28/2/14

I need to set my priorities straight for now on. I actually put my own safety and dignity aside for this boy. This selfish little boy who showed zero respect when things got bad, who's only there when I'm good and perky or mildly upset, but when it comes to anything with responsibility he just dismissed me. I shouldve reported him when the psychiatrist encouraged me to do it. But I thought of his mother and I didn't wanna stoop as low as he did. I finally started responding to people. His bestfriend kept texting me for a while with long texts of motivation so I decided to finally respond, I didn't want to talk about the physical side out of respect but I told her she could ask. Today I wake up to the doorbell and there she was with ice cream. It was a very sweet gesture and she told me I need to cut him out of my life. My problem is that I've been weak, and feel the need to have him around coz he's the only or one of the few people that I can share whatever problems I have. But what is this benefit based relationship done but break Me and now take a part of me that I can't have back anymore. It wasn't bad enough that he tried to force himself on me, at some point he said "is this what Mo did to you?" I've heard of self destructive before, but that sounds like deviant manipulation and a way to purposely break my spirits. We all get drunk and do stupid stuff, but to use someone's biggest weakness against them is inhumane. I need to surround myself with my support circle and love myself better. Everyone keeps offering me ice cream which is cute. I made her and Ab promise me he won't contact me again, and I blocked his number on WhatsApp and phonecalls. So It's done. He can't contact me and It's time to move on. Sure it hurts coz there's the good times, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna find someone better, when I feel good I'll start working out again and feeling right, I'll be studying for steps. I'm gonna be looking hotter and being smarter and when the time comes, my future partner is gonna be matching me and he's gonna see it and understand what he lost. you're gonna regret this, because you know you discarded a gem and abused me. I hope he never finds peace with what he did, and I will not give him a chance to ever apologize to me, coz his words never meant anything, almost 2 years with all the bullshit talk of chasing me, I'm done with that. Someday he's gonna meet someone else and totally forget about me, and obviously talk about how horrible I am and how he was so nice yet I was so dramatic about a "drunken night" and sure they'll fall inlove and have kids, but when that daughter grows up and goes through these situations, maybe then he'll understand what's it like when you tear a peace from another human and don't ever bother showing up at their door for an apology because you wanted to hang out with your friend. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You inconsiderate sex crazed objectifying bastard with all your bullshit feminism that was only to get my pants you fucking peace of shit. I am so torn by how he acts so nice when I'm ok then gives me a "hope you're ok" after all this. I should've just died that night. Just thinking about it enrages me. Now I'm mad that I'm alive when I remembered that night. I need to focus on what his friend said. I need to focus. I need to let my friends in. Im not gonna that I hope you die, because I'm not like you, but I hope you never find happiness after using my body, you sick "person".

posted from Bloggeroid

27/2/14

I wake up and all I can think of is "suck me dick", that scene keeps replaying in my head, how can someone be so consumed with sex even while they were hurting me? he always said that i'm more than just sex, but i never thought that someone i trusted and cherish could degrade me to that extent.
obviously this won't change anything for him, he'll still have his friends, he'll still be loved and he won't overthink it because he wasn't the one being violated. And i'm obviously going to lose my friends because they're also his friends and they'd rather go out with him, just like what happened last time we broke up, I'm alone again. isn't that just perfect?
I was so enraged and said the most psychotic things to him about stabbing him and smashing his face and I still don't think that was 1% of how I was hurt.
"Suck my dick"
what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i place my happiness in a boy's hands? im so disgusted with myself, im so fucking needy and pathetic, i've never hated myself so much. I wish my roommate never found me, and now i dont have anything to do it, if i could just stab myself and be sure i'd be dead.

25/2/14

iSo now you call me? I feel like im a fucking zombie. I can barely move, massive headache, sore throat which was probably cos my hand was shoved down my throat and now it's bruised, the twitching is getting a bit better and I got something for my cheeks and i have to go every single day to the pharmacy so i could be "safe"
there's no safety in someone's mind. I can't stop feeling bad, the damn  phone keeps ringing but I don't wanna talk to anyone, and i don't answer any texts. Where was all these people - with Alleading team abandonment - when I needed strength? and what do they want me to say? I don't want anyone's attention and pitty.
fuck that.

