New years resulotion

1.  read the 16 books I have (14 more would be a plus) - including Al's books.
2. swim.
3. get over arachnophobia
4. talk to dad about Hijab
5. count to 10 when angry
6. anger management star chart with Al
7. take step 1 (May), step 2 (no date set)
8. Summer electives, research
9. publish jc3 paper
10. Subi, elective in the states
11. sky dive
12. marathon training
13. learn to play guitar
14. stop frowning
15. stop crying in conversations.
16. lower voice when talking
17. Bike in Phoenix park
18. Don't get back with Al, you are more than an option for tapping.

30/12/13

I should be studying right now, I have 17 pages to finish biochem, I'm a day late on my schedule, but hopefully I'll be able to finish those pages tonight.

Now, what I have been doing for the past night and ever since I woke up is watch a show called Awkward.

It's funny because she has a blog swell and has "boy trouble", the difference is that when I first started blogging, it was to retaliate on over my ex boyfriend's mean blog about me, also it was to express my feelings without anyone finding my diary, like my brother has in the past.

The reason why I'm writing today, is because the girl on the show is so pre-occupied with boys, that she's jumping from one boy to another. I said that to my therapist once, that I haven't been alone for a long time, and when Al mentioned that the other day I got upset (although I have once said it myself), part of it is because I am stubborn and I like winning fights. another part is, other than A****, I didn't pursue the relationships I was in, they pursued me. F**** chased me for a year, then I had a major crush on Ahmed, and we just happened to be together for 2 years, and then when Mo came along, I just got out of a break-up and he was head over heels for me, and we were on and off for about a year and a half, same way Al was with his ex. and then I met Al. 5 months later and spent the whole summer, if not the entire relationship telling him we can just be friends. I finally realised that it's not that I really need to be in a relationship, I just like having close friendships where the people care about me a lot, but it's hard for me to make friends with girls to begin with - not that I don't want to, they just happen to be dispersed across the country, and there's not that many options in this country - , and most guys wouldn't be that close with a girl if they weren't in a relationship. I really do wish I could meet more girlfriends here, because I've noticed that I'm completely fine with Christmas without Al, I'm actually happy he's not around so I could focus on what I want and my own friends. I don't want to end up like that girl on the show, where a guy's approval is important and I would put him over my friends. Because I don't put Al in front of my friends, but I do spend most of my weekends with him, because he lives pretty far from me and it's hard to make plans when you're on that side of town, too much commuting. one of my new years resolutions will probably be having a talk with Al about spending less time, because I really am enjoying my space, and not having a boy always around. and he should probably come over more often so I wouldn't cut back on my gym schedules, which tends to happen sometimes when I'm over.

I can honestly say that I don't need a guy in my life, it's just nice to feel the warmth. but I can't say I handle rejection lightly, mainly because it's been a while so i can't really test it out. but I do remember that when I do go through break ups (contrary to what Al thinks) I end up being more productive, the only problem is that with Mo, the break ups were very brutal, it would've been better if they didn't end up like that. I'm a little worried about the drama over him being in the same hospital as me next semester because my friends are in his group and they'll be there. Let's just hope he doesn't pull another stunt and get past what happened, because I now realise that it doesn't matter if someone doesn't want to be with you, there's so many people that do, and even so, having your friends around is more than enough.

I love being productive, I love being lazy, I love being a gym freak, and I love being away from my boyfriend this Christmas to realise all of this. Not that I don't enjoy his company, but I knew that he assumed I would be miserable here without him. I won't say that I wasn't miserable at first because of my mom and her reaction, but that's a different issue.

Which reminds me, my father called the other day and asked if i was ok because i'm pretty sure my mom told him about my outburst, while leaving out the Hijab part of course, but I'm now wondering if it was smart of me not to say anything, i'm contemplating whether I should write him a letter and get one of my friends at home, give it to him. We"ll see how that turns out. This is way too stressful.

