21/12/13

i wanted to make sure that no matter what, this night i won't argue. yet it happened. got my hair done, danced all night, no problems, wanted to go have sex before my boyfriend leaves. but it just had to happen.

when i think about it, i'm fine as soon as he left, and right now i am fine. maybe it's because i don't like spending too much time with him, maybe i get annoyed by the criticism when it's in a big dose. i already know my flaws, i don't need to be reminded of them every second of everyday. he has so many flaws, so many stupid things that he should stop doing, but do i say anything? no. i don't like where our argument led to. i don't like what i heard when he was drunk, i don't like that he has to be "careful" around me. that's not fine, i've been in honest relationships before, and i never felt judged, but he does it in a way that's just... judgemental. there's a difference between constructive criticism and when you feel like you're just an annoying person. i'm not sure this relationship is going to last after today, i'm not sure if i want it to last, because i realised in the past 2 weeks, this isn't going anywhere, he's going to deny it if i confront him, which frankly i don't have the energy to do, but from the way that he talks about me, we're never getting married. so, i'm not sure what the point is in being attached to someone i'm definitely leaving. i'm not saying that i'm ready for marriage, but when it's not even an option, why are we doing this? maybe that's what's sparking up my anger when i'm drunk, or that everyone is leaving but me.

too drained out to really care.

18/12/13

I had the weirdest dream last night.

this girl was in my room and i wanted to sleep with her. i liked the kissing and the second base action, but when she took off her underwear, i was really disgusted by hair hairy vagina. i'm not sure if it's because of the hair, or the awful smell, or the texture, but i was fingering her because i had to and not because i wanted to. i almost gagged in the dream. maybe that does prove i'm straight lol. or that the only vagina i'll ever like is my own. ugh, just remembering it was repulsive, and how moist it was.

Blukh.

feminism gone wrong.

I should probably start studying.

My Smile list is still empty, i've spent an hour and a half in bed doing nothing.

Edit:

Smile list:

Avocados: one of those things that give me hope in the term "acquired taste" coz i always say that it's another way of saying something tastes bad but you get used to it. Today I've come to the realization that I now like it enough to eat it on it's own.

2 weeks of meetings my boyfriend: I just remembered while studying that when i met my boyfriend 25/05/12 we went out about 7 times in the two weeks, in which we practically lived together in the last few days before i went back home.
1. the club we first met in 2. our awkward date at the bar where i drank water and didn't understand why he was holding my hands 3 Club Sin 4. Club Alchemy (there seems to be a pattern :p) 5. Avicii concert (which may have been the first time i slept over, that or we watched the movie Up on another day with our Bestie) 6. went to a really horrible movie that i can't remember the name of 7. Had lunch where i insisted on paying since he bought me the Avicii ticket.
now that i think of it, that may have been the night that i slept over. even so, that would be 5 outings in a week and a half, if that's even possible. but it just made me smile thinking about it.

There wasn't much going on today, just studying for my exam tomorrow, should've went to the gym, I didn't think i'd enjoy it that much and miss it if i skip a day.

[New goal: don't buy anymore books until you finish the 16 books you have in your room:
currently reading one, reading another to my boyfriend after exams, definitely not reading the self help book, definitely reading the hunger games books. and the rest are up for debate.]

Back to studying.

Smile list 1

 I don’t want to ignore this anymore, I’ll probably be bored out of my mind this Christmas, but this is my decision and I just have to live with it. I wish I could force myself to go back home and tell my dad that I’m talking it off. On the bright side, I’m getting closer with other people from talking about this. If only the people I love back home were with me in here.

I got to talk to Sh about sex, as she’s been going through a couple of things. I’m exactly like her, I don’t want the burden of being a virgin, I want to be sexually free, which is a little hard with what happened with my ex.

Dear ex: if I’m passed out and you analy fuck me, that’s rape. It took me a while to realize that, and it’s gonna take even longer to recover. I always shut up in the moment and then complain later which builds up this guilt. Just like when my childhood molester made out with me, I only told my mom years later, and I didn’t act out on the same day.

Back to the sex topic, I’ve discussed it with my therapist. I’m always changing, yes when I met my boyfriend I told him I want to wait until marriage, yes I freaked out in the past about him breaking my hymen with his fingers, which is stupid because it’s probably broken. But the point is, now I’m not bothered by the idea of not being a virgin, I just want to be in love and comfortable. It sets me back when my partner “doesn’t want to have sex with a virgin due to the guilt” does that mean when I’m ready I have to beg for it? I don’t accept that and I won’t do it.

