should take a walk someday, dream about what could've been"

I should've really smoked up a little today, i'm technically a stoner without the drugs.

I cannot do this. I need me a drink.

23/4/14

I Have no idea why i got so nervous leaving the house today. i felt relaxed when he wasnt in class. then when he walked in i got nervous again. part of me wanted to text him today, but i told myself it's for the best. we could've been happy, but so would every relationship in the world if it was a good fit.

just because you miss someone, just because it hurts, it does not mean you should fight for it.

and I hate that he wore that hoodie. i have nobody to watch that show with anymore.

part of me wanted him to text me today, but i'm glad he didn't because his happiness is important aswell.


I miss having someone put their hands on my back, cuddling, being boring in bed together.

20/8/14

"Home" started playing on 8tracks.com. it made me remember the time when we first met.

people really do change.

So many things happened in the past 24 hours, Al wasn't at the airport, which was a relief in a way, yet a reality check, that this is happening all over again.

Oh, the dancing with my Greek friends parents last night, seeing what true love is all about. Beautiful. especially how i was sent off to the airport. 

18/4/14

i've been contemplating why i'm talking to Al this week, especially that he's a major reason to why i'm taking the break. he's just dragging my spirit and going way off with the travel plans and hanging out, even if it is charming, it did show a sort of impulsive that is alarming. because we could break up on an impulse aswell. last night we had an argument and i couldn't enjoy my night out with the girls, i noticed after 3 shots i did start to loosen up and dance, but then the anger showed up again and i ended up talking to him and arguing and crying, it wasn't as dramatic as before, but it still wasn't a way to spend the holidays. i noticed how temporary my happiness was with alcohol and that i needed more to keep up with it, but i controlled myself because that's a slippery slope i shouldn't go through.

I told him not to speak to me again and it seems that whatever this week was has finally ended, the only problem is, although we broke up 6 weeks ago, having to say it again feels like another break up that starts the grieving process all over again. i hate this. i shouldn't be feeling down. but that's what he always does. get under my skin then disappear on an on and off basis, this doesn't mean that i want him back, but why couldnt he just stay away after the break up so i can properly get over him. talking back and forth about how we can be together is only messing with my emotions. if it's over i need it to be properly over.

in 24 hours i'll be packing my stuff back home, this isn't how i'm supposed to end my vacation. this is not the clarity i had hoped for.

damn you and your mind games. and at the end of the day yes, you will have your friends to support you even if you were momentarily alone, and i'll still be fucked in the head. and yes i know this is more of a chase to him than true love, which also isn't healthy for my sanity. and yes there's a chance you're gonna try and find this blog again and read all of this, but fuck it, you hurt me, karma needs to hurt you back.

Men are disgusting and drain the life out of you.

14/4/14

the amount of fuckery of the past two nights was unbelievable, and then he gives me an LOL and an OK as if im exaggerating.
i'm glad im not in the same fucking country, managed to have a great day without the phone around me and meeting new people,
talking about marriage. men and their bullshit to get back with a girl. i didnt even give him a chance and he still managed to get into my head and mess up my self confidence about not finding anyone that would have the same "lifestyle" i want. it's making me question his past relationship and if that's why it was so on and off.
fuck this, good night.

8/4/14

I almost asked for Al's help today, i need to be yanked out of bed and forced to study. his mom talked to me a few days ago, i wonder if he asked her to.

but i was worried it might get messy if i stay with him for a bit, i dont want anything sexual, i just need someone to take care of me really.

6/4/14

I wish I had him right now. I feel like shit, so much shit. I need a hug, I need cuddles, I need him to play with my hair, I need someone to playfully pus me into studying. Fuck you, Al. you ruined everything.

Fuck you, family.
Fuck you, med school.
Fuck you, friends.
Fuck you, society.
Fuck you, religion.
Fuck you, sex.
Fuck you, drugs.