21/12/13

i wanted to make sure that no matter what, this night i won't argue. yet it happened. got my hair done, danced all night, no problems, wanted to go have sex before my boyfriend leaves. but it just had to happen.

when i think about it, i'm fine as soon as he left, and right now i am fine. maybe it's because i don't like spending too much time with him, maybe i get annoyed by the criticism when it's in a big dose. i already know my flaws, i don't need to be reminded of them every second of everyday. he has so many flaws, so many stupid things that he should stop doing, but do i say anything? no. i don't like where our argument led to. i don't like what i heard when he was drunk, i don't like that he has to be "careful" around me. that's not fine, i've been in honest relationships before, and i never felt judged, but he does it in a way that's just... judgemental. there's a difference between constructive criticism and when you feel like you're just an annoying person. i'm not sure this relationship is going to last after today, i'm not sure if i want it to last, because i realised in the past 2 weeks, this isn't going anywhere, he's going to deny it if i confront him, which frankly i don't have the energy to do, but from the way that he talks about me, we're never getting married. so, i'm not sure what the point is in being attached to someone i'm definitely leaving. i'm not saying that i'm ready for marriage, but when it's not even an option, why are we doing this? maybe that's what's sparking up my anger when i'm drunk, or that everyone is leaving but me.

too drained out to really care.

18/12/13

I had the weirdest dream last night.

this girl was in my room and i wanted to sleep with her. i liked the kissing and the second base action, but when she took off her underwear, i was really disgusted by hair hairy vagina. i'm not sure if it's because of the hair, or the awful smell, or the texture, but i was fingering her because i had to and not because i wanted to. i almost gagged in the dream. maybe that does prove i'm straight lol. or that the only vagina i'll ever like is my own. ugh, just remembering it was repulsive, and how moist it was.

Blukh.

feminism gone wrong.

I should probably start studying.

My Smile list is still empty, i've spent an hour and a half in bed doing nothing.

Edit:

Smile list:

Avocados: one of those things that give me hope in the term "acquired taste" coz i always say that it's another way of saying something tastes bad but you get used to it. Today I've come to the realization that I now like it enough to eat it on it's own.

2 weeks of meetings my boyfriend: I just remembered while studying that when i met my boyfriend 25/05/12 we went out about 7 times in the two weeks, in which we practically lived together in the last few days before i went back home.
1. the club we first met in 2. our awkward date at the bar where i drank water and didn't understand why he was holding my hands 3 Club Sin 4. Club Alchemy (there seems to be a pattern :p) 5. Avicii concert (which may have been the first time i slept over, that or we watched the movie Up on another day with our Bestie) 6. went to a really horrible movie that i can't remember the name of 7. Had lunch where i insisted on paying since he bought me the Avicii ticket.
now that i think of it, that may have been the night that i slept over. even so, that would be 5 outings in a week and a half, if that's even possible. but it just made me smile thinking about it.

There wasn't much going on today, just studying for my exam tomorrow, should've went to the gym, I didn't think i'd enjoy it that much and miss it if i skip a day.

[New goal: don't buy anymore books until you finish the 16 books you have in your room:
currently reading one, reading another to my boyfriend after exams, definitely not reading the self help book, definitely reading the hunger games books. and the rest are up for debate.]

Back to studying.

Smile list 1

 I don’t want to ignore this anymore, I’ll probably be bored out of my mind this Christmas, but this is my decision and I just have to live with it. I wish I could force myself to go back home and tell my dad that I’m talking it off. On the bright side, I’m getting closer with other people from talking about this. If only the people I love back home were with me in here.

I got to talk to Sh about sex, as she’s been going through a couple of things. I’m exactly like her, I don’t want the burden of being a virgin, I want to be sexually free, which is a little hard with what happened with my ex.

Dear ex: if I’m passed out and you analy fuck me, that’s rape. It took me a while to realize that, and it’s gonna take even longer to recover. I always shut up in the moment and then complain later which builds up this guilt. Just like when my childhood molester made out with me, I only told my mom years later, and I didn’t act out on the same day.

Back to the sex topic, I’ve discussed it with my therapist. I’m always changing, yes when I met my boyfriend I told him I want to wait until marriage, yes I freaked out in the past about him breaking my hymen with his fingers, which is stupid because it’s probably broken. But the point is, now I’m not bothered by the idea of not being a virgin, I just want to be in love and comfortable. It sets me back when my partner “doesn’t want to have sex with a virgin due to the guilt” does that mean when I’m ready I have to beg for it? I don’t accept that and I won’t do it.

So many thoughts racing through my mind. Atleast today was a productive day.

