psychoeducation

I went to class today, and remembered why I enjoyed yoga. We were told to close our eyes and focus on what we are thinking, what’s going through our heads, and then we would stop and focus on our breath, and then alternate, and later on focus on our bodies when breathing. What was thinking?

1.     How my mom reacted – or didn’t react – to when I told her about coming back home.

2.     Is this going to be the turning point between my boyfriend and i?

3.     When will I stop being uncomfortable with the negative energy from his friend?

4.     Why won’t he support me or at least try and understand why I am upset about this.

My therapist made a good point, contrary to popular beliefs, I do not suffer from daddy issues when it comes to my feminism, sure maybe the constant dating, which I sometimes get annoyed by and think I should be single just to prove that I can stay single, but then I jump back to the fact that I shouldn’t be punishing my boyfriend just to prove a point about my feminine power.

She asked me if I think my constant power struggle with men, and why I always need to make a point with A, (even when it is something small, I always have to make sure he knows, just so that the “man” doesn’t walk all over me),  might actually stem from the fact that I’ve always been struggling with my brother. I find that quite an eye opener. I wanted to tell him about that, but I didn’t get a chance two days ago, because we already went out, and then fought at the end of the night. It really bothers me because I really had fun and I didn’t want it to end like that, now I can’t even send him the photos because he wont have any good memories.

I need to get dressed for my friends birthday, I’ll continue when I’m back.

I didn't write when i got home, so now it's the following day, and i'm just in a slump. Other than the gym, i don't feel like being productive. I still don't feel good about my boyfriend, but he's not in a good mood either so i'm trying to talk to him and ignore my own issues, I really want him to study for exams and i feel bad that when he wanted to see me yesterday i said no. because now he just wants to be alone, which is concerning me. 

I hope i start studying myself, this is getting rediculous. 

On a side note, i talk to one of my new found bestie Sh, about my situation with my boyfriend and it makes me happy that she understood exactly what i was trying to say, before i even have to say it. 

"It's not that you don't like the person, it's not that you're jealous, it's not that you don't want him to speak to her, but as his girlfriend you want your existence to be acknowledged, and for her not to treat you like a wall. He needs to understand that his friends have to accept and respect you as his partner, and be considerate to your feelings. and it's his job to make sure that happens, nobody likes feeling like an outsider."

my mom has been trying to speak to me in the past couple of days, after the Hijab conversation that she completely dismissed and asked me not to come back, and then went on about life chatting away. I feel so apathetic, I don't want to have a conversation with her anymore, i'm not gonna act like i'm fine when it's not fine, maybe that's why I'm not studying. I feel like I just don't care. actually, I can't say i'm apathetic, because i'm really angry and frustrated over the fact that she had no reaction whatsoever.

I don't have enough energy to discuss the rest in detail. maybe later.