Quotes - Female Chauvinistic pigs

"they put the friends they hang out with in a different, higher category than the women they have sex with"

"in high school, they're worried if they have a girlfriend that's not cool, and will their friends approve?"

"Bros before Hos"

"Bitches down, bros up"

- This Reminds me of you, it's nice to know where you're placed at someone's heart
[Which is probably nowhere]

"Her aspiration was for boys in general to make her their sole focus of appreciation"

6/1/14

Now, I can go back to my rambling. Yesterday was fine, I kept busy, went out with friends, ran errands. And today I woke up early and went to class. I thought it was a little sad and immature that she was with me in class and actively avoided our friends whenever I'm with them, she literally sat alone all day and would go with us on any of the lunch breaks, at first I felt bad and I wanted to to invite her, but when I saw the attitude and how she would only address my friends when I reach a distance from them, I've decided to let her have her own way and be alone, there was a lot of pride involved with her actions since we do have mutual friends, but that is her own choice. she wanted to have her alone time with Al, she got it. But my friends would not alternate days for her sake, and she will have to learn that the hard way, I actually felt relieved since now I don't have to worry about her and my time with Al and I know my friends would not cater to her needs, so now whatever I felt when I was with Al, I saw it being projected on her. I don't like being around such negativity and I don't know why someone would want to create such energy around her life, but again it's a choice. our friend asked me more than once why she wasn't talking to us, and I just kept it to myself. Knowing myself there's a chance I'll feel bad for her and try and talk to her next week, but I shouldn't initiate since I'm not the one with the issues. To be quite honest, I actually liked a few things about her, but it's shocking to know that a 26 year-old can be this childish.

Other than that, it was actually a good day. I've had a great ego boost as 2 people felt my arms in class, and one of the guys told me that my arms are very toned like Rachel from Friends, although her arms aren't as defined it was a huge compliment to hear that (it makes me sound douchey, but I'm not saying this to anyone but myself :p), and a few of the guys kept checking me out, normally I would be against these things, but it was nice knowing that I've accomplished a lot in almost 2 months (my gym and I's 2 month anniversary is next week) and that everyone was noticing. especially after the break u, it's good to feel empowered rather than defeated. and today I did feel strong.

I only saw him for about 10 seconds where I tried to avoid eye contact and then he said hello and I responded with a faint hello and a broken smile. I know I shouldn't been more casual, but I can't act like nothing happened between us. I think he glanced at me a few times in class, but my peripheral vision can fail me at times.

It wasn't really painful today, and I'm slowly getting rid of my withdrawal symptoms and being happy with my decision. He's a good boy, but he did do me wrong with his choices, and I know there will be a time where we'll talk again, if it's to get back together I have to be assertive and say no, because he's right, I shouldn't compromise when He didn't do the same, not even a little bit. I am a priority, that will always be the case, I won't tolerate otherwise. Also, he did say that I have come a long way (which always tears me up whenever I remember that sentence, because it true and very thoughtful of him to say) and letting someone control how I spend my time, is counter-productive to my blossoming.

And just like I got over my other ex's, This seems to be even easier.

It sucks that I had to miss out on what may be my only opportunity to a strap on, though. :)



Smile List:

1. Compliments.
2. Ab's granny's food.
3. Gay guy complimenting me at the gym.
4. Laughing with Al's friend Ry and not feeling awkward.
5. Hanging out with my friends at the mall.
6. Making conversation with a vegan [?] girl that was sitting alone.
7. VN-ing my old bestie Sal.
8. Checking myself out at the gym.
9. New necklace mom got me (i should talk to her soon)
10. preparing food for tomorrow, and packing my own lunch today.
11. the new shirt i bought, dirt cheap!
12. Running in the rain on my break and re-Hijabing from the lack of umbrellas as a joke.

Embracing menstruation

This is a bleeding vagina.

Just like any other woman. 

Every month we go through our menstrual cycles, and we bleed. 

It took me time to be comfortable with showing my partner my menstruating vagina, but now that I have broken that barrier, I am free. I used to have my doubts and discretions, and possibly thought that this is something unattractive that needs to be hidden, but now I understand that It is a beautiful part of life.

it is not disgusting.

it is not unsanitary.

 it is not to be hidden.

There is nothing to be ashamed of.

