New years resulotion

1.  read the 16 books I have (14 more would be a plus) - including Al's books.
2. swim.
3. get over arachnophobia
4. talk to dad about Hijab
5. count to 10 when angry
6. anger management star chart with Al
7. take step 1 (May), step 2 (no date set)
8. Summer electives, research
9. publish jc3 paper
10. Subi, elective in the states
11. sky dive
12. marathon training
13. learn to play guitar
14. stop frowning
15. stop crying in conversations.
16. lower voice when talking
17. Bike in Phoenix park
18. Don't get back with Al, you are more than an option for tapping.

30/12/13

I should be studying right now, I have 17 pages to finish biochem, I'm a day late on my schedule, but hopefully I'll be able to finish those pages tonight.

Now, what I have been doing for the past night and ever since I woke up is watch a show called Awkward.

It's funny because she has a blog swell and has "boy trouble", the difference is that when I first started blogging, it was to retaliate on over my ex boyfriend's mean blog about me, also it was to express my feelings without anyone finding my diary, like my brother has in the past.

The reason why I'm writing today, is because the girl on the show is so pre-occupied with boys, that she's jumping from one boy to another. I said that to my therapist once, that I haven't been alone for a long time, and when Al mentioned that the other day I got upset (although I have once said it myself), part of it is because I am stubborn and I like winning fights. another part is, other than A****, I didn't pursue the relationships I was in, they pursued me. F**** chased me for a year, then I had a major crush on Ahmed, and we just happened to be together for 2 years, and then when Mo came along, I just got out of a break-up and he was head over heels for me, and we were on and off for about a year and a half, same way Al was with his ex. and then I met Al. 5 months later and spent the whole summer, if not the entire relationship telling him we can just be friends. I finally realised that it's not that I really need to be in a relationship, I just like having close friendships where the people care about me a lot, but it's hard for me to make friends with girls to begin with - not that I don't want to, they just happen to be dispersed across the country, and there's not that many options in this country - , and most guys wouldn't be that close with a girl if they weren't in a relationship. I really do wish I could meet more girlfriends here, because I've noticed that I'm completely fine with Christmas without Al, I'm actually happy he's not around so I could focus on what I want and my own friends. I don't want to end up like that girl on the show, where a guy's approval is important and I would put him over my friends. Because I don't put Al in front of my friends, but I do spend most of my weekends with him, because he lives pretty far from me and it's hard to make plans when you're on that side of town, too much commuting. one of my new years resolutions will probably be having a talk with Al about spending less time, because I really am enjoying my space, and not having a boy always around. and he should probably come over more often so I wouldn't cut back on my gym schedules, which tends to happen sometimes when I'm over.

I can honestly say that I don't need a guy in my life, it's just nice to feel the warmth. but I can't say I handle rejection lightly, mainly because it's been a while so i can't really test it out. but I do remember that when I do go through break ups (contrary to what Al thinks) I end up being more productive, the only problem is that with Mo, the break ups were very brutal, it would've been better if they didn't end up like that. I'm a little worried about the drama over him being in the same hospital as me next semester because my friends are in his group and they'll be there. Let's just hope he doesn't pull another stunt and get past what happened, because I now realise that it doesn't matter if someone doesn't want to be with you, there's so many people that do, and even so, having your friends around is more than enough.

I love being productive, I love being lazy, I love being a gym freak, and I love being away from my boyfriend this Christmas to realise all of this. Not that I don't enjoy his company, but I knew that he assumed I would be miserable here without him. I won't say that I wasn't miserable at first because of my mom and her reaction, but that's a different issue.

Which reminds me, my father called the other day and asked if i was ok because i'm pretty sure my mom told him about my outburst, while leaving out the Hijab part of course, but I'm now wondering if it was smart of me not to say anything, i'm contemplating whether I should write him a letter and get one of my friends at home, give it to him. We"ll see how that turns out. This is way too stressful.

