28/5/14

havent written in a long time, which is understandable since exams are soon. but ofcourse the one day i do write, it's about him. I'm too fucking angry, I feel like stabbing, I don't wanna see his face again, so i don't smash it.

and then he says that i'm getting him angry, as if he has the fucking right.

just so fucking hurtful and selfish. I've been so loving and needy as always, why can't i learn to be normal and not attach nor get affected by this bullshit.

The worst part is that my depression is acting up since i havent had any pills for a few days, and now they gave me 2 packets in one go, and I've been obsessing about it all day.


I need this year to fucking end

8/5/14

I'm finding my dreams to be more of a reality than my day to day life. I'm not sure if that makes sense, or if it's psychotic, but I keep wanting to go back to sleep to know what's going in my subconscious.

So far I've gotten into an argument with my best friend, started throwing my lectures and breaking stuff, only because she wouldn't explain something to me properly and was messing around when I was in a bad mode - which is totally something I would do.

I pretended to faint infront of my family members and face planted to make it more believable while believing it myself in a way, but nobody cared and I had to get up and go hide somewhere to cry.
My ex showed up at my birthday party infront of everyone with a lawyer sueing me.
He also showed up and parked at my house while another girl did to whom they were dating and she left some kids in her car while getting into his car, I made sure my parents found out to take care of the kids but they wouldn't care less what the girl was doing which angered me because I wanted them both punished, and I confronted them saying she's been inlove with him ever since she first laid eyes on him, and apparently he noticed her at his psychiatrists appointment which made them get into the relationship and that hurt my feels, she later on messaged me thanking me for introducing him to her but the message was all jumbeled.
I also was driving around my country and getting lost - like i usually do in the summer and it always gets me anxious - and then some kids helped me out, i ended up driving to Kaws place where I got into an accident for swerved too soon - something i'm always afraid of - and my breaks were crap, the guy came out and he's this chubby dude that's married and said he was in my school, I was yelling at my mom on the phone cause she kept interrupting me when i wanted to tell her about the accident.
And i was also trying to figure out how to meet my family at the airport, with or without hijab.

what's the result of all these random dreams? Missed a day of work, missed my psychiatrist appointment and I'm still in bed, being anxious and angry about some fucking dreams that aren't even real.

Maybe I am being psychotic.

25/4/14

I am going out of mind mind. Hoodie Allen acoustic songs in the background, in this dark bedroom and the window open to get some air. the temperature keeps raising and I am more agitated and hopeless by the day. on one said there's him just being a child, being nice, asking me out, being mean. Dude, if you wish you had never met me, why are you adding to the pressure I'm under? Why can't guys be nice for the sake of being nice to me and enjoying my company, it just has to be a relationship. just like that dumbass doctor, if i reject you, stop being nice to ask me out over, and over again.

And then those "friends" that come and complain that I cut them off, while they're hanging out with him when in town instead of me. Childish? I remember back when my ex cheated on me and my best friend gave out to him and lost respect for him after what he's done, he didn't punch him in the face, but i really respected that. so stop bitching.

I want to think of the happy times, and focus on that. Like date night with my bestie a few days ago where she was very spontaneous and took me out to the beach all dressed up for Lobster where we pretended to be fancy. or dancing with Stelios parents while taking shots of lemon liquor. having a whole break from my actual vacation to lay down with shay in bed and talk about life.


This shithole of a place is sucking me dry. I mean, what am I supposed to do with my parents situation? I have to go back home at some point and face my issues. is this what Karma is? me thinking of my own happiness in the beginning of the year is also the cause of my anxiety? but i have been stressed every time i go back home and having to put on the headscarf again. how can i make things fine? and when am i gonna start studying for my finals. what about elective? why the fuck am i not in the gym?
I sleep, wake up, lay in bed, sleep and the cycle goes on. Also there's the occasional food that i have no appetite for. watching all those dumbass shows instead of reading all those novels i've got. haven't seen my therapist in ages. i just feel stuck. i know what i'm supposed to do, i just need to fucking do it.


"We should take a walk someday, dream about what could've been"

I should've really smoked up a little today, i'm technically a stoner without the drugs.

I cannot do this. I need me a drink.

23/4/14

I Have no idea why i got so nervous leaving the house today. i felt relaxed when he wasnt in class. then when he walked in i got nervous again. part of me wanted to text him today, but i told myself it's for the best. we could've been happy, but so would every relationship in the world if it was a good fit.

just because you miss someone, just because it hurts, it does not mean you should fight for it.

and I hate that he wore that hoodie. i have nobody to watch that show with anymore.

part of me wanted him to text me today, but i'm glad he didn't because his happiness is important aswell.


I miss having someone put their hands on my back, cuddling, being boring in bed together.

20/8/14

"Home" started playing on 8tracks.com. it made me remember the time when we first met.

people really do change.

So many things happened in the past 24 hours, Al wasn't at the airport, which was a relief in a way, yet a reality check, that this is happening all over again.

Oh, the dancing with my Greek friends parents last night, seeing what true love is all about. Beautiful. especially how i was sent off to the airport. 

18/4/14

i've been contemplating why i'm talking to Al this week, especially that he's a major reason to why i'm taking the break. he's just dragging my spirit and going way off with the travel plans and hanging out, even if it is charming, it did show a sort of impulsive that is alarming. because we could break up on an impulse aswell. last night we had an argument and i couldn't enjoy my night out with the girls, i noticed after 3 shots i did start to loosen up and dance, but then the anger showed up again and i ended up talking to him and arguing and crying, it wasn't as dramatic as before, but it still wasn't a way to spend the holidays. i noticed how temporary my happiness was with alcohol and that i needed more to keep up with it, but i controlled myself because that's a slippery slope i shouldn't go through.

I told him not to speak to me again and it seems that whatever this week was has finally ended, the only problem is, although we broke up 6 weeks ago, having to say it again feels like another break up that starts the grieving process all over again. i hate this. i shouldn't be feeling down. but that's what he always does. get under my skin then disappear on an on and off basis, this doesn't mean that i want him back, but why couldnt he just stay away after the break up so i can properly get over him. talking back and forth about how we can be together is only messing with my emotions. if it's over i need it to be properly over.

in 24 hours i'll be packing my stuff back home, this isn't how i'm supposed to end my vacation. this is not the clarity i had hoped for.

damn you and your mind games. and at the end of the day yes, you will have your friends to support you even if you were momentarily alone, and i'll still be fucked in the head. and yes i know this is more of a chase to him than true love, which also isn't healthy for my sanity. and yes there's a chance you're gonna try and find this blog again and read all of this, but fuck it, you hurt me, karma needs to hurt you back.

Men are disgusting and drain the life out of you.

14/4/14

the amount of fuckery of the past two nights was unbelievable, and then he gives me an LOL and an OK as if im exaggerating.
i'm glad im not in the same fucking country, managed to have a great day without the phone around me and meeting new people,
talking about marriage. men and their bullshit to get back with a girl. i didnt even give him a chance and he still managed to get into my head and mess up my self confidence about not finding anyone that would have the same "lifestyle" i want. it's making me question his past relationship and if that's why it was so on and off.
fuck this, good night.