Smile list 1

 I don’t want to ignore this anymore, I’ll probably be bored out of my mind this Christmas, but this is my decision and I just have to live with it. I wish I could force myself to go back home and tell my dad that I’m talking it off. On the bright side, I’m getting closer with other people from talking about this. If only the people I love back home were with me in here.

I got to talk to Sh about sex, as she’s been going through a couple of things. I’m exactly like her, I don’t want the burden of being a virgin, I want to be sexually free, which is a little hard with what happened with my ex.

Dear ex: if I’m passed out and you analy fuck me, that’s rape. It took me a while to realize that, and it’s gonna take even longer to recover. I always shut up in the moment and then complain later which builds up this guilt. Just like when my childhood molester made out with me, I only told my mom years later, and I didn’t act out on the same day.

Back to the sex topic, I’ve discussed it with my therapist. I’m always changing, yes when I met my boyfriend I told him I want to wait until marriage, yes I freaked out in the past about him breaking my hymen with his fingers, which is stupid because it’s probably broken. But the point is, now I’m not bothered by the idea of not being a virgin, I just want to be in love and comfortable. It sets me back when my partner “doesn’t want to have sex with a virgin due to the guilt” does that mean when I’m ready I have to beg for it? I don’t accept that and I won’t do it.

So many thoughts racing through my mind. Atleast today was a productive day.

Another thing I wanna tackle is my “unhealthy attitude” as my boyfriend describes it, I still notice that I’m only “destructive” when I drink, if there’s something on my mind, it’s not a me thing. But to try and be more postivie, I’m starting a daily smile list.

Thanks list – things that made me smile:

big support I got from my friends today: Hana, Abb, Nas, Shay.

buying magnetic bookmarkers.

buying gloves for the gym to prevent calluses.

Admiring my own shoulders at the gym, it’s nice seeing progress in your body, it makes me warm inside and love myself easier.

Voice note from H, she sounds like a motivational speaker, I really like her voice.

Green smoothie I made today that Sarah taught me.

New friend Hus giving me tips on how to study, had a great study session with him today.

My boyfriend texting “you’re a good girl and you know it” from the Drake song, he’s been depressed so I found it super adorable that he tried, it melted my heart. J

Ham texting me that he could be my maid in boxers if I can’t find one to clean.

Getting a kiss from my roommie, because she’s awesome like that.