It is a woman's personal choice whether she would like to be more or less sexually active during her period, there is no judgement in abstaining, there is no judgement in participating either. Orgasms help with cramping and de-stressing, also it is empowering to be able to feel attractive during a state that is stigmatised by society and religion as "dirty".

Vaginas are beautiful, and bleeding is normal.

Embrace the female anatomy, men (and some women). Do not be intimidated by nature.

p.s: I love the smell of the enriched cervical mucus from my vagina when I'm bleeding. :)

4/1/14

it's over. it took a long time to get it over with, as it went from discussions, to crying, to laughter, to intimacy. I was indecisive when I was about to leave and I'm glad he didn't say let's get back together, he said he will always put his friends first, so if it's not her, it'll be someone else. I am very hurt and shocked by the fact that I was never a priority, because it means everything I used to doubt was true, I always come second in his life. like I said we ended it on good terms, I know he loves me, but now that it's sinking in, I'm starting to resent him for putting me second in his life, there was no point in us being together if that was the case, because there were many times when I should've been out with my friends but I chose to spend the night with him, and now I feel like I'm left alone and abandoned with no best friends, I know I am exaggerating because I do have a lot of friends, but all the friends that i'm super close with don't know about my drinking and sex life, and then all the people that do know about these things, they're either away like my roommate of my friends back home, or we're not that close, so i felt like he was the link between both, I feel bad for putting him first. maybe not first in a sense that i'd leave a friend for him coz that's just stupid and it annoys me that he kept bringing up not stopping her friendship for me, I had to constantly say that I never asked about that, she just needed to get that stick out of her ass and have no opinion of me, but that's too much.

I said a lot of things before I left, which showed strong emotions, that I now wish I hadn't, because I've been fluctuating between fine and happy about having my own life, to hurt about my a second option in his life. I shouldn't have told him that I loved him the most in my life, when he clearly doesn't, he did say that he loves me, but he loves his friends more, I honestly feel very cheap, it really does confirm my doubts about being replaceable.

Guys are pigs, although he did say that he loves me, if I am a second option I can't help but wonder what did he like about me other than my looks? even today there was subtle flirty moments and wanting to see my abs, what the hell? I'm so appalled by that sentence, I feel so small.

so, so small.

Why did I tell you that I see a future? I hate opening up.

I hate putting myself out there.

I hate falling for people.

I know I can do better in certain aspects, I can replace him at this very moment, I can form a mental list right now of everyone who would date me, but I don't really know how I can find someone that had the same qualities that he did, obviously I'm not looking for a copy, but it's a little rare to find guys that are ok with everything I do and want to do, guys who don't get jealous easily, guys would are not intimidated by a pink dildo.

I know I said the same about Ahm, and then I met someone else, but I still always have to compromise when guys never do (to be fair Ahm, did) just like Al didn't compromise today.

My roommate used to hate him coz he said mean things about me to her ex, I just worked silently to bring them closer, I told her how much he mattered to be until she accepted him, I didn't have to make a big fuss about how she doesn't like him, I just gave it time.

Fuck. This. Shit.

I hope I won't need to replace this emptiness with another boy, I hope I won't get into another relationship until I graduate. It's a shame that his mother liked me. It's a shame I won't have someone to provoke my thoughts when it comes to the situations I'm in, like he did today when he asked about my mom and how I need to talk to her again.

All I wanted was a friend, I tried so hard to not date him so that this wouldn't have to happen, nothing is the same after a break up, I don't think we'd ever have the ability to converse like we used to, I would always open up about my family in bed at night.

Such a waste to have fourth months of a proper relationship, combined with the 2 months of flirty friendships, for it to come to an end, over a girl. He keeps saying that she's not the reason why we're breaking up, it's how i'm reacting. Man, even Ab told me that he's being stupid about this situation.

I wish my roommate was back already, I really need a hug. other than Ab, I don't have anyone back in town I can trust to talk about this. Actually, now that I think about it, Ab and my roommate are the only people in town that I would talk this openly about it. my gay friend knows about our relationship and a lot of personal stuff, but I wouldn't want to talk to him about this. He's friends with the girl.

then again, Al doesn't talk to anyone about his dating problems, but I'm different. I really, really, really need a hug right now. I keep fluctuating and it's driving me crazy.