So many thoughts racing through my mind. Atleast today was a productive day.

Another thing I wanna tackle is my “unhealthy attitude” as my boyfriend describes it, I still notice that I’m only “destructive” when I drink, if there’s something on my mind, it’s not a me thing. But to try and be more postivie, I’m starting a daily smile list.

Thanks list – things that made me smile:

big support I got from my friends today: Hana, Abb, Nas, Shay.

buying magnetic bookmarkers.

buying gloves for the gym to prevent calluses.

Admiring my own shoulders at the gym, it’s nice seeing progress in your body, it makes me warm inside and love myself easier.

Voice note from H, she sounds like a motivational speaker, I really like her voice.

Green smoothie I made today that Sarah taught me.

New friend Hus giving me tips on how to study, had a great study session with him today.

My boyfriend texting “you’re a good girl and you know it” from the Drake song, he’s been depressed so I found it super adorable that he tried, it melted my heart. J

Ham texting me that he could be my maid in boxers if I can’t find one to clean.

Getting a kiss from my roommie, because she’s awesome like that.

psychoeducation

I went to class today, and remembered why I enjoyed yoga. We were told to close our eyes and focus on what we are thinking, what’s going through our heads, and then we would stop and focus on our breath, and then alternate, and later on focus on our bodies when breathing. What was thinking?

1.     How my mom reacted – or didn’t react – to when I told her about coming back home.

2.     Is this going to be the turning point between my boyfriend and i?

3.     When will I stop being uncomfortable with the negative energy from his friend?

4.     Why won’t he support me or at least try and understand why I am upset about this.

My therapist made a good point, contrary to popular beliefs, I do not suffer from daddy issues when it comes to my feminism, sure maybe the constant dating, which I sometimes get annoyed by and think I should be single just to prove that I can stay single, but then I jump back to the fact that I shouldn’t be punishing my boyfriend just to prove a point about my feminine power.

She asked me if I think my constant power struggle with men, and why I always need to make a point with A, (even when it is something small, I always have to make sure he knows, just so that the “man” doesn’t walk all over me),  might actually stem from the fact that I’ve always been struggling with my brother. I find that quite an eye opener. I wanted to tell him about that, but I didn’t get a chance two days ago, because we already went out, and then fought at the end of the night. It really bothers me because I really had fun and I didn’t want it to end like that, now I can’t even send him the photos because he wont have any good memories.

I need to get dressed for my friends birthday, I’ll continue when I’m back.

I didn't write when i got home, so now it's the following day, and i'm just in a slump. Other than the gym, i don't feel like being productive. I still don't feel good about my boyfriend, but he's not in a good mood either so i'm trying to talk to him and ignore my own issues, I really want him to study for exams and i feel bad that when he wanted to see me yesterday i said no. because now he just wants to be alone, which is concerning me. 

I hope i start studying myself, this is getting rediculous. 

On a side note, i talk to one of my new found bestie Sh, about my situation with my boyfriend and it makes me happy that she understood exactly what i was trying to say, before i even have to say it. 

"It's not that you don't like the person, it's not that you're jealous, it's not that you don't want him to speak to her, but as his girlfriend you want your existence to be acknowledged, and for her not to treat you like a wall. He needs to understand that his friends have to accept and respect you as his partner, and be considerate to your feelings. and it's his job to make sure that happens, nobody likes feeling like an outsider."

my mom has been trying to speak to me in the past couple of days, after the Hijab conversation that she completely dismissed and asked me not to come back, and then went on about life chatting away. I feel so apathetic, I don't want to have a conversation with her anymore, i'm not gonna act like i'm fine when it's not fine, maybe that's why I'm not studying. I feel like I just don't care. actually, I can't say i'm apathetic, because i'm really angry and frustrated over the fact that she had no reaction whatsoever.

I don't have enough energy to discuss the rest in detail. maybe later.