Another thing I wanna tackle is my “unhealthy attitude” as my boyfriend describes it, I still notice that I’m only “destructive” when I drink, if there’s something on my mind, it’s not a me thing. But to try and be more postivie, I’m starting a daily smile list.

Thanks list – things that made me smile:

big support I got from my friends today: Hana, Abb, Nas, Shay.

buying magnetic bookmarkers.

buying gloves for the gym to prevent calluses.

Admiring my own shoulders at the gym, it’s nice seeing progress in your body, it makes me warm inside and love myself easier.

Voice note from H, she sounds like a motivational speaker, I really like her voice.

Green smoothie I made today that Sarah taught me.

New friend Hus giving me tips on how to study, had a great study session with him today.

My boyfriend texting “you’re a good girl and you know it” from the Drake song, he’s been depressed so I found it super adorable that he tried, it melted my heart. J

Ham texting me that he could be my maid in boxers if I can’t find one to clean.

Getting a kiss from my roommie, because she’s awesome like that.

psychoeducation

I went to class today, and remembered why I enjoyed yoga. We were told to close our eyes and focus on what we are thinking, what’s going through our heads, and then we would stop and focus on our breath, and then alternate, and later on focus on our bodies when breathing. What was thinking?

1.     How my mom reacted – or didn’t react – to when I told her about coming back home.

2.     Is this going to be the turning point between my boyfriend and i?

3.     When will I stop being uncomfortable with the negative energy from his friend?

4.     Why won’t he support me or at least try and understand why I am upset about this.

My therapist made a good point, contrary to popular beliefs, I do not suffer from daddy issues when it comes to my feminism, sure maybe the constant dating, which I sometimes get annoyed by and think I should be single just to prove that I can stay single, but then I jump back to the fact that I shouldn’t be punishing my boyfriend just to prove a point about my feminine power.

She asked me if I think my constant power struggle with men, and why I always need to make a point with A, (even when it is something small, I always have to make sure he knows, just so that the “man” doesn’t walk all over me),  might actually stem from the fact that I’ve always been struggling with my brother. I find that quite an eye opener. I wanted to tell him about that, but I didn’t get a chance two days ago, because we already went out, and then fought at the end of the night. It really bothers me because I really had fun and I didn’t want it to end like that, now I can’t even send him the photos because he wont have any good memories.

I need to get dressed for my friends birthday, I’ll continue when I’m back.

I didn't write when i got home, so now it's the following day, and i'm just in a slump. Other than the gym, i don't feel like being productive. I still don't feel good about my boyfriend, but he's not in a good mood either so i'm trying to talk to him and ignore my own issues, I really want him to study for exams and i feel bad that when he wanted to see me yesterday i said no. because now he just wants to be alone, which is concerning me. 

I hope i start studying myself, this is getting rediculous. 

On a side note, i talk to one of my new found bestie Sh, about my situation with my boyfriend and it makes me happy that she understood exactly what i was trying to say, before i even have to say it. 

"It's not that you don't like the person, it's not that you're jealous, it's not that you don't want him to speak to her, but as his girlfriend you want your existence to be acknowledged, and for her not to treat you like a wall. He needs to understand that his friends have to accept and respect you as his partner, and be considerate to your feelings. and it's his job to make sure that happens, nobody likes feeling like an outsider."

my mom has been trying to speak to me in the past couple of days, after the Hijab conversation that she completely dismissed and asked me not to come back, and then went on about life chatting away. I feel so apathetic, I don't want to have a conversation with her anymore, i'm not gonna act like i'm fine when it's not fine, maybe that's why I'm not studying. I feel like I just don't care. actually, I can't say i'm apathetic, because i'm really angry and frustrated over the fact that she had no reaction whatsoever.

I don't have enough energy to discuss the rest in detail. maybe later.