I'll try and clean the apartment and distract myself, Hus was supposed to come over and study with me, but he noticed that I didn't look too well at the gym, and told me that he wouldn't mind if I want to spend the night alone. How can I tell him that I actually do mind being alone right now, I just don't want to study.

I was going to delete Al's and messages so that I don't go through them, but I've decided to self discipline myself and not check his last seen or old messages. Which is pathetic because after our fight 2 nights ago, I stalked my ex for about 10min. I doubt I'll do it again, but I just hope I won't get self-destructive this semester. Like Al said, I have come a long way from last year emotionally, and part of me didn't want to be with Al as i told my therapist, because I wanted to prove to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, but I didn't want to hurt Al just to prove a point to myself.

I guess the universe has put me under the test.

Game on.


Edit: I just realised he's going to be in my class at noon on Monday, just my luck.. coz who needs time to process their feelings, We weren't together the whole time we were together, now we break up, I see him on one. thanks a lot, God.

3/1/14

finally started studying, Has is over to help me studies by studying whatever he's doing today. but i need to get this out of my chest.

had a bad morning, i couldn't shake off the shitty feeling of last night, couldn't blow off steam at the gym, so i called up Al to ask for a break so i could clear my thoughts, but then again it escalated. he said that it shouldn't be about placing blame on him and that if I'm not happy i should just say i'm not happy lets break up. so i did. i can't lie and say I'm not happy, and i can't lie and say he's not the reason I'm not happy. he still doesn't get it. i can't say that i don't care, i can't say that he didn't try and i wasn't stubborn and i said that i don't wanna fix things the next day, so i shouldn't feel hurt when he texted me that i should take my stuff today. i still didn't go coz i really wanted to study and i didn't want to be emotional when i get my stuff.

I talked to Ab about this and i kept asking for an impartial opinion, i was a little surprised because he said that he noticed that Al makes a lot of mistakes in his relationship and that his friend is making a big deal out of not liking me, or else why would Al separate else. which is true, if she really "doesn't get bothered by these things like me since she's not sensitive" why can't she handle being around me? I barely spend time with her for her to form an opinion about me, and i do find it childish and bitchy, as if she's claiming him as her best friend and i'm just the girlfriend. shda3wa you can't share him and you need to stay away from me, mara7 aklich. yet i'm the kid in the situation for getting mad.

I'm glad someone is on my side and thinks i shouldn't deal with this, however i'm not sure if i should meet him at the airport tomorrow to have one final talk face-to-face. since i'm not sure if doing it over the phone is the best way to end things, plus i really do need to take my stuff if this is it.

I can't believe that he does not give 2 shits about us breaking up, and that he's willing to let this all go, just because his friend doesn't want me around her precious space, i really do resent her now. she caused so much shit between us, yet i am the vilian.

I might just try to be the bigger person tomorrow, which is something very hard for me to do, after he already told me to take my stuff, i'm afraid that it'll make me look desperate. then again, i don't want my pride to get in the way.

lemme finish these 6 fucking pages then decide.


Edit:

I half assed them, but at least they're out of the way.

I want to go, because I don't want to be petty, and I should at least give him a chance for one last conversation about this before we end it, but I'm really worried I'm gonna be shut down at the airport. what if he just tells me: you've had your chance to talk, I'm not talking to you anymore. it'll just look like as if i was going to beg him to get back with me, which isn't the case. I just feel that I didn't give him a chance, I'm not really sure that I want to be in a relationship with him and have this fight over and over again. There is the relief of having that out of my way, but then there's this small part that feels.. bad. I feel like i'm going to become a demon in his eyes like last time, we wouldn't talk anymore, it'll just be awkward when we run into each other, avoid eye contact. what if when I start work on Monday and I see Mo I'll become weak and pathetic and start missing him to empty the space of Al? That dude is a total scumbag, and I would never get back with him after what he did, but what if seeing him when I know i'm not in a good place, would make me feel even worse, they say the best revenge is to be happy, but right now i'm not happy. I know break ups are tough, and Al is a good person, but the stress of this is too much, it's literally the only thing we keep arguing about over and over again, I don't remember the last time we had a problem when it comes to sex. Ugh, I'm so confused, pros and cons times.