24/2/14

The flesh chewed up in my mouth is getting worse, I'll go see the doctor today so he can speak to college.
This is a self reminder of rock bottom. Don't let this happen again. After all this time, Ab is the one that really cared, and my roommate's ofc. I don't wanna go around broadcasting this to my friends I'm not trying to seek attention, I really didn't Care and I don't even wanna talk about it, but I can't let this Fuck up my school year so I have to talk to the doctor coz that was the hospital's condition for letting me go.
Fucking rock bottom. I'm not proud of it and I'll just ignore anyone that asks why I'm not around.

posted from Bloggeroid

24/2/14

I had a few drinks last night and took all my pills.

the whole was a fucking escalation, me breaking down on my parents, confronting Al about him trying to force me to suck his dick and I didn't get zero reaction, until now he didn't even bother calling.
my roommate called the ambulance and forced me to throw up and so did my neighbor, Ab was texting me that night and called my roommate to ask about me and he actually came over and stayed with me till i got discharged, they wanted me as an inpatient for the psych ward but I said no. I slept at Ab's place and he was by my side all night. The problem isn't that my friends caught me, it's the aftermath that came along with it, if i were dead i wouldnt be feeling this way. involuntary tics and twitches, my jaw keep clasping for no reason and ended up with my cheeks being chewed up coz i cant stop myself, dry mouth and thirst to the extent where I can't even swallow my own saliva coz there is not, the tremor, the restlessness. all these side effects from whatever that was left in my stomach, and they're still happening. I can't do this shit anymore.

My parents think i'm just overreacting, and my dad probably thinks it's a phase. As for Al, fucking abandonment. pure and simple. not even a text. the funny this is that when i called and i got angry i told him if i die  i want it to be on your conscious and he told me it's a stupid idea. I was gonna do it anyway, but im glad i said that. what the fuck is wrong with him?


I can't deal with this week, I can't deal with his nonchalant behaviour, i can't deal with his face.

fuck it, i'm not gonna attend this week.

23/2/14

I've been in bed for hours, i feel absolutely shit. I had to deal with a night a full day of him actively hurting me, I know he's done it in the past, but from what I remember all i used to say is curse words.
I'm all drained out, and he made me feel so guilty last night, he didn't return my calls and messages, and now i'm supposed to just come over for their dinner? I have zero energy, zero tolerance about what happened, and it's not cute when he acts like he doesn't know why I'm upset. He apologised yesterday when he was fully drunk. but he needs to take back everything he said or I can't be with him anymore. I know that I need to just put this behind me and close off this drunk night, and I really do. but I can't tell if he was trying to hurt me or if it was all true.
I am disgusted by how nonchalant he is and if he expects me to be all loving and horny. even after everything that happened, he kept persisting on cumming, I cave in  and had a nice moment with him because he said it'll help him sleep, and then what? he just waltz out as soon as his friends call and invite him for food. I may not be just a body for him on other days, but yesterday, I was a fucking body.
To top it all off, my mother ignored my texts and today dad called from her phone and she didn't talk to me. what a fucking shitfest today is.
Why can't I just fucking die? I don't mean it in the sense that oh im in a depressive episode let me take today's pill and i'll be all fine and dandy. but seriously, why don't I just take all those pills infront of me and die? what is stopping me? He told me that the only thing that stops him is his bestfriend.
now that I think of it, nobody is giving me hope right now, not even him. I am fighting the urge to take those pills right now. I searched how to overdose on it but nothing is coming up, and those pharmacists probably gave me this 1.5 strip coz you can't overdose from it. my roommate uses the same one so maybe if i use hers with mine, i'll be fine. the thing is actually stopping me right now is that I dont want a failed attempt, I want it done once and I'm dead, I don't want it to be pumped out and then I have to be in a psych ward like a crazy person. if it's going to happen, I need it to be perfect.
I hate him. I hate my mother. All they're doing is making me feel bad about myself today. fuck what people say about having loved ones, it only makes life harder, all they do is seek comfort from you like a leech but offer none in return. momentary warmth for sucking out your soul. I feel so hollow and cold. I need to leave this place, I need to forget these people. I am being being suffocated.
Edit:

another thing that's pissing me off, small talk. what do you mean "how are you?" why can't people get to the fucking point, nobody cares how are you, this girl that I see from time to time asked me that on WhatsApp. nobody gives a shit, so shut up. I fucking hate social media and WhatsApp.
all this fucking small talk. why can't people appreciate silence. go to fucking sleep.

Just hold on, we're going home.

Laying on the couch with my friends, dark room, Drake in the background.

Eyes shut and head tilting, letting the music sink in and feel lost in it, I don't know if my medications are making me feel this way or if I'm just believing in myself to enjoy the little things in life, like a good song.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but almost every time Al talked to me during our break-up, I would know instantly that he'd do it. I'd be staring at his number and psychotically thinking "Talk to me!" and then his status says that he's typing something.

Today I became a little psychotic as well when he started texting me a few moments ago, but this time it''s because I was so worried, He got so depressed in the past 24 hours, I just need to know he's ok. I tried to get his friends to pay him a visit but apparently he didn't answer his phone or something. I don't know if I'm writing more because I think I'm losing him, or if this is the 1st weekend in a while where there's nothing I need to study, or if it's because I haven't been alone for a while.

My neck and my lower back have been killing me, my abs and breasts are very tender. I have to admit that last night when he kept trying to shove his dick in my mouth, I got a little scared, Obviously I kept saying no - which is improvement - and I just thought that I need to trust him not to cross the line with me and that he's just drunk and trying to hurt me on purpose.

I don't know if I should bring this up again, I don't know if I should bring up that night ever. I've decided to let go since it's only a drunken night, but I can't help and wonder if what he said was true. Does he really enjoy being miserable? is he really seeking for an argument? and most importantly, is that what I've been doing as well for the past 2 years, if not in my relationships?

I need to cherish the good moments, I need more positive posts about great days, it's been a while.

22/2/14

Past 3 weeks were crazy. I spent two weeks with Al and one week on peripheral with my partner so I barely had any moment in bed alone so I can write properly. plus I actually had to study.

To be honest, I haven't been studying that well this semester, I did waste a lot of time at Al's instead of focusing on my lecture note, we've been doing great except for minor set backs. I'll start with my smile list to cheer me up then I'll get to it.

Smile list:

1. Feeling great about my exam, I was very confident and was laughing with my examiners.
2. Shimmy-ing at Far in between stations in the exam, and on our way out.
3. Getting drunk off 2 tequila shots and partying at home.
4. Dancing at the club.
5. The lookAl had on his face when I told him I loved him before our exam start.


I love him.

I'm very worried about him, he got too drunk yesterday and cried so much, I think a part of me died when I saw him crying, I can't handle him crying, I can't believe he was crying, I'd rather he fucks things up with me and be happy, than ever crying again.

I don't remember ever seeing him this drunk or this depressed about anything in my life. I'm trying to stop myself from constantly checking up on him but I'm so damn worried.

I'll start writing daily because there's so much shit that's been happening that I don't know where to start.

Also: my mother stopped talking to me.. great.

Rules

1. No kissing.
2. Zero effort by me.
3. Only meeting at my place.
4. No rejection if I ask for something.
5. I'm able to request one sided affection.
6. No relationship talk.
7. only one issue per week, Al can stop me if I talk about another issue.
8. Only move on to another issue if the previous one is solved.
9. No cigarette breaks after sex.
10. Both have the right to have a break between fights.
11. Hang out with friends rather than isolate everyone for alone time.
12. Limited times where Al can masturbate to me.
13. No cigarette breaks during a fight.
14. No checking phone during fight.
15. No fighting on a tight schedule.
16. responding to each text, not the last sentence.
17. don't say it's fine when it's not.
18. don't raise voice.