Substitute

went to my boyfriend's place the other day because he needed me to pick up something, I was meant to find a piece of paper, so i went to his drawers and there was a piece of paper, so i assumed it might be it, i opened it and it was just some random text that i immediately ignored because i needed to find a number. but the odd thing was that right beneath it is a photo of him and his ex-girlfriend in a photo booth and behind it, it says: the best part about me, is you". I'm not angry nor do i want to start a fight because he's already going through a difficult situation, although he keeps telling me he's fine. but i can't help but to wonder why he's still keeping it, this isn't like it slipped out of an old box, and i wasn't even snooping around, it was just placed there. and i also understand that we all have people that we miss in our pass, and maybe he does miss her, which i won't blame him as it's a natural emotion. but what does that mean to me? Am i a substitute to a residual relationship? Is everything he's been saying about her a lie? Are they still in contact, even though he said he never wants to speak to her again? If soul mates do exist, it makes me question if they really were soul mates, despite all their differences, the lies, the hurt, the cheating. maybe I am a temporary substitute, with an easier geographical access. I'm not sure if there's a point in bringing this up, because I know that the response is going to be that I misunderstood and he doesn't have feelings for her. We've been really good for a while, I hope this doesn't shake things up between us. I've been trying to masturbate these days, but I keep seeing that image in my head, and i've been cool around him when he keeps trying to talk about sex, but I find it hard to say: oh i'm so horny but I don't wanna talk about it with you, because I keep remembering the good sex you've had with your ex and how she took out a condom from her panties to seduce you and you found it super hot. or that when you first got together, you eskimo kissed, just like you did with me when you first met me, or that i think she kinda looks like me, with the tiny body, light skin and long brown hair. Substitute? copycat? Ugh, I dunno. Just when I started feeling comfortable with my sexuality, this happens. I'm never gonna have full on sex when this sheet keeps happening, for a moment i thought we might take this step, although I've been telling myself not to coz it might sound like something simple now, but it might hold a significance when it actually happens and i freak out, or that he thinks the same way, i guess i'm glad this happened so that it would be a wake up call to not consider penetration for another year.
You are replaceable, whether you like it or not. your first time should be with someone that finds you irreplaceable.
I should try and let it go, I don't want us arguing, I just hope this doesn't fuck up our sex life completely.

Princess syndrome

I miss being happy, it's been another weekend where there's bursts of happiness here and there, but i'm just not happy.

maybe it is princess syndrome, but i deserve to be accepted into a circle and not feel like an outsider, i did go out with them last week and everything was fine at first. it hurts me that my happiness is not important and that you're not willing to make it work. yes, you do say that you love me, but love is action, you seem so cold when you look at me, your responses are so cold, so i don't believe you when you say you want to work this out. you want us to just get past this and pretend like nothing happened, but I don't function this way. You're already choosing, even though you say you don't want to. you're already favouring.

it's been 3 days and i'm still not over what you said and how you reacted, i would've assumed that we're adults, and adults don't just hate on each other for no reason.

you find it easy to just avoid a situation and laugh it off, and to be frank that's no appealing to me.

This whole situation is changing my views towards you, it's making me think less of you as a man, as i really did expect you to make sure this works out, because you should be able to sit them down and tell them how this is important to you.

If i were important to you, we'd be ok.

I've been through this before, and it's never an option for friends to act this way, and i've seen people make sure that does not occur, so i expected the same from you, i guess i was wrong.

And then I missed you

Here I am, still Hazed down from last night, what the fuck is up with these cakes? I'm talking to my friend and he's still the same. shit is crazy.

You tell me that I shouldn't be hurt, you tell me that it's ok. but it's not. I'm not ok, and this won't work out, no matter how much I want it to.

My ex and I had the exact same problems with his family, and look where it got us?
how do you not understand how this can be hurtful to me? I really do love you, and if you loved me, you'd see that they need to understand that I am part of your life and it is something they have to accept and contain. My roommate loves whoever I love, and that's what a real friendship is about.

I will not be hidden, I am not a fuck doll, I am a person that deserves respect, especially if the reasons are unjustifiable. I already am a misfit, I don't need another reminder, I feel very degraded, I'm nothing but a fun-time girlfriend in this situation, I won't be included in anything with meaning, and that is not ok. I am not willing to settle anymore, I deserve better, and you do to. so it's best if we go our separate ways if you really want me to continue in this situation.

my roommate was in a similar situation and it did not have a happy ending.

You would not accept it if it's me doing the hating.

If you were mature, you would make it clear that this is a person that you love and they have to accept me in your life.

I will not be hidden.

