25/4/14

I am going out of mind mind. Hoodie Allen acoustic songs in the background, in this dark bedroom and the window open to get some air. the temperature keeps raising and I am more agitated and hopeless by the day. on one said there's him just being a child, being nice, asking me out, being mean. Dude, if you wish you had never met me, why are you adding to the pressure I'm under? Why can't guys be nice for the sake of being nice to me and enjoying my company, it just has to be a relationship. just like that dumbass doctor, if i reject you, stop being nice to ask me out over, and over again.

And then those "friends" that come and complain that I cut them off, while they're hanging out with him when in town instead of me. Childish? I remember back when my ex cheated on me and my best friend gave out to him and lost respect for him after what he's done, he didn't punch him in the face, but i really respected that. so stop bitching.

I want to think of the happy times, and focus on that. Like date night with my bestie a few days ago where she was very spontaneous and took me out to the beach all dressed up for Lobster where we pretended to be fancy. or dancing with Stelios parents while taking shots of lemon liquor. having a whole break from my actual vacation to lay down with shay in bed and talk about life.


This shithole of a place is sucking me dry. I mean, what am I supposed to do with my parents situation? I have to go back home at some point and face my issues. is this what Karma is? me thinking of my own happiness in the beginning of the year is also the cause of my anxiety? but i have been stressed every time i go back home and having to put on the headscarf again. how can i make things fine? and when am i gonna start studying for my finals. what about elective? why the fuck am i not in the gym?
I sleep, wake up, lay in bed, sleep and the cycle goes on. Also there's the occasional food that i have no appetite for. watching all those dumbass shows instead of reading all those novels i've got. haven't seen my therapist in ages. i just feel stuck. i know what i'm supposed to do, i just need to fucking do it.


"We should take a walk someday, dream about what could've been"

I should've really smoked up a little today, i'm technically a stoner without the drugs.

I cannot do this. I need me a drink.

23/4/14

I Have no idea why i got so nervous leaving the house today. i felt relaxed when he wasnt in class. then when he walked in i got nervous again. part of me wanted to text him today, but i told myself it's for the best. we could've been happy, but so would every relationship in the world if it was a good fit.

just because you miss someone, just because it hurts, it does not mean you should fight for it.

and I hate that he wore that hoodie. i have nobody to watch that show with anymore.

part of me wanted him to text me today, but i'm glad he didn't because his happiness is important aswell.


I miss having someone put their hands on my back, cuddling, being boring in bed together.

20/8/14

"Home" started playing on 8tracks.com. it made me remember the time when we first met.

people really do change.

So many things happened in the past 24 hours, Al wasn't at the airport, which was a relief in a way, yet a reality check, that this is happening all over again.

Oh, the dancing with my Greek friends parents last night, seeing what true love is all about. Beautiful. especially how i was sent off to the airport. 

18/4/14

i've been contemplating why i'm talking to Al this week, especially that he's a major reason to why i'm taking the break. he's just dragging my spirit and going way off with the travel plans and hanging out, even if it is charming, it did show a sort of impulsive that is alarming. because we could break up on an impulse aswell. last night we had an argument and i couldn't enjoy my night out with the girls, i noticed after 3 shots i did start to loosen up and dance, but then the anger showed up again and i ended up talking to him and arguing and crying, it wasn't as dramatic as before, but it still wasn't a way to spend the holidays. i noticed how temporary my happiness was with alcohol and that i needed more to keep up with it, but i controlled myself because that's a slippery slope i shouldn't go through.