21/12/13

i wanted to make sure that no matter what, this night i won't argue. yet it happened. got my hair done, danced all night, no problems, wanted to go have sex before my boyfriend leaves. but it just had to happen.

when i think about it, i'm fine as soon as he left, and right now i am fine. maybe it's because i don't like spending too much time with him, maybe i get annoyed by the criticism when it's in a big dose. i already know my flaws, i don't need to be reminded of them every second of everyday. he has so many flaws, so many stupid things that he should stop doing, but do i say anything? no. i don't like where our argument led to. i don't like what i heard when he was drunk, i don't like that he has to be "careful" around me. that's not fine, i've been in honest relationships before, and i never felt judged, but he does it in a way that's just... judgemental. there's a difference between constructive criticism and when you feel like you're just an annoying person. i'm not sure this relationship is going to last after today, i'm not sure if i want it to last, because i realised in the past 2 weeks, this isn't going anywhere, he's going to deny it if i confront him, which frankly i don't have the energy to do, but from the way that he talks about me, we're never getting married. so, i'm not sure what the point is in being attached to someone i'm definitely leaving. i'm not saying that i'm ready for marriage, but when it's not even an option, why are we doing this? maybe that's what's sparking up my anger when i'm drunk, or that everyone is leaving but me.

too drained out to really care.

18/12/13

I had the weirdest dream last night.

this girl was in my room and i wanted to sleep with her. i liked the kissing and the second base action, but when she took off her underwear, i was really disgusted by hair hairy vagina. i'm not sure if it's because of the hair, or the awful smell, or the texture, but i was fingering her because i had to and not because i wanted to. i almost gagged in the dream. maybe that does prove i'm straight lol. or that the only vagina i'll ever like is my own. ugh, just remembering it was repulsive, and how moist it was.

Blukh.

feminism gone wrong.

I should probably start studying.

My Smile list is still empty, i've spent an hour and a half in bed doing nothing.

Edit:

Smile list:

Avocados: one of those things that give me hope in the term "acquired taste" coz i always say that it's another way of saying something tastes bad but you get used to it. Today I've come to the realization that I now like it enough to eat it on it's own.

2 weeks of meetings my boyfriend: I just remembered while studying that when i met my boyfriend 25/05/12 we went out about 7 times in the two weeks, in which we practically lived together in the last few days before i went back home.
1. the club we first met in 2. our awkward date at the bar where i drank water and didn't understand why he was holding my hands 3 Club Sin 4. Club Alchemy (there seems to be a pattern :p) 5. Avicii concert (which may have been the first time i slept over, that or we watched the movie Up on another day with our Bestie) 6. went to a really horrible movie that i can't remember the name of 7. Had lunch where i insisted on paying since he bought me the Avicii ticket.
now that i think of it, that may have been the night that i slept over. even so, that would be 5 outings in a week and a half, if that's even possible. but it just made me smile thinking about it.

There wasn't much going on today, just studying for my exam tomorrow, should've went to the gym, I didn't think i'd enjoy it that much and miss it if i skip a day.

[New goal: don't buy anymore books until you finish the 16 books you have in your room:
currently reading one, reading another to my boyfriend after exams, definitely not reading the self help book, definitely reading the hunger games books. and the rest are up for debate.]

Back to studying.

Smile list 1

 I don’t want to ignore this anymore, I’ll probably be bored out of my mind this Christmas, but this is my decision and I just have to live with it. I wish I could force myself to go back home and tell my dad that I’m talking it off. On the bright side, I’m getting closer with other people from talking about this. If only the people I love back home were with me in here.

I got to talk to Sh about sex, as she’s been going through a couple of things. I’m exactly like her, I don’t want the burden of being a virgin, I want to be sexually free, which is a little hard with what happened with my ex.

Dear ex: if I’m passed out and you analy fuck me, that’s rape. It took me a while to realize that, and it’s gonna take even longer to recover. I always shut up in the moment and then complain later which builds up this guilt. Just like when my childhood molester made out with me, I only told my mom years later, and I didn’t act out on the same day.

Back to the sex topic, I’ve discussed it with my therapist. I’m always changing, yes when I met my boyfriend I told him I want to wait until marriage, yes I freaked out in the past about him breaking my hymen with his fingers, which is stupid because it’s probably broken. But the point is, now I’m not bothered by the idea of not being a virgin, I just want to be in love and comfortable. It sets me back when my partner “doesn’t want to have sex with a virgin due to the guilt” does that mean when I’m ready I have to beg for it? I don’t accept that and I won’t do it.