I really did think that you changed and are willing to fight for my happiness, but here we are, making the same mistakes again, and you don't give a fuck.

here i am in my bed, and all I can is compare, compare how his friends all liked me, that whatever he feels about me, they do. here i am comparing how i did feel like a priority with him even though he ended up fucking me over. and then you tell me that this will not effect the relationship, when it already is.

they are not children, they both should act their age and support you, but you don't care. which makes me wonder how constant i am to you? and now that i think about it, i realise that i am not constant, which is why they don't accept it.

i'm done.

Risk

Today I'm placed in an area that's far from town, and I took off my Hijab to work. There aren't any nosey arabs in my group, so I thought, why not? But I can't help but to think about whether this was a good or bad idea. on one hand, it's very unlikely to have my parents find out, I could wean them in with the idea, and they wouldn't have to know when exactly did I take it off. but on the other hand, what if the Arabs get the word back to my parents. I don't want to suck it through college years and not be happy with who I am, but I wanna get into a lot of stress with my family. all of this because of a piece of fabric.

Fuck you

Fuck your memory.
Fuck your mood swings.
Fuck your depression.
Fuck your religion.
Fuck your inability to cum.
Fuck your controlling Habits.
Fuck your smoking.
Fuck your drugs.
Fuck your mommy issues.
Fuck your spineless back.
Fuck your empty promises.
Fuck your empty threats.
Fuck your existence.
Fuck your ability to make me feel stupid.
Fuck your persistence to fuck.
Fuck your double standards.
Fuck your ability to forget me.
Fuck your new found Happiness.
Fuck your aggression.
Fuck your possessiveness.
Fuck your vanity.
Fuck your smile.
Fuck all the times I tried.
Fuck all the times I forgave.
Fuck all the times I forgot.
Fuck all the times I fell apart.

Identity crisis

identity crisis

n.

1. A psychosocial state or condition of disorientation and role confusion occurring especially in adolescents as a result of conflicting internal and external experiences, pressures, and expectations and often producing acute anxiety.

2. An analogous state of confusion occurring in a social structure, such as an institution or a corporation

It's funny how I'm no longer an adolescent, yet this is still a part of me.

I spent a full week being myself. an entire week where I didn't have to look over my shoulder whenever I leave the house, and didn't have to worry about my brother finding out that I am not wearing a scarf. It wasn't long ago, but I miss it beyond belief. amazing how one piece of cloth defines me as a person. There I was in a country where nobody knew who I was, and I got to wear whatever I wanted. I didn't care about make up, I didn't do my hair and I didn't even care about shaving - that much - because the fact that the sunlight was touching my skin was enough. having the wind blow into my hair was enough. I've never really felt confident about my looks without make up when I'm wearing Hijab, and Its not really about how I look, but I just left like myself. I didn't care if people stared at my friend and I while we danced in the middle of the street completely sober. I didn't care about walking around naked infront of my friend after a tanning session. that was who I am for a very short period, and it stings.

reality's a Bitch.

Day one of wearing Hijab at University, and all I could think of all day were these few remarks that I kept obsessing over:

1. Do I look ok?

2. Maybe it's not that bad.

3. This isn't me.

4. But I guess it's not that bad.

5. Why didn't that person smile at me? It's obviously from the Hijab.

6. I look nice, let me just accept this.

I'm not a writer, this isn't meant to flow nice, these are my thoughts. and the main thought that I've been having for the past 10 years is self-loathing. I don't know if this is subconscious jealousy because my best friend got to do it, and i'm still stuck in Hijabi land. I mean, I actually am happy for her and I do feel really proud, but I wish it was me.

I should seek professional help in this, this is not the time to fight my own battles.

note-to-self: Write something every day, journaling keeps you sane.

Slut-shaming

            slut  /slət/ n.: A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.

Why is a female's sexuality the centre of all religions? Why is a woman's purity based on a hymen? something that has no benefit to the human body, but to preserve a man's ego and secure his property.

I do not want to be wrapped up to hide from men and their gazing eyes, I do not want to be paraded around nude to please men and their lustrous thoughts, I want to be seen as an equal human being, not an object that needs to be glorified nor protected.

I have a brain, I have a heart, I have emotions, thoughts, sexual desires, a personality and dreams. Just like any other man in society.

I would like to experience life and people, travel and explore another person's body, feel the warmth of another human being in my bed. just like any other decent man in society.

