I should be studying right now, I have 17 pages to finish biochem, I'm a day late on my schedule, but hopefully I'll be able to finish those pages tonight.
Now, what I have been doing for the past night and ever since I woke up is watch a show called Awkward.
It's funny because she has a blog swell and has "boy trouble", the difference is that when I first started blogging, it was to retaliate on over my ex boyfriend's mean blog about me, also it was to express my feelings without anyone finding my diary, like my brother has in the past.
The reason why I'm writing today, is because the girl on the show is so pre-occupied with boys, that she's jumping from one boy to another. I said that to my therapist once, that I haven't been alone for a long time, and when Al mentioned that the other day I got upset (although I have once said it myself), part of it is because I am stubborn and I like winning fights. another part is, other than A****, I didn't pursue the relationships I was in, they pursued me. F**** chased me for a year, then I had a major crush on Ahmed, and we just happened to be together for 2 years, and then when Mo came along, I just got out of a break-up and he was head over heels for me, and we were on and off for about a year and a half, same way Al was with his ex. and then I met Al. 5 months later and spent the whole summer, if not the entire relationship telling him we can just be friends. I finally realised that it's not that I really need to be in a relationship, I just like having close friendships where the people care about me a lot, but it's hard for me to make friends with girls to begin with - not that I don't want to, they just happen to be dispersed across the country, and there's not that many options in this country - , and most guys wouldn't be that close with a girl if they weren't in a relationship. I really do wish I could meet more girlfriends here, because I've noticed that I'm completely fine with Christmas without Al, I'm actually happy he's not around so I could focus on what I want and my own friends. I don't want to end up like that girl on the show, where a guy's approval is important and I would put him over my friends. Because I don't put Al in front of my friends, but I do spend most of my weekends with him, because he lives pretty far from me and it's hard to make plans when you're on that side of town, too much commuting. one of my new years resolutions will probably be having a talk with Al about spending less time, because I really am enjoying my space, and not having a boy always around. and he should probably come over more often so I wouldn't cut back on my gym schedules, which tends to happen sometimes when I'm over.
I can honestly say that I don't need a guy in my life, it's just nice to feel the warmth. but I can't say I handle rejection lightly, mainly because it's been a while so i can't really test it out. but I do remember that when I do go through break ups (contrary to what Al thinks) I end up being more productive, the only problem is that with Mo, the break ups were very brutal, it would've been better if they didn't end up like that. I'm a little worried about the drama over him being in the same hospital as me next semester because my friends are in his group and they'll be there. Let's just hope he doesn't pull another stunt and get past what happened, because I now realise that it doesn't matter if someone doesn't want to be with you, there's so many people that do, and even so, having your friends around is more than enough.
I love being productive, I love being lazy, I love being a gym freak, and I love being away from my boyfriend this Christmas to realise all of this. Not that I don't enjoy his company, but I knew that he assumed I would be miserable here without him. I won't say that I wasn't miserable at first because of my mom and her reaction, but that's a different issue.
Which reminds me, my father called the other day and asked if i was ok because i'm pretty sure my mom told him about my outburst, while leaving out the Hijab part of course, but I'm now wondering if it was smart of me not to say anything, i'm contemplating whether I should write him a letter and get one of my friends at home, give it to him. We"ll see how that turns out. This is way too stressful.
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