So many thoughts racing through my mind. Atleast today was a productive day.

Another thing I wanna tackle is my “unhealthy attitude” as my boyfriend describes it, I still notice that I’m only “destructive” when I drink, if there’s something on my mind, it’s not a me thing. But to try and be more postivie, I’m starting a daily smile list.

Thanks list – things that made me smile:

big support I got from my friends today: Hana, Abb, Nas, Shay.

buying magnetic bookmarkers.

buying gloves for the gym to prevent calluses.

Admiring my own shoulders at the gym, it’s nice seeing progress in your body, it makes me warm inside and love myself easier.

Voice note from H, she sounds like a motivational speaker, I really like her voice.

Green smoothie I made today that Sarah taught me.

New friend Hus giving me tips on how to study, had a great study session with him today.

My boyfriend texting “you’re a good girl and you know it” from the Drake song, he’s been depressed so I found it super adorable that he tried, it melted my heart. J

Ham texting me that he could be my maid in boxers if I can’t find one to clean.

Getting a kiss from my roommie, because she’s awesome like that.

psychoeducation

I went to class today, and remembered why I enjoyed yoga. We were told to close our eyes and focus on what we are thinking, what’s going through our heads, and then we would stop and focus on our breath, and then alternate, and later on focus on our bodies when breathing. What was thinking?

1.     How my mom reacted – or didn’t react – to when I told her about coming back home.

2.     Is this going to be the turning point between my boyfriend and i?

3.     When will I stop being uncomfortable with the negative energy from his friend?

4.     Why won’t he support me or at least try and understand why I am upset about this.

My therapist made a good point, contrary to popular beliefs, I do not suffer from daddy issues when it comes to my feminism, sure maybe the constant dating, which I sometimes get annoyed by and think I should be single just to prove that I can stay single, but then I jump back to the fact that I shouldn’t be punishing my boyfriend just to prove a point about my feminine power.

She asked me if I think my constant power struggle with men, and why I always need to make a point with A, (even when it is something small, I always have to make sure he knows, just so that the “man” doesn’t walk all over me),  might actually stem from the fact that I’ve always been struggling with my brother. I find that quite an eye opener. I wanted to tell him about that, but I didn’t get a chance two days ago, because we already went out, and then fought at the end of the night. It really bothers me because I really had fun and I didn’t want it to end like that, now I can’t even send him the photos because he wont have any good memories.

I need to get dressed for my friends birthday, I’ll continue when I’m back.

I didn't write when i got home, so now it's the following day, and i'm just in a slump. Other than the gym, i don't feel like being productive. I still don't feel good about my boyfriend, but he's not in a good mood either so i'm trying to talk to him and ignore my own issues, I really want him to study for exams and i feel bad that when he wanted to see me yesterday i said no. because now he just wants to be alone, which is concerning me. 

I hope i start studying myself, this is getting rediculous. 

On a side note, i talk to one of my new found bestie Sh, about my situation with my boyfriend and it makes me happy that she understood exactly what i was trying to say, before i even have to say it. 

"It's not that you don't like the person, it's not that you're jealous, it's not that you don't want him to speak to her, but as his girlfriend you want your existence to be acknowledged, and for her not to treat you like a wall. He needs to understand that his friends have to accept and respect you as his partner, and be considerate to your feelings. and it's his job to make sure that happens, nobody likes feeling like an outsider."

my mom has been trying to speak to me in the past couple of days, after the Hijab conversation that she completely dismissed and asked me not to come back, and then went on about life chatting away. I feel so apathetic, I don't want to have a conversation with her anymore, i'm not gonna act like i'm fine when it's not fine, maybe that's why I'm not studying. I feel like I just don't care. actually, I can't say i'm apathetic, because i'm really angry and frustrated over the fact that she had no reaction whatsoever.

I don't have enough energy to discuss the rest in detail. maybe later.