I would like to venture and push the envelope with my sexuality. try out new positions, new partners, Some whip-cream, hand-cuffs and feel a liberating orgasm. just like any other man with a sexuality in society.

I would like Anal sex to be a preference not an alternative to vaginal sex, to avail from the fact that yes I was a sexual creature before marriage and will continue to be after marriage. just like any other man in society.

I would like to dance, sunbathe and take my shirt off when it's hot outside, take a drink if I want to, even smoke in public if I want to. just like any other man in society.

I would like girls to talk openly about their past sexual and emotional experiences with their partners and not have to pretend to be "pure". just like any other man in society.

We have a right to our bodies. You are not allowed to call anyone a whore for wanting to explore her body. You are not allowed to call an outfit slutty because it doesn't fit your dress code. You are also not allowed to ridicule a girl if she herself chooses to cover up and is happy about it. We have a right to dress as we please and be with whom we want.

Eve: Admit it, deep inside you are doing this out of jealousy that you are not able to express yourself that bravely, that everyone sees your true colours.

Adam: Admit it, you resolve to slut-shaming because you yourself don't believe that what you're doing is right, because you have been brainwashed by society and religion to believe that you have an entitlement to sex because you lack a hymen, you are entitled to sex because you're superior, and slut shaming is your way into scaring women into being quiet.

Summer Gratitude

For one night, I got to be myself.

I am on a boys couch. I am on a boys balcony. I am in a boys apartment, and that's ok. 

it doesn't entitle him to anything, because this is not the Arab world.

I can dance, whichever way I want to, I can get up on the stage, I can be carried around the dancefloor, we can grind each other like nobody's watching, because I fucking can.

I am flying off the ground.

I can drink, I can take shots, taste wine (and hate it), enjoy a cocktail, because I want to.

I can wear a tank top, nobody I know can see me and shun me, I can walk around the streets in a tank top, I can't remember the last time I could free the hot summer air on my arms, my shoulders, my neck, me chest, my legs.

I can dance on the streets.

You carried me on your shoulders all the way home, so that I wouldn't get tired. Everyone on the streets saw me being carried around, and nobody cared. 

We had your famous post-party noodles, that I still miss, and I owed you nothing. You put me to sleep, and I owed you nothing, you moisturised the skid marks around my thighs, and I owed you nothing. I was naked, and I owed you nothing.

for one night, I didn't need to be covered, yet I was not abused. for one night I was myself, and I owe society nothing.

Choke

How do you take a big step with someone, when you don't have the ability to communicate?

Not to debate, not to argue, but to actually speak.

I am intimidated by you, even when you smile. it scares me to think that you would know how I disagree, that you might one day discover that I'm not the person you think I am. I don't have the ability to be honest with you, even if it's stupid, even if it is irrelevant.

Maybe it's all in my head, but I've come to realize that I am diminished in your presence.

A pussy.

I admit it, I really am a pussy. I choke. I cannot stand confrontations, especially when i'm with you.

I don't think there's any other way to explain it, I have managed to hide my true self for the past 22 years, and I'm not woman enough to stand up and just say no. Same way I was too afraid to confront you 10 years ago.

Until someone makes me snap, I don't feel the need to confront. I don't like arguing, it makes me nauseous and sweaty.

Why won't you just make me snap, so I could get this over with?

Stop being a pussy, already.

And again

You left, again.
Broke my heart, again.
Changed your mind, again.
Judged me, again.
stigmatized my faith, again.
Pulled the family card, again.
Empty promises, again.
Forgot the good times, again.
Shut me out, again.
Kicked while I'm down, again.


I fell for you, again.
opened up, again.
Unbearable pain, again.
Lonely nights, again.
Feening you, again.
Endless theoretical scenarios, again.
Constant self-doubt, again.
shattered self-esteem, again.
Spacing out, again.
Insomniac thoughts, again.
Self-pity, again.
Filling the void, again.
Emotional eating, again.
Meaningless flings, again.


Remember everything you're feeling right now, don't let this ever happen again.

Never be another - Delilah

For the past couple of days, I've been too tired and down to study, I just want to lay down, sleep or eat, could it be my period? I also feel this sudden change in my libido, I'm very hyper-sexual with no ways of satisfying my urges, Thank you for being there, vibrator. Maybe it is my period.

in  a way I think I'm entering some sort of "depression" phase from being here and what's going on around me. The Hijab, the recent crumbling friendship, the somewhat unstable partner that I can never fully read.

