Substitute

went to my boyfriend's place the other day because he needed me to pick up something, I was meant to find a piece of paper, so i went to his drawers and there was a piece of paper, so i assumed it might be it, i opened it and it was just some random text that i immediately ignored because i needed to find a number. but the odd thing was that right beneath it is a photo of him and his ex-girlfriend in a photo booth and behind it, it says: the best part about me, is you". I'm not angry nor do i want to start a fight because he's already going through a difficult situation, although he keeps telling me he's fine. but i can't help but to wonder why he's still keeping it, this isn't like it slipped out of an old box, and i wasn't even snooping around, it was just placed there. and i also understand that we all have people that we miss in our pass, and maybe he does miss her, which i won't blame him as it's a natural emotion. but what does that mean to me? Am i a substitute to a residual relationship? Is everything he's been saying about her a lie? Are they still in contact, even though he said he never wants to speak to her again? If soul mates do exist, it makes me question if they really were soul mates, despite all their differences, the lies, the hurt, the cheating. maybe I am a temporary substitute, with an easier geographical access. I'm not sure if there's a point in bringing this up, because I know that the response is going to be that I misunderstood and he doesn't have feelings for her. We've been really good for a while, I hope this doesn't shake things up between us. I've been trying to masturbate these days, but I keep seeing that image in my head, and i've been cool around him when he keeps trying to talk about sex, but I find it hard to say: oh i'm so horny but I don't wanna talk about it with you, because I keep remembering the good sex you've had with your ex and how she took out a condom from her panties to seduce you and you found it super hot. or that when you first got together, you eskimo kissed, just like you did with me when you first met me, or that i think she kinda looks like me, with the tiny body, light skin and long brown hair. Substitute? copycat? Ugh, I dunno. Just when I started feeling comfortable with my sexuality, this happens. I'm never gonna have full on sex when this sheet keeps happening, for a moment i thought we might take this step, although I've been telling myself not to coz it might sound like something simple now, but it might hold a significance when it actually happens and i freak out, or that he thinks the same way, i guess i'm glad this happened so that it would be a wake up call to not consider penetration for another year.
You are replaceable, whether you like it or not. your first time should be with someone that finds you irreplaceable.
I should try and let it go, I don't want us arguing, I just hope this doesn't fuck up our sex life completely.

Princess syndrome

I miss being happy, it's been another weekend where there's bursts of happiness here and there, but i'm just not happy.

maybe it is princess syndrome, but i deserve to be accepted into a circle and not feel like an outsider, i did go out with them last week and everything was fine at first. it hurts me that my happiness is not important and that you're not willing to make it work. yes, you do say that you love me, but love is action, you seem so cold when you look at me, your responses are so cold, so i don't believe you when you say you want to work this out. you want us to just get past this and pretend like nothing happened, but I don't function this way. You're already choosing, even though you say you don't want to. you're already favouring.

it's been 3 days and i'm still not over what you said and how you reacted, i would've assumed that we're adults, and adults don't just hate on each other for no reason.

you find it easy to just avoid a situation and laugh it off, and to be frank that's no appealing to me.

This whole situation is changing my views towards you, it's making me think less of you as a man, as i really did expect you to make sure this works out, because you should be able to sit them down and tell them how this is important to you.

If i were important to you, we'd be ok.

I've been through this before, and it's never an option for friends to act this way, and i've seen people make sure that does not occur, so i expected the same from you, i guess i was wrong.

And then I missed you

Here I am, still Hazed down from last night, what the fuck is up with these cakes? I'm talking to my friend and he's still the same. shit is crazy.

You tell me that I shouldn't be hurt, you tell me that it's ok. but it's not. I'm not ok, and this won't work out, no matter how much I want it to.

My ex and I had the exact same problems with his family, and look where it got us?
how do you not understand how this can be hurtful to me? I really do love you, and if you loved me, you'd see that they need to understand that I am part of your life and it is something they have to accept and contain. My roommate loves whoever I love, and that's what a real friendship is about.

I will not be hidden, I am not a fuck doll, I am a person that deserves respect, especially if the reasons are unjustifiable. I already am a misfit, I don't need another reminder, I feel very degraded, I'm nothing but a fun-time girlfriend in this situation, I won't be included in anything with meaning, and that is not ok. I am not willing to settle anymore, I deserve better, and you do to. so it's best if we go our separate ways if you really want me to continue in this situation.

my roommate was in a similar situation and it did not have a happy ending.

You would not accept it if it's me doing the hating.

If you were mature, you would make it clear that this is a person that you love and they have to accept me in your life.

I will not be hidden.

I really did think that you changed and are willing to fight for my happiness, but here we are, making the same mistakes again, and you don't give a fuck.

here i am in my bed, and all I can is compare, compare how his friends all liked me, that whatever he feels about me, they do. here i am comparing how i did feel like a priority with him even though he ended up fucking me over. and then you tell me that this will not effect the relationship, when it already is.

they are not children, they both should act their age and support you, but you don't care. which makes me wonder how constant i am to you? and now that i think about it, i realise that i am not constant, which is why they don't accept it.

i'm done.

Risk

Today I'm placed in an area that's far from town, and I took off my Hijab to work. There aren't any nosey arabs in my group, so I thought, why not? But I can't help but to think about whether this was a good or bad idea. on one hand, it's very unlikely to have my parents find out, I could wean them in with the idea, and they wouldn't have to know when exactly did I take it off. but on the other hand, what if the Arabs get the word back to my parents. I don't want to suck it through college years and not be happy with who I am, but I wanna get into a lot of stress with my family. all of this because of a piece of fabric.

Fuck you

Fuck your memory.
Fuck your mood swings.
Fuck your depression.
Fuck your religion.
Fuck your inability to cum.
Fuck your controlling Habits.
Fuck your smoking.
Fuck your drugs.
Fuck your mommy issues.
Fuck your spineless back.
Fuck your empty promises.
Fuck your empty threats.
Fuck your existence.
Fuck your ability to make me feel stupid.
Fuck your persistence to fuck.
Fuck your double standards.
Fuck your ability to forget me.
Fuck your new found Happiness.
Fuck your aggression.
Fuck your possessiveness.
Fuck your vanity.
Fuck your smile.
Fuck all the times I tried.
Fuck all the times I forgave.
Fuck all the times I forgot.
Fuck all the times I fell apart.

Identity crisis

identity crisis

n.

1. A psychosocial state or condition of disorientation and role confusion occurring especially in adolescents as a result of conflicting internal and external experiences, pressures, and expectations and often producing acute anxiety.

2. An analogous state of confusion occurring in a social structure, such as an institution or a corporation

It's funny how I'm no longer an adolescent, yet this is still a part of me.

I spent a full week being myself. an entire week where I didn't have to look over my shoulder whenever I leave the house, and didn't have to worry about my brother finding out that I am not wearing a scarf. It wasn't long ago, but I miss it beyond belief. amazing how one piece of cloth defines me as a person. There I was in a country where nobody knew who I was, and I got to wear whatever I wanted. I didn't care about make up, I didn't do my hair and I didn't even care about shaving - that much - because the fact that the sunlight was touching my skin was enough. having the wind blow into my hair was enough. I've never really felt confident about my looks without make up when I'm wearing Hijab, and Its not really about how I look, but I just left like myself. I didn't care if people stared at my friend and I while we danced in the middle of the street completely sober. I didn't care about walking around naked infront of my friend after a tanning session. that was who I am for a very short period, and it stings.

reality's a Bitch.

Day one of wearing Hijab at University, and all I could think of all day were these few remarks that I kept obsessing over:

1. Do I look ok?

2. Maybe it's not that bad.

3. This isn't me.

4. But I guess it's not that bad.

5. Why didn't that person smile at me? It's obviously from the Hijab.

6. I look nice, let me just accept this.

I'm not a writer, this isn't meant to flow nice, these are my thoughts. and the main thought that I've been having for the past 10 years is self-loathing. I don't know if this is subconscious jealousy because my best friend got to do it, and i'm still stuck in Hijabi land. I mean, I actually am happy for her and I do feel really proud, but I wish it was me.

I should seek professional help in this, this is not the time to fight my own battles.

note-to-self: Write something every day, journaling keeps you sane.

Slut-shaming

            slut  /slət/ n.: A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.

Why is a female's sexuality the centre of all religions? Why is a woman's purity based on a hymen? something that has no benefit to the human body, but to preserve a man's ego and secure his property.

I do not want to be wrapped up to hide from men and their gazing eyes, I do not want to be paraded around nude to please men and their lustrous thoughts, I want to be seen as an equal human being, not an object that needs to be glorified nor protected.

I have a brain, I have a heart, I have emotions, thoughts, sexual desires, a personality and dreams. Just like any other man in society.

I would like to experience life and people, travel and explore another person's body, feel the warmth of another human being in my bed. just like any other decent man in society.

I would like to venture and push the envelope with my sexuality. try out new positions, new partners, Some whip-cream, hand-cuffs and feel a liberating orgasm. just like any other man with a sexuality in society.

I would like Anal sex to be a preference not an alternative to vaginal sex, to avail from the fact that yes I was a sexual creature before marriage and will continue to be after marriage. just like any other man in society.

I would like to dance, sunbathe and take my shirt off when it's hot outside, take a drink if I want to, even smoke in public if I want to. just like any other man in society.

I would like girls to talk openly about their past sexual and emotional experiences with their partners and not have to pretend to be "pure". just like any other man in society.

We have a right to our bodies. You are not allowed to call anyone a whore for wanting to explore her body. You are not allowed to call an outfit slutty because it doesn't fit your dress code. You are also not allowed to ridicule a girl if she herself chooses to cover up and is happy about it. We have a right to dress as we please and be with whom we want.

Eve: Admit it, deep inside you are doing this out of jealousy that you are not able to express yourself that bravely, that everyone sees your true colours.

Adam: Admit it, you resolve to slut-shaming because you yourself don't believe that what you're doing is right, because you have been brainwashed by society and religion to believe that you have an entitlement to sex because you lack a hymen, you are entitled to sex because you're superior, and slut shaming is your way into scaring women into being quiet.