Just love me. Love me for who I am. Love me for my flaws. Why does there have to be fights?

5/4/14

exams in a few days, gonna start studying today, we'll see how that goes.

went to a house party with my roommate last night, it started off awkward and as i didn't know anyone there, but then i loosened up, sang, danced, talked. even ended up talking politics all night with this Arab guy with fro, it was very interesting and i wasn't sure if there were chemistry or not. he asked if he'll ever see me again, and i said that we'll see. he was pretty cute and wasn't too forward, we didn't dance or do anything, but at the end of the night his friend came along and he was like: "i'm talking to you all night, but what was your name again?" I gave him my death stare, then he laughed, grabbed my hand and said B. he gave me a warm hug and left. I'm not sure how old he is coz he thought i was doing my PhD and when i told him i'm only 23, he was a little shocked and said: "oh, wow. you're young'. A lebanese guy grabbed my hand at some point and started Salsa dancing with me, he was pretty attractive, but i didn't get a chance to learn his name, coz we had to leave. There were also 4 girls that were pretty awesome, one lived in Australia, one was just hilarious and kept taking photos of me and Fro dude while we talked, one was the typical white girl whom i gave some life lessons, she said we'll hook up later, im hoping she means hang out.. and then was one who's originally from Tunisia and lives in Sweden, i played an Arab song for her and we belly danced together. and also those two guys who were friends with my roommate, they came over for an afterparty and were pretty hilarious.

It really cheered me up meeting people that weren't from college for one. especially that earlier in the day i was feeling horrible about my situation with Al..

3/4/14

ok, so the doctor kinda asked me out. he literally just texted about going to a movie. i'm not sure how i feel about this. it's been pretty crazy with Al, all those texts and pleads. i emailed him about stuff he should be doing for the next month before he's allowed to speak to me. At the same time, i miss sex. i miss dick. I've been very horny lately, i want someone to grab me from my hair and kiss me hard. But even if Al changes, I'm not sure I can be sexual with him after than drunken night. The next month will prove to me if this is it between us.

As for the other dude, i don't think i'm really into him, but I like the attention, it's not too much or in my face, but i can tell he likes me. He's known me for about a month now and all he could come up with is if there's any good movies around.

Meh, i should be studying, rather than thinking of boys. man, this must be how guys feel like all the time. damn you, pussy.

31/1/14

Let's just hope i attend my final week and start studying.

He's been texting me lately, such a bad idea that will bite me in the ass later. I shouldn't be responding and I will regret this. I'm so worried that he's gonna keep texting and I'm just gonna get riled up instead of focusing on my studies.

He keeps saying that he's changing, as long as I don't meet him, this will relatively be kept under control.

pride, pride, pride, you need to walk with pride and not be shaken down by word of a boy. the boy who disrespected you and was horrible to you when he got drunk. horrible. humans have different sides, but you don't have to handle a side that's this ugly, no matter how sweet the other small side appears to be, it's only temporary. it's always when you first get back together, then prince charming always turns into a beast. keep that in mind. every single time, it's been like this. and you deserve so much better, you can do so much better.

It's easy to get back to your comfort zone, but there's 7 billion people in the world, there's bound to be one that's at least respectful to you.

Love is stupid. warmth is subjective.


get. it. together.