My life is not hell, my life is fine, I won't lie and say that I have the toughest up-bringing and the most tragic story. I shouldn't have a reason to feel down, but whenever I leave the house these days, I can't help but cruise around to clear my thoughts, how can I ever be happy living here?

Call it westernisation.
Call it brainwash.

I'm not exactly ecstatic about the idea of graduating and coming back to this lifestyle. I am nothing but my body, it doesn't matter if I'm the smartest or the most interesting, if i'm not married, I am nothing. If i'm not married, I will always be bound by my fathers authority and independence is not an option. If I do get married, it needs to be to an equal and not someone who also has authority towards me.

(Could this be why I'm not studying hard enough?)

This is probably why i'm very adamant towards making lasting friendships, people who I can call family. Not that my family are complete monsters - Although,a few characters are debatable in this story - But I love the idea of having people who love me unconditionally, this neediness probably stems from my parents somewhat cold upbringing of me, we were not exactly a hug-and-talk kind of family, I really had to work on it with my mother, and only recently have my dad held my hand during a conversation to express affection, which was a new experience, my dad does hug me sometimes, like when i'm back in the country, but it was very foreign for me to have a father-figure; rather than a partner, hold my hand to show their love. Physical affection has never been the norm in this family until recently, which is way I find it very confusing, as I grow up only getting it from people who are interested in me.

I've noticed that the closer the person is to their family, the less likely they need to be in a relationship, I don't know if it's the increased boredom that comes along with being a female in this society or the lack of physical affection as a child, but I have been somewhat of a serial dater, I haven't been single for an entire year for at least 5 years, and when i am single for about 6 months or so, I find myself always thinking about my most recent relationship.


Whenever I focus on my studies and friendships more, I find it easier to not need a man in my life.

(Note-to-self: seriously start studying tomorrow, you've wasted so much time. 4 years to be more specific)

However, friendships are not that easy either, it gets broken down to two categories:

1. Muslim friends: these are some of my friends who are always there for me, but only know half of the story when it comes to my life, I cherish their existence, but I don't have it in my to tell them who I really am, which is when the friendship hits a roadblock, I see our friendship as something lasting, but we would be closer if I could truly be myself.

2. Like-minded friends: the people who have the same mentality as me, even same background sometimes. now, it's hard to find Arabs that have the same mentality, I don't mind being friends with non-Arabs, but as I have explained, It's hard to make these friendships when there's pre-conceived ideas about who I am. It's very refreshing to me when I meet people who do fit into this category, but This category unfortunately has two sub-categories:

2A. Fun-friends: party friends, they're there if you want to go out, have fun and get fucked up, but you cannot trust them with your issues and concerns, mainly because they don't care and that they might and would use it against you or circulate your private life to people. it's not that I'm a very private person, but I'd like to have a conversation with someone who's interested in helping, and not just find my life an interesting story to tell, I cannot afford having my family know who I really am. Also, you know they'd never have your back once shit hits the fan.

2B. real-friends: Exactly what I'm looking for, and -K is one of the few real friends I've had for years that really understands who I am as a person. I don't need to go into details, but I'm grateful whenever I meet anyone in this category.

And here's where the fun starts, how can I differentiate? Why do I put so much effort into a friendship (as much as I would put into a relationship, to be blunt) and then it turns out I was just a fun friend? And yes, I'm talking about a specific friend because I really am hurt, I know it makes me sound like a pussy teenager, but I don't like putting my energy in a friendship and calling them my best friend if they're not willing to invest in me, and I end up being ignored. I need family if I'm not going to be pushy in my relationships, I do consider you family if you're part of my small circle. It's been 4 years since I graduated from high-school where everyone wanted to be my friend, and it's really hard trying to form these connections with all the changes I've been going through, so I need my support system.

As much as I would want to be my partners best-friend, I don't think that's ever going to happen. Recently he's been going through problems with his family, and his private life got to them somehow, which is something I have been through in the past, and I'm trying to get through that nutshell that is his mentality, but I don't seem to get anywhere, I feel shunned and ignored, and it's kind of the same feeling I'm getting from my former best-friend. I'm trying to be there for both of them, but I feel like i'm just coming out as annoying. Why is it so easy for me to open up to people, when they themselves either get bored (like the friend) or don't see me as someone that can help them feel better (like my partner).