Substitute

went to my boyfriend's place the other day because he needed me to pick up something, I was meant to find a piece of paper, so i went to his drawers and there was a piece of paper, so i assumed it might be it, i opened it and it was just some random text that i immediately ignored because i needed to find a number. but the odd thing was that right beneath it is a photo of him and his ex-girlfriend in a photo booth and behind it, it says: the best part about me, is you". I'm not angry nor do i want to start a fight because he's already going through a difficult situation, although he keeps telling me he's fine. but i can't help but to wonder why he's still keeping it, this isn't like it slipped out of an old box, and i wasn't even snooping around, it was just placed there. and i also understand that we all have people that we miss in our pass, and maybe he does miss her, which i won't blame him as it's a natural emotion. but what does that mean to me? Am i a substitute to a residual relationship? Is everything he's been saying about her a lie? Are they still in contact, even though he said he never wants to speak to her again? If soul mates do exist, it makes me question if they really were soul mates, despite all their differences, the lies, the hurt, the cheating. maybe I am a temporary substitute, with an easier geographical access. I'm not sure if there's a point in bringing this up, because I know that the response is going to be that I misunderstood and he doesn't have feelings for her. We've been really good for a while, I hope this doesn't shake things up between us. I've been trying to masturbate these days, but I keep seeing that image in my head, and i've been cool around him when he keeps trying to talk about sex, but I find it hard to say: oh i'm so horny but I don't wanna talk about it with you, because I keep remembering the good sex you've had with your ex and how she took out a condom from her panties to seduce you and you found it super hot. or that when you first got together, you eskimo kissed, just like you did with me when you first met me, or that i think she kinda looks like me, with the tiny body, light skin and long brown hair. Substitute? copycat? Ugh, I dunno. Just when I started feeling comfortable with my sexuality, this happens. I'm never gonna have full on sex when this sheet keeps happening, for a moment i thought we might take this step, although I've been telling myself not to coz it might sound like something simple now, but it might hold a significance when it actually happens and i freak out, or that he thinks the same way, i guess i'm glad this happened so that it would be a wake up call to not consider penetration for another year.
You are replaceable, whether you like it or not. your first time should be with someone that finds you irreplaceable.
I should try and let it go, I don't want us arguing, I just hope this doesn't fuck up our sex life completely.

Princess syndrome

I miss being happy, it's been another weekend where there's bursts of happiness here and there, but i'm just not happy.

maybe it is princess syndrome, but i deserve to be accepted into a circle and not feel like an outsider, i did go out with them last week and everything was fine at first. it hurts me that my happiness is not important and that you're not willing to make it work. yes, you do say that you love me, but love is action, you seem so cold when you look at me, your responses are so cold, so i don't believe you when you say you want to work this out. you want us to just get past this and pretend like nothing happened, but I don't function this way. You're already choosing, even though you say you don't want to. you're already favouring.

it's been 3 days and i'm still not over what you said and how you reacted, i would've assumed that we're adults, and adults don't just hate on each other for no reason.

you find it easy to just avoid a situation and laugh it off, and to be frank that's no appealing to me.

This whole situation is changing my views towards you, it's making me think less of you as a man, as i really did expect you to make sure this works out, because you should be able to sit them down and tell them how this is important to you.

If i were important to you, we'd be ok.

I've been through this before, and it's never an option for friends to act this way, and i've seen people make sure that does not occur, so i expected the same from you, i guess i was wrong.

And then I missed you

Here I am, still Hazed down from last night, what the fuck is up with these cakes? I'm talking to my friend and he's still the same. shit is crazy.

You tell me that I shouldn't be hurt, you tell me that it's ok. but it's not. I'm not ok, and this won't work out, no matter how much I want it to.

My ex and I had the exact same problems with his family, and look where it got us?
how do you not understand how this can be hurtful to me? I really do love you, and if you loved me, you'd see that they need to understand that I am part of your life and it is something they have to accept and contain. My roommate loves whoever I love, and that's what a real friendship is about.

I will not be hidden, I am not a fuck doll, I am a person that deserves respect, especially if the reasons are unjustifiable. I already am a misfit, I don't need another reminder, I feel very degraded, I'm nothing but a fun-time girlfriend in this situation, I won't be included in anything with meaning, and that is not ok. I am not willing to settle anymore, I deserve better, and you do to. so it's best if we go our separate ways if you really want me to continue in this situation.

my roommate was in a similar situation and it did not have a happy ending.

You would not accept it if it's me doing the hating.

If you were mature, you would make it clear that this is a person that you love and they have to accept me in your life.

I will not be hidden.

I really did think that you changed and are willing to fight for my happiness, but here we are, making the same mistakes again, and you don't give a fuck.

here i am in my bed, and all I can is compare, compare how his friends all liked me, that whatever he feels about me, they do. here i am comparing how i did feel like a priority with him even though he ended up fucking me over. and then you tell me that this will not effect the relationship, when it already is.

they are not children, they both should act their age and support you, but you don't care. which makes me wonder how constant i am to you? and now that i think about it, i realise that i am not constant, which is why they don't accept it.

i'm done.