Al-

Pros:

1. funny.
2. warm hug.
3. the first person to be able to hold me in bed and not let go.
4. supportive of my views on equality
5. supportive about the Hijab situation.
6. non-religious.
7. puts an effort when meeting people in my life.
8. I don't feel threatened by him, if I say the wrong thing it won't immediately lead to a break up like it was with Mo.
9. Compliant with his medication, which means he wants to improve himself.
10. his mom likes me
11. he liked Bambini
12. non-judgemental over any un-orthodox views I have, and my friends.

Cons:

1. jokes around when I'm angry to divert rather than fix the problem.
2. doesn't listen when I'm trying to talk and just answer with simple fix ups or analysis.
3. non healthy eating and smoking.
4. does not seem to want a future for the long run, makes me wonder why we're dating.
5. Does not admit when he's wrong, and always rationalises it, same way he rationalised why he talks to his ex, now it's the situation with his friend.
6. Divides time, when it shouldn't be divided in the first place.
7. not very nice around guys, mostly girls.
8. Can be douchey and not really spend time with me, like the day he left, he just spent the day playing video games when I only had a few hours before he went to see her.
9. makes me feel cheap when he does point 6 and 7, as if i'm a toy to play with, but not to communicate to or show in public, i feel like an embarrassment.
10. is cold when i'm mad, does not hug me or kiss me, his face is just blank and I have to get an "ok".
11. unmotivated with studying.
12. barely goes out with me, but goes out with his friends. back to point 9.
13. belittles my issues with my ex, and make them about him.
14. interrogating form of questions.
15. sometimes it feels like he's bored of my company after sex.
16. does not treat me the same way he treats me around his other friends when he's with her, he's more guarded with his emotions. we only kissed in front of her once.

I should sleep, so pros about breaking up with him, is that i don't have to deal with the cons, cons about breaking up with him, we may have been something, and I might miss him, I know that I won't self destruct over a boy, but I'm worried that I might end up self distracting, although the extra time, would give me more time studying, unless I start my cycle of getting with someone new because they're "better"

he says that rejection is part of life, I don't have a problem with that. what I do have a problem with, is telling me you love me, but not acting on a simple request of taking out that stick up her ass, I'm tired of being nice to people that are being a complete bitch about my existence. who gives a shit what you think of me, why can't you keep it to yourself? I'm not going to make you cry by existing in Al's life. Man, people need to get out of my business, I was right when I said that we should keep our relationship to ourself, everything was better when we were.

to try and brighten my fucked up post, here's the damn Smile list:

Talking to Ab in bed.
the skirt I wore today that almost fell coz it's a size bigger and i borrowed it from my roommate.
Hanging out with the boys.
15kg squat bar.
looking in the mirror after my work out.
low fat chocolate fro yo at the movies.
funny comments between Ab and I at the movie.
studying with H and watching that 70's show before studying.

good night, mind fucking meddling world.

2/1/14

4am, still didn't study. wasted a fucking day just arguing with Al. of course now that he's coming back we have to start fighting again. and of course it has to be about his friend not liking me.

god forbid i don't get reminded of this.

I counted to 10, i responded when he was nice, i went along with the sexts, but i'm so fucking angry. i tried to sleep but i keep tossing and turning with tears running down my cheeks. is it so hard for him to understand that i should be the priority and he should just be spending his day with me? is that so hard to ask?

it's been more than a month with us arguing over this, I hate the fact that something so stupid is getting to me, i didn't even wanna spend the whole day, i just wanna fucking study. i don't like the fact that a guy is making me feel this way, i'm not sure it's worth it. he's not a horrible person, he's really nice, but what's the point if I'm just going to be upset for the next year and a half over the exact same topic. he says i shouldn't let it bother me, but when he keeps pulling the shit he did today, like setting up a fucking schedule, it's hard for me to see past it. and you know what? the day he left, he did the exact same thing, and he didn't even spend time with me when said i could stay till 6:30 before he has to leave to his friends place.

I'm not the type to like to deal with break ups, and I feel that I am being too harsh on him, but why should I deal with this? sure, it'll suck when we first break up, it'll make the group dynamic shift and I won't get to see Ab much, but that also means that I'd be crying for a while, and then it'll stop. I can't believe i spent the past 5 hours crying about this? I don't want to deal with this anymore, I should be studying not weeping over a stupid argument, I hate my feelings and my sensitivity.