At least I know my friend won't be in the picture any more, since I think I was more of a fad friend then a real friend which really stings, but when it comes to my partner, I'm not sure how I can be a safe haven for his thoughts, I don't want him to suffer alone, he doesn't deserve it and he is genuinely a good soul. It seems that he is slowly slipping away into his own religious Arab thoughts and I will be distanced as the time goes. This could be my paranoia talking. Who knows, we could actually work it out, while still coming from different spiritual backgrounds.

Side-note: The song is very dark, sexy and disturbing. I can't seem to get over it whenever I enter one of my "moods", the idea of a night filled with bondage and control is very sensual. I should probably start reading 50 Shades of Grey, it seems like a good way to explore my sexuality.

Parallel universe

A few days ago I was in Europe.

Independent, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
confident, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
social, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
Opinionated, It's ok for a female to be that, there.

I wake up as I please, I do my own groceries, I work out at the gym, I study at the library, I go on nights out with my other family, I fall inlove, I shop till I drop, I have my alone time in the park.

I'm me. I'm just another person on Earth, nobody gives a damn about what I do there.

Opinionated, it's not ok for a female to be that, here. But up until a few days ago, I was determined to come back home and tell my parents who I really am.

Many times have my mother complained about my "strong personality" and that I am unrealistic for wanting to be equal to a man. I would put her through a hard time in finding a suitable husband. I have an opinion, opinions are bad for the female brain.

I still am unaccustomed to the feeling of the wind on my skin, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, as it's been over 10 years since my parents told me to put on the Hijab.

"Is it pathetic that I can't remember the last time I felt the warm air on my skin?"

"Can I please walk down the street without my hat tonight? All the Arabs are back home, nobody is going to tell my parents"

"I look so normal, I think I fit in"

"Nobody assumed that I'm Muslim, Not even Arab"

The same people that would've never approached me in school when I'm veiled, would come up to me at a party telling me that they loved my outfit, that they've never seen me before, I don't blame them. I'm not myself when I put it on, I feel misjudged, awkward and self-conscious. Yes, me; the loudest person you'll ever meet, I'm very self-conscious when I put it on.

This is not about dressing up, or wanting to look attractive, There's no argument that putting on the Hijab makes you less attractive; or it would've defeated it's purpose, It's the fact that this is something I do no believe in that is forced on me.

I don't see women as nothing but a sex object that needs to be either covered or paraded by society.
I don't see that by covering my body men will think that I am a good person and am a good candidate for their future.
I don't believe that by standing the heat because I am a woman will grant me Happiness and serenity in the after-life.
I don't believe that my parents were right about forbidding me from participating in any sports related activities to guard my virginity.
I don't believe in anything.

I still don't know who I am, I don't think  it's fair that my parents get to decide on who I should be, people's opportunities are based on which family they were born in it, and I'm sick of not being myself due to my circumstances.

A day before coming back home for the Holidays, I had a see-through blouse with a tank top underneath it that showed a part of my belly. I am 22 years old, and this is the furthest skin I have ever shown in Daylight.

I have gotten so comfortable with the idea of taking off my Hijab, that I didn't wear it until the last hour before my arival. I slept in my tank top on the plane and I did not care, this is my body, I would like to sleep and there's nothing wrong with that.

This whole semester, I've been thinking "I'm going to tell my dad, and there's nothing he can do about it, I'm an adult now" Oh, but he can. I honestly don't know if taking off my Hijab would affect the scholarship that I'm on, but I'm too much of a chicken to find out. I only have 2 years left, and I'm not sure if I should risk it.

The first day I see my dad and all my confidence shatters to pieces. He greeted me by telling me that he loves the flowy outfit I'm wearing, and it shows how much of a good girl I am.

He seemed very proud. it broke my heart.

If only you knew dad, I cry about this almost once a month, I feel like as I get older, I'm wasting the best years of my life not being myself, and then I have to graduate and come back to this society, where I no longer have a choice, where I no longer have a voice.

Why do you have to be so proud, Dad?