28/3/14

Yesterday was surreal. I actually attended, and the cute doctor was helpful and I did a few exams, we even got to talking afterwards and it turns out he's 23, damn son! He asked me about my age and when I told him that I'm turning 23 tomorrow he said he's gonna have to get me a present now, I'm not expecting one, but it did cheer me up. I then went shopping and got myself this tiny bag that I wanted last year that's back in stock, had lunch with friends, got home and studied a little but then went to bed. And then at midnight someone opens my bedroom door then closes it again, it was a little weird. But it turned out to be 5 of my friends surprising me. 2 of them got me cupcakes, then one of them came from her peripheral with her own cake, and then the other one got more and they ended up pushing me Into one of the cakes, which lead to a food fight. It was so spontaneous and I loved it! I was surprised that Ab didn't even text me, while the Ham situation is still debatable, because I know he probably wants me to celebrate on sat to make it to al's birthday today, which I'm not gonna lie upset me when his friend called me to invite me... I can't believe they wanted me to tag along to his birthday even tho we don't speak and on my date. God this group is dumb. I smoked up a little and then saw a text from Al. I hate him but it made me smile. It was the perfect thing to say, especially that I kept complaining to my friends that I want a birthday princess Tiara today so I could wear. Why does he have to be such an asshole, when we could've been happy together? I still believe It's this thing he does where he doesn't like stability and gets bored, also let's not forget that friends always come first to him. When he texted I was pretty high and decided to text him the lyrics to the song in the background of the living room. Perfect timing, I guess. We used to listen to it around dawn when we first met, and I was thinking of him when he texted. For all I know he could be texting coz he feels sorry for me, rather than love. But people need to stop feeling sorry for me, cos I'm gonna be fine eventually. Hopefully I'll study this weekend. And now I'm gonna go to class late, but It's better than not going. :)


6pm

I have to get ready, there's a million things to do and I just keep reading last night's text. I dunno why it makes me feel so harm yet so sad. He texted me a few times afterwards, but there's no point in talking or meeting. I'm proud of myself for being strong and not going out with him today, and he did apologise but it just hurts that people want to chase you down, just to screw things up once they have you. I'm pretty sure there's thing that I could've done better in this relationship, but I don't think I'm victimising myself when I say he fucked up and treated me badly.

Remember , as much as that text was sweet, this was the same person that grabbed your hair, and then discussed your sex life in front of people. Don't forget that and go soft.

23. Better get my shit together.

26/3/14

Didn't attend, all I got from her was a cold text, Al's friends called inviting me to his birthday on Friday to make it a "joint" birthday, clearly he doesnt know we don't speak, and it makes sense why our mutual friends said to have my birthday on Saturday "because they're on peripherals", it'a gonna be an amazing week.. even more reasons as to why I need to cut more people off, as Childish as it sounds. But this is just causing me more anxiety, making me feel lonelier this week.

posted from Bloggeroid

25/3/14

Another day spent in bed. another day with no studying. how am i going to pass?

I can't believe i'm turning 23 feeling like this.

Isn't it funny how one guy managed to fuck over so many girls? This isn't me victimising myself. I'm just thinking objectively of his past relationships and how they all screw up in school when they date him, maybe they were just depressed. And then he manages to pull through each time, because why should he care? So interesting how people chase you down, just to bring you down.


Edit:

12:58AM

That was a low blow. if me being honest and letting a friend know that they're messing up, causes them to shun me and not even bother to say goodbye to me when they leave, then i guess i've made another mistake with distinguishing real friends from party friends.
I can't believe she ignored me all this time and walked right past me when i wanted to give her a goodbye hug.
That's another person I've lost from my life, i suppose. And the list keeps going on, I'm afraid. Ab hasn't tried speaking to me since that day. I'm not sure if i like half of the people that are left in this circle, that's too broken to be a circle at this point anyway.

23/3/14

I had far sleep over so she'd make sure i wake up and shower. we went for breakfast and ran into old doggies on the street, it really did cheer me up. but here i am about to go to bed, and all i did when i went home is stay in bed and marathon a show. fuck me.

A few people have asked me about my "plans" for this friday. zero. i even attempted to make plans then didn't know who to invite, which made me anxious, which made me cancel the stupid idea.

I hope I attend tomorrow. Too bad that guy isn't coming in till Wednesday so I'd have someone to boost my ego, but i should keep in mind that the other doctor was pretty nice and hilarious and the nurse was adorable.

stay positive. you're doing great being single. start fucking studying.

