Independent, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
confident, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
social, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
Opinionated, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
I wake up as I please, I do my own groceries, I work out at the gym, I study at the library, I go on nights out with my other family, I fall inlove, I shop till I drop, I have my alone time in the park.
I'm me. I'm just another person on Earth, nobody gives a damn about what I do there.
Opinionated, it's not ok for a female to be that, here. But up until a few days ago, I was determined to come back home and tell my parents who I really am.
Many times have my mother complained about my "strong personality" and that I am unrealistic for wanting to be equal to a man. I would put her through a hard time in finding a suitable husband. I have an opinion, opinions are bad for the female brain.
I still am unaccustomed to the feeling of the wind on my skin, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, as it's been over 10 years since my parents told me to put on the Hijab.
"Is it pathetic that I can't remember the last time I felt the warm air on my skin?"
"Can I please walk down the street without my hat tonight? All the Arabs are back home, nobody is going to tell my parents"
"I look so normal, I think I fit in"
"Nobody assumed that I'm Muslim, Not even Arab"
The same people that would've never approached me in school when I'm veiled, would come up to me at a party telling me that they loved my outfit, that they've never seen me before, I don't blame them. I'm not myself when I put it on, I feel misjudged, awkward and self-conscious. Yes, me; the loudest person you'll ever meet, I'm very self-conscious when I put it on.
This is not about dressing up, or wanting to look attractive, There's no argument that putting on the Hijab makes you less attractive; or it would've defeated it's purpose, It's the fact that this is something I do no believe in that is forced on me.
I don't see women as nothing but a sex object that needs to be either covered or paraded by society.
I don't see that by covering my body men will think that I am a good person and am a good candidate for their future.
I don't believe that by standing the heat because I am a woman will grant me Happiness and serenity in the after-life.
I don't believe that my parents were right about forbidding me from participating in any sports related activities to guard my virginity.
I don't believe in anything.
I still don't know who I am, I don't think it's fair that my parents get to decide on who I should be, people's opportunities are based on which family they were born in it, and I'm sick of not being myself due to my circumstances.
A day before coming back home for the Holidays, I had a see-through blouse with a tank top underneath it that showed a part of my belly. I am 22 years old, and this is the furthest skin I have ever shown in Daylight.
I have gotten so comfortable with the idea of taking off my Hijab, that I didn't wear it until the last hour before my arival. I slept in my tank top on the plane and I did not care, this is my body, I would like to sleep and there's nothing wrong with that.
This whole semester, I've been thinking "I'm going to tell my dad, and there's nothing he can do about it, I'm an adult now" Oh, but he can. I honestly don't know if taking off my Hijab would affect the scholarship that I'm on, but I'm too much of a chicken to find out. I only have 2 years left, and I'm not sure if I should risk it.
The first day I see my dad and all my confidence shatters to pieces. He greeted me by telling me that he loves the flowy outfit I'm wearing, and it shows how much of a good girl I am.
He seemed very proud. it broke my heart.
If only you knew dad, I cry about this almost once a month, I feel like as I get older, I'm wasting the best years of my life not being myself, and then I have to graduate and come back to this society, where I no longer have a choice, where I no longer have a voice.
Why do you have to be so proud, Dad?
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