I told him not to speak to me again and it seems that whatever this week was has finally ended, the only problem is, although we broke up 6 weeks ago, having to say it again feels like another break up that starts the grieving process all over again. i hate this. i shouldn't be feeling down. but that's what he always does. get under my skin then disappear on an on and off basis, this doesn't mean that i want him back, but why couldnt he just stay away after the break up so i can properly get over him. talking back and forth about how we can be together is only messing with my emotions. if it's over i need it to be properly over.

in 24 hours i'll be packing my stuff back home, this isn't how i'm supposed to end my vacation. this is not the clarity i had hoped for.

damn you and your mind games. and at the end of the day yes, you will have your friends to support you even if you were momentarily alone, and i'll still be fucked in the head. and yes i know this is more of a chase to him than true love, which also isn't healthy for my sanity. and yes there's a chance you're gonna try and find this blog again and read all of this, but fuck it, you hurt me, karma needs to hurt you back.

Men are disgusting and drain the life out of you.

14/4/14

the amount of fuckery of the past two nights was unbelievable, and then he gives me an LOL and an OK as if im exaggerating.
i'm glad im not in the same fucking country, managed to have a great day without the phone around me and meeting new people,
talking about marriage. men and their bullshit to get back with a girl. i didnt even give him a chance and he still managed to get into my head and mess up my self confidence about not finding anyone that would have the same "lifestyle" i want. it's making me question his past relationship and if that's why it was so on and off.
fuck this, good night.

8/4/14

I almost asked for Al's help today, i need to be yanked out of bed and forced to study. his mom talked to me a few days ago, i wonder if he asked her to.

but i was worried it might get messy if i stay with him for a bit, i dont want anything sexual, i just need someone to take care of me really.

6/4/14

I wish I had him right now. I feel like shit, so much shit. I need a hug, I need cuddles, I need him to play with my hair, I need someone to playfully pus me into studying. Fuck you, Al. you ruined everything.

Fuck you, family.
Fuck you, med school.
Fuck you, friends.
Fuck you, society.
Fuck you, religion.
Fuck you, sex.
Fuck you, drugs.

Just love me. Love me for who I am. Love me for my flaws. Why does there have to be fights?

5/4/14

exams in a few days, gonna start studying today, we'll see how that goes.

went to a house party with my roommate last night, it started off awkward and as i didn't know anyone there, but then i loosened up, sang, danced, talked. even ended up talking politics all night with this Arab guy with fro, it was very interesting and i wasn't sure if there were chemistry or not. he asked if he'll ever see me again, and i said that we'll see. he was pretty cute and wasn't too forward, we didn't dance or do anything, but at the end of the night his friend came along and he was like: "i'm talking to you all night, but what was your name again?" I gave him my death stare, then he laughed, grabbed my hand and said B. he gave me a warm hug and left. I'm not sure how old he is coz he thought i was doing my PhD and when i told him i'm only 23, he was a little shocked and said: "oh, wow. you're young'. A lebanese guy grabbed my hand at some point and started Salsa dancing with me, he was pretty attractive, but i didn't get a chance to learn his name, coz we had to leave. There were also 4 girls that were pretty awesome, one lived in Australia, one was just hilarious and kept taking photos of me and Fro dude while we talked, one was the typical white girl whom i gave some life lessons, she said we'll hook up later, im hoping she means hang out.. and then was one who's originally from Tunisia and lives in Sweden, i played an Arab song for her and we belly danced together. and also those two guys who were friends with my roommate, they came over for an afterparty and were pretty hilarious.

It really cheered me up meeting people that weren't from college for one. especially that earlier in the day i was feeling horrible about my situation with Al..

3/4/14

ok, so the doctor kinda asked me out. he literally just texted about going to a movie. i'm not sure how i feel about this. it's been pretty crazy with Al, all those texts and pleads. i emailed him about stuff he should be doing for the next month before he's allowed to speak to me. At the same time, i miss sex. i miss dick. I've been very horny lately, i want someone to grab me from my hair and kiss me hard. But even if Al changes, I'm not sure I can be sexual with him after than drunken night. The next month will prove to me if this is it between us.

As for the other dude, i don't think i'm really into him, but I like the attention, it's not too much or in my face, but i can tell he likes me. He's known me for about a month now and all he could come up with is if there's any good movies around.

Meh, i should be studying, rather than thinking of boys. man, this must be how guys feel like all the time. damn you, pussy.