How do you take a big step with someone, when you don't have the ability to communicate?
Not to debate, not to argue, but to actually speak.
I am intimidated by you, even when you smile. it scares me to think that you would know how I disagree, that you might one day discover that I'm not the person you think I am. I don't have the ability to be honest with you, even if it's stupid, even if it is irrelevant.
Maybe it's all in my head, but I've come to realize that I am diminished in your presence.
A pussy.
I admit it, I really am a pussy. I choke. I cannot stand confrontations, especially when i'm with you.
I don't think there's any other way to explain it, I have managed to hide my true self for the past 22 years, and I'm not woman enough to stand up and just say no. Same way I was too afraid to confront you 10 years ago.
Until someone makes me snap, I don't feel the need to confront. I don't like arguing, it makes me nauseous and sweaty.
Why won't you just make me snap, so I could get this over with?
Stop being a pussy, already.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
And again
You left, again.
Broke my heart, again.
Changed your mind, again.
Judged me, again.
stigmatized my faith, again.
Pulled the family card, again.
Empty promises, again.
Forgot the good times, again.
Shut me out, again.
Kicked while I'm down, again.
I fell for you, again.
opened up, again.
Unbearable pain, again.
Lonely nights, again.
Feening you, again.
Endless theoretical scenarios, again.
Constant self-doubt, again.
shattered self-esteem, again.
Spacing out, again.
Insomniac thoughts, again.
Self-pity, again.
Filling the void, again.
Emotional eating, again.
Meaningless flings, again.
Remember everything you're feeling right now, don't let this ever happen again.
Broke my heart, again.
Changed your mind, again.
Judged me, again.
stigmatized my faith, again.
Pulled the family card, again.
Empty promises, again.
Forgot the good times, again.
Shut me out, again.
Kicked while I'm down, again.
I fell for you, again.
opened up, again.
Unbearable pain, again.
Lonely nights, again.
Feening you, again.
Endless theoretical scenarios, again.
Constant self-doubt, again.
shattered self-esteem, again.
Spacing out, again.
Insomniac thoughts, again.
Self-pity, again.
Filling the void, again.
Emotional eating, again.
Meaningless flings, again.
Remember everything you're feeling right now, don't let this ever happen again.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Never be another - Delilah
For the past couple of days, I've been too tired and down to study, I just want to lay down, sleep or eat, could it be my period? I also feel this sudden change in my libido, I'm very hyper-sexual with no ways of satisfying my urges, Thank you for being there, vibrator. Maybe it is my period.
in a way I think I'm entering some sort of "depression" phase from being here and what's going on around me. The Hijab, the recent crumbling friendship, the somewhat unstable partner that I can never fully read.
My life is not hell, my life is fine, I won't lie and say that I have the toughest up-bringing and the most tragic story. I shouldn't have a reason to feel down, but whenever I leave the house these days, I can't help but cruise around to clear my thoughts, how can I ever be happy living here?
Call it westernisation.
Call it brainwash.
I'm not exactly ecstatic about the idea of graduating and coming back to this lifestyle. I am nothing but my body, it doesn't matter if I'm the smartest or the most interesting, if i'm not married, I am nothing. If i'm not married, I will always be bound by my fathers authority and independence is not an option. If I do get married, it needs to be to an equal and not someone who also has authority towards me.
(Could this be why I'm not studying hard enough?)
This is probably why i'm very adamant towards making lasting friendships, people who I can call family. Not that my family are complete monsters - Although,a few characters are debatable in this story - But I love the idea of having people who love me unconditionally, this neediness probably stems from my parents somewhat cold upbringing of me, we were not exactly a hug-and-talk kind of family, I really had to work on it with my mother, and only recently have my dad held my hand during a conversation to express affection, which was a new experience, my dad does hug me sometimes, like when i'm back in the country, but it was very foreign for me to have a father-figure; rather than a partner, hold my hand to show their love. Physical affection has never been the norm in this family until recently, which is way I find it very confusing, as I grow up only getting it from people who are interested in me.
I've noticed that the closer the person is to their family, the less likely they need to be in a relationship, I don't know if it's the increased boredom that comes along with being a female in this society or the lack of physical affection as a child, but I have been somewhat of a serial dater, I haven't been single for an entire year for at least 5 years, and when i am single for about 6 months or so, I find myself always thinking about my most recent relationship.
Whenever I focus on my studies and friendships more, I find it easier to not need a man in my life.
(Note-to-self: seriously start studying tomorrow, you've wasted so much time. 4 years to be more specific)
However, friendships are not that easy either, it gets broken down to two categories:
1. Muslim friends: these are some of my friends who are always there for me, but only know half of the story when it comes to my life, I cherish their existence, but I don't have it in my to tell them who I really am, which is when the friendship hits a roadblock, I see our friendship as something lasting, but we would be closer if I could truly be myself.
2. Like-minded friends: the people who have the same mentality as me, even same background sometimes. now, it's hard to find Arabs that have the same mentality, I don't mind being friends with non-Arabs, