I almost asked for Al's help today, i need to be yanked out of bed and forced to study. his mom talked to me a few days ago, i wonder if he asked her to.
but i was worried it might get messy if i stay with him for a bit, i dont want anything sexual, i just need someone to take care of me really.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
6/4/14
I wish I had him right now. I feel like shit, so much shit. I need a hug, I need cuddles, I need him to play with my hair, I need someone to playfully pus me into studying. Fuck you, Al. you ruined everything.
Fuck you, family.
Fuck you, med school.
Fuck you, friends.
Fuck you, society.
Fuck you, religion.
Fuck you, sex.
Fuck you, drugs.
Just love me. Love me for who I am. Love me for my flaws. Why does there have to be fights?
Fuck you, family.
Fuck you, med school.
Fuck you, friends.
Fuck you, society.
Fuck you, religion.
Fuck you, sex.
Fuck you, drugs.
Just love me. Love me for who I am. Love me for my flaws. Why does there have to be fights?
Saturday, April 5, 2014
5/4/14
exams in a few days, gonna start studying today, we'll see how that goes.
went to a house party with my roommate last night, it started off awkward and as i didn't know anyone there, but then i loosened up, sang, danced, talked. even ended up talking politics all night with this Arab guy with fro, it was very interesting and i wasn't sure if there were chemistry or not. he asked if he'll ever see me again, and i said that we'll see. he was pretty cute and wasn't too forward, we didn't dance or do anything, but at the end of the night his friend came along and he was like: "i'm talking to you all night, but what was your name again?" I gave him my death stare, then he laughed, grabbed my hand and said B. he gave me a warm hug and left. I'm not sure how old he is coz he thought i was doing my PhD and when i told him i'm only 23, he was a little shocked and said: "oh, wow. you're young'. A lebanese guy grabbed my hand at some point and started Salsa dancing with me, he was pretty attractive, but i didn't get a chance to learn his name, coz we had to leave. There were also 4 girls that were pretty awesome, one lived in Australia, one was just hilarious and kept taking photos of me and Fro dude while we talked, one was the typical white girl whom i gave some life lessons, she said we'll hook up later, im hoping she means hang out.. and then was one who's originally from Tunisia and lives in Sweden, i played an Arab song for her and we belly danced together. and also those two guys who were friends with my roommate, they came over for an afterparty and were pretty hilarious.
It really cheered me up meeting people that weren't from college for one. especially that earlier in the day i was feeling horrible about my situation with Al..
went to a house party with my roommate last night, it started off awkward and as i didn't know anyone there, but then i loosened up, sang, danced, talked. even ended up talking politics all night with this Arab guy with fro, it was very interesting and i wasn't sure if there were chemistry or not. he asked if he'll ever see me again, and i said that we'll see. he was pretty cute and wasn't too forward, we didn't dance or do anything, but at the end of the night his friend came along and he was like: "i'm talking to you all night, but what was your name again?" I gave him my death stare, then he laughed, grabbed my hand and said B. he gave me a warm hug and left. I'm not sure how old he is coz he thought i was doing my PhD and when i told him i'm only 23, he was a little shocked and said: "oh, wow. you're young'. A lebanese guy grabbed my hand at some point and started Salsa dancing with me, he was pretty attractive, but i didn't get a chance to learn his name, coz we had to leave. There were also 4 girls that were pretty awesome, one lived in Australia, one was just hilarious and kept taking photos of me and Fro dude while we talked, one was the typical white girl whom i gave some life lessons, she said we'll hook up later, im hoping she means hang out.. and then was one who's originally from Tunisia and lives in Sweden, i played an Arab song for her and we belly danced together. and also those two guys who were friends with my roommate, they came over for an afterparty and were pretty hilarious.
It really cheered me up meeting people that weren't from college for one. especially that earlier in the day i was feeling horrible about my situation with Al..
Thursday, April 3, 2014
3/4/14
ok, so the doctor kinda asked me out. he literally just texted about going to a movie. i'm not sure how i feel about this. it's been pretty crazy with Al, all those texts and pleads. i emailed him about stuff he should be doing for the next month before he's allowed to speak to me. At the same time, i miss sex. i miss dick. I've been very horny lately, i want someone to grab me from my hair and kiss me hard. But even if Al changes, I'm not sure I can be sexual with him after than drunken night. The next month will prove to me if this is it between us.
As for the other dude, i don't think i'm really into him, but I like the attention, it's not too much or in my face, but i can tell he likes me. He's known me for about a month now and all he could come up with is if there's any good movies around.
Meh, i should be studying, rather than thinking of boys. man, this must be how guys feel like all the time. damn you, pussy.
As for the other dude, i don't think i'm really into him, but I like the attention, it's not too much or in my face, but i can tell he likes me. He's known me for about a month now and all he could come up with is if there's any good movies around.
Meh, i should be studying, rather than thinking of boys. man, this must be how guys feel like all the time. damn you, pussy.
Monday, March 31, 2014
31/1/14
Let's just hope i attend my final week and start studying.
He's been texting me lately, such a bad idea that will bite me in the ass later. I shouldn't be responding and I will regret this. I'm so worried that he's gonna keep texting and I'm just gonna get riled up instead of focusing on my studies.
He keeps saying that he's changing, as long as I don't meet him, this will relatively be kept under control.
pride, pride, pride, you need to walk with pride and not be shaken down by word of a boy. the boy who disrespected you and was horrible to you when he got drunk. horrible. humans have different sides, but you don't have to handle a side that's this ugly, no matter how sweet the other small side appears to be, it's only temporary. it's always when you first get back together, then prince charming always turns into a beast. keep that in mind. every single time, it's been like this. and you deserve so much better, you can do so much better.
It's easy to get back to your comfort zone, but there's 7 billion people in the world, there's bound to be one that's at least respectful to you.
Love is stupid. warmth is subjective.
get. it. together.
He's been texting me lately, such a bad idea that will bite me in the ass later. I shouldn't be responding and I will regret this. I'm so worried that he's gonna keep texting and I'm just gonna get riled up instead of focusing on my studies.
He keeps saying that he's changing, as long as I don't meet him, this will relatively be kept under control.
pride, pride, pride, you need to walk with pride and not be shaken down by word of a boy. the boy who disrespected you and was horrible to you when he got drunk. horrible. humans have different sides, but you don't have to handle a side that's this ugly, no matter how sweet the other small side appears to be, it's only temporary. it's always when you first get back together, then prince charming always turns into a beast. keep that in mind. every single time, it's been like this. and you deserve so much better, you can do so much better.
It's easy to get back to your comfort zone, but there's 7 billion people in the world, there's bound to be one that's at least respectful to you.
Love is stupid. warmth is subjective.
get. it. together.
Friday, March 28, 2014
28/3/14
Yesterday was surreal. I actually attended, and the cute doctor was helpful and I did a few exams, we even got to talking afterwards and it turns out he's 23, damn son! He asked me about my age and when I told him that I'm turning 23 tomorrow he said he's gonna have to get me a present now, I'm not expecting one, but it did cheer me up. I then went shopping and got myself this tiny bag that I wanted last year that's back in stock, had lunch with friends, got home and studied a little but then went to bed. And then at midnight someone opens my bedroom door then closes it again, it was a little weird. But it turned out to be 5 of my friends surprising me. 2 of them got me cupcakes, then one of them came from her peripheral with her own cake, and then the other one got more and they ended up pushing me Into one of the cakes, which lead to a food fight. It was so spontaneous and I loved it! I was surprised that Ab didn't even text me, while the Ham situation is still debatable, because I know he probably wants me to celebrate on sat to make it to al's birthday today, which I'm not gonna lie upset me when his friend called me to invite me... I can't believe they wanted me to tag along to his birthday even tho we don't speak and on my date. God this group is dumb. I smoked up a little and then saw a text from Al. I hate him but it made me smile. It was the perfect thing to say, especially that I kept complaining to my friends that I want a birthday princess Tiara today so I could wear. Why does he have to be such an asshole, when we could've been happy together? I still believe It's this thing he does where he doesn't like stability and gets bored, also let's not forget that friends always come first to him. When he texted I was pretty high and decided to text him the lyrics to the song in the background of the living room. Perfect timing, I guess. We used to listen to it around dawn when we first met, and I was thinking of him when he texted. For all I know he could be texting coz he feels sorry for me, rather than love. But people need to stop feeling sorry for me, cos I'm gonna be fine eventually. Hopefully I'll study this weekend. And now I'm gonna go to class late, but It's better than not going. :)
6pm
I have to get ready, there's a million things to do and I just keep reading last night's text. I dunno why it makes me feel so harm yet so sad. He texted me a few times afterwards, but there's no point in talking or meeting. I'm proud of myself for being strong and not going out with him today, and he did apologise but it just hurts that people want to chase you down, just to screw things up once they have you. I'm pretty sure there's thing that I could've done better in this relationship, but I don't think I'm victimising myself when I say he fucked up and treated me badly.
Remember , as much as that text was sweet, this was the same person that grabbed your hair, and then discussed your sex life in front of people. Don't forget that and go soft.
23. Better get my shit together.
6pm
I have to get ready, there's a million things to do and I just keep reading last night's text. I dunno why it makes me feel so harm yet so sad. He texted me a few times afterwards, but there's no point in talking or meeting. I'm proud of myself for being strong and not going out with him today, and he did apologise but it just hurts that people want to chase you down, just to screw things up once they have you. I'm pretty sure there's thing that I could've done better in this relationship, but I don't think I'm victimising myself when I say he fucked up and treated me badly.
Remember , as much as that text was sweet, this was the same person that grabbed your hair, and then discussed your sex life in front of people. Don't forget that and go soft.
23. Better get my shit together.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
26/3/14
Didn't attend, all I got from her was a cold text, Al's friends called inviting me to his birthday on Friday to make it a "joint" birthday, clearly he doesnt know we don't speak, and it makes sense why our mutual friends said to have my birthday on Saturday "because they're on peripherals", it'a gonna be an amazing week.. even more reasons as to why I need to cut more people off, as Childish as it sounds. But this is just causing me more anxiety, making me feel lonelier this week.
posted from Bloggeroid
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