I could be with someone else that I don't have to worry about their friends not liking me.

I'm so fucking pissed right now, it is a big deal to me, and it is a deal breaker. I'll just sleep on it before I make a final decision.

I don't know if i should text him or do it in person. but if i do it in person id have to do it in the airport, that sounds cruel. then again, why should i stand this? this has been eating me up ever since I found out.

1/1/14

I spent the entire day laying in bed in aching pain, i've been joking about it, but it can be really hard being a female when you're menstruating, I had to hunch my back while walking up and down the stairs today because of my back ache. I'll start studying tonight out of guilt, but this slumming out has got me thinking of my Dad.

Once I tell him, this will change my life as a feminist, I know that I seem to be pre-occupied with the term. But politics and women rights are growing to be more and more important to me by the day. I won't be able to take a stand unless I face my greatest fear; my father. until then, I am a hypocrite, talking about how we should stand up against men, against inequality, what we believe in, when I haven't done it myself. I can't say that I haven't evolved, I have stood up against my family throughout the year, I still remember the day my brother confronted me about me religious views and I stood up from my seat, took off my Hijab and threw it on the floor. I also stopped talking to my brother for the past year and a half due to his issues with my Hijab. And I did stand up against my mother when she disrespected me and blew up on her last week on the phone, I wasn't disrespectful, but I said it more than once, I don't want to wear Hijab. I finally said it. We've been texting ever since, I don't think she's ready to call me back after that day, she's probably too scared to have any input on the matter, but that's ok. Because I myself need to learn to get my point across without hollering, Children aren't supposed to teach their parents about how to handle life and their self-worth, but I do feel that I should teach my mother about taking control of her life, not to say that there weren't a few things that she learnt through me, but I don't want her to believe that yelling will get her what she wants in life. I'm building my strength to face my demons.

My mother learnt to write notes to our family when in feuds, just like I did with my father when I once had a request about being an exchange student at the age of 16 but was too scared to ask, he denied it and said I was too young at the time, but at least I tried at the time. part of me wants to write him a letter about this, but another part knows that it would be better to face him or at least talk to him on the phone. I can't expect him to be happy, but this is a gateway to break the communication barrier that girls have with their fathers, I don't think I have any female friends that are close with their father, at least not arab once.

I need to do this before I preach anyone about empowerment, facing my parents is an empowerment of it's own.


Smile List:-

1. Although my whole body is aching, my abs are sore from yesterday's workout and 6 pack is finally showing, I started lifting weights since 12/11/13 so it's only been a month and a half and my body completey transformed, my arms are defined and my ass won't fit from the size increase. yes, i'm grateful for my ass.

2. I'm grateful knowing that I don't feel guilty not going to the gym today, I just miss it. it's been integrated in my life, so is clean eating, without feeling guilting about indulging every now and then like I did today.

3. Don't have much to smile about today since I'm in too much pain to do anything. - oh wait! I sent my boy a happy drunk text telling him how much I love being with my friends but he's a lovely compliment to my life, and he seemed very happy, he said he saved the message which meant a lot to me. the difference between my ex and my boyfriend, is that the ex is very exaggerative and hopeless romantic at first, then crashes you. but Al is very calm and poised, even when he texts, so when he does show emotional it comes straight from the heart, not that he usually doesn't, but he doesn't do the whole overly romantic overly attached boyfriend. which is something i really love, because I honestly was never a romantic person but I just get used to it with people and then get withdrawal when its yanked away. I love having someone that can make me laugh instead of flamboyantly expressing pre-mature emotions.

4. This didn't happen today, but Al's mother and mine, met. which I admit feels awkward, I'm not sure if they even liked one another since i'm not speaking to my own mother, but it made me smile knowing Al initiated and did not freak out over the thought, which he would have a year and a half ago. we've come a long way.

5. Happy that Al spoke to his father about his depression and current medications which have helped tremendously in his personal and academic life.

6. I'm happy that I'm now friends with Ab's best friend and that he's someone I can trust, he completely had my back on New years and made sure I was safe, he's a very respectable guy and has a clear understanding of boundaries. also it was super cute how we accidentally matched outfits. our photo is definitely going on my wall of fame. :)

It's actually been a very good new year, I love my friends, I love my boyfriend, I love my life and I'll get over my problems with my family in 2014.