Atleast I got my flag back on the wall, maybe I'll hang my clothes tomorrow aswell.

Oh, and taking a trip soon, if this all works out.


I just remembered something when i was supposed to sleep, i don't know if my friend was being drunk or sincere, but he was drunk the other day and said if he wasn't friends with Al, he'd totally date me and how attractive i am, then kissed me on the cheek. I didn't think of anything about it at the time, i was only thinking he was drunk and we totally forgot about it the next day, most likely because he was very drunk. I wonder if it ever was on his mind. but what was also fucked up, is that he said it's obvious and everyone can see that he has a major crush on his bestfriend, even though i disagreed and it doesn't even matter anymore, especially that i discussed it with her, but i guess i'm not the only person that feels that they do overstep the friendship boundary and he even said the exact sentence my therapist said "they're in a relationship without the sex" then he went on about why Al always tries to prove himself about me whenever she's around and whatnot. such a fucked up group, such a fucked up energy. Toxic.

23/3/14

I actually went to class yesterday, i left my phone at the door along with my runaway clock incase that doesn't work, left the house around 6:30 and arrived on time. I had a nice shirt and tight pants, and was feeling a bit nervous but trying to be optimistic. I talked to Bad about it the day before and he did say that this is a decision i need to be making on a daily basis, that yes i will get up. I ended up talking to the reg on my team to ask a few questions, nerdy but kinda cute and i could feel the "hot aura" that i was sending - even though i dont find myself attractive, but i know that i still am considered attractive, cause of his attitude - , he offered to help a lot, and was too kind, he even asked for my number incase i had to present, and sat me in a private room to teach me. it's nice getting attention. i kept making jokes about him falling for me all day to my friends. and to my surprise, he actually texted later on and asked me not to be formal with him, and that it's nice to meet someone like me. I had lunch with Bad and told him all about it, it really opened my eyes to certain thing.

I was settling, why is it that all the guys i dated aren't even that attractive? is it shallow? yes. but do you really think that if i was fat, these guys would've "loved" my personality? bullshit. I always go for personality, maybe Ah was the only one that i thought "oh wow" when I first met them, but Al and Mo were nowhere near me when it comes to looks, and I find a little insulting that they get to think that they can always get with hot girls when they were just lucky, as if there was something special about them. when the truth of the matter is, I always settle. why not wait for a full package? oh, he has a nice personality. why not someone that shares my same values of a healthy lifestyle? and why should i work out when they all have those beer belly's that aren't getting any smaller, and keep flaunting how good i look?

out of respect to myself and my body, i should not settle. there will always be guys that are interested, all i had to do today, is show up, and there was already one. I'm not saying i'm interested, but it's a good reminder, that all I have to do is wait.

I spent the rest of the day with Bad, he forced me to go out with him, we walked around town, went into a sex shop for laughs, then i took him to a desert place. he got so excited that he ordered not 1, not 2, but 4 deserts for us. and we just devoured all of it while laughing and sharing stupid family stories about table manners. we went back to his place and smoked a little with a few other friends, where i zoned out and watched a documentary about cults and made me think about the cult like features of Islam aswell.

Bad told me that Ab loves me and asked about me. I'm not sure how I should go from there.

I also got 2 early birthday gifts, a diamond necklace from mom and a perfume from my distant brother with a funny card that I appreciated.

As for today, I went to the hospital with Far to catch up, we had a good day at the hospital with the ER doctor who was hilarious and taught us how to insert IV's, and the nurse was adorable aswell, i stole some butter from the hospital kitchen and enjoyed my petty theft attempt, and told Far about my thug history and how fun stealing is - this is supposed to be a joke.. -. and when we got home we ended up devouring dinner and deserts like animals, and Far said she can never do this with a husband, so i told her she's found the one.. me. :)

20/3/14

Here's to another week where I only attended for one day. if he could just fuck off my life and stop texting, I'd have enough energy to attend. his texts themselves are a depressant, i keep getting angry, thinking how dare he text me after what he did to me? I left his money at college because I didn't want another reason for him to text me ever again. Whenever he texts it drains out all my energy and I don't have the ability to sleep at night. I just want him to disappear from my life. I'm even cutting out the "mutual" friends, that are more of his friends, rather than mine out of my life, to get some peace. I started with Ab, he hasn't been supportive lately, he probably didn't even talk to Al, like her said he would. And the fact that he wanted me to come to his friends birthday, when he knew Al was there and that he "wouldn't talk to me" wasn't a good indicator that they're looking for my best interest, they were more thinking of their own fun and entertainment. I even texted him directly asking for space, I didn't want to say that I'm cutting him out, incase he proves himself, but I most likely will. I don't want any relation with anyone that is still friends with that human being and hanging out with him and partying while I'm here stuck in my own darkness. Ham has been supportive and is affirming that I shouldn't go out with him or drink, but he's been out with him this week, so I'm not sure if I really will continue that friendship, even though he told me that they're not close friends. I'll see if I can have a talk with him and whether I should cut him out or not. Same goes to his best friend, there's no reason for us to keep talking, it was probably just based on Al's best interest, cause i haven't heard from her since we've officially broken up, so there's point in forming a fake friendship.

If they still find him decent person after everything that he did, and showed no support to what I've been going through in the past few weeks, I want nothing to do with any of them. I'm actually thinking of taking the rest of the semester off while they're thinking of their next party, I've had it. everyone's who's been calling and showing up at my door stays, the rest are not necessary.

18/3/14

Only accomplished the last 3 things from my to do list, but that's better than nothing. Also, I'm on the bus to class which feels like an accomplishment, even took the stairs down to try and get myself in the gym state. I'm gonna try and study during the day, appointment at 5:30pm, then maybe the gym and some cooking. I'm still not sure about the concert, I don't really know who I should go with mainly, and obviously I'm not going with him. I'm not sure if my old roommate would still want to go, she's been MIA for a while, especially after the talk we had with her, and I don't feel like initiating a convo. It feels a bit lame that I don't have anyone to go with, but it'll work out.

I'm still a bit anxious at the moment for being out, I notice that whenever someone bumps into me or so I always jump a little, probably coz I've been getting distracted and spacey easily.

I wonder if I should have a drink today, I'm worried that it might be the reason I got this depressed.

posted from Bloggeroid

17/3/14

the roller coaster of today. the anger and frustration of him contacting me after what he did, and acting all nice about inviting me to hang out with his friends, as if I need them. do i have no dignity that he expected me to show up in front of his friends after what he did to me? and how i "shouldn't be alone", for the past few days, my real friends were the ones who kept showing up at my door, just because i didn't want to go out, doesn't mean i have no friends.

I've been going through a detox list in my head with all the "friends" that I have, what most of these people care about is their fun. they do not give a shit about me. Even Ab, no shits given. if i had the weed and the parties, they would've all showed up. and Al's best friend, will remain his best friend, there's no need for me to chat with her about my feelings, we will not be friends, all that group, those "mutual friends" will always choose him, and are actually his friends and i'm the "gf" or the ex or whatever.

my people are here, and i'm going to get through this, i ended up having a good day with my roommate as she tried to cheer me up, she took me out and then we watched random shit together and talked. she kept asking me when we should start planning my birthday, but honestly, nobody's going to show up if i do so i won't. the people i'm close with are religious, and the people that drink are bullshit, there's probably only one or two. so that's just sad. I didn't wanna say that to her so i said i'll decide later. i know all my religious friends are going to do something, but the rest.. I'm pretty sure it's 3 people max.

Time to get rid of this toxic group that cares about nothing but parties. I need my own people, I've two new girlfriends anyway, so maybe that'll work out.

I'm glad my roommate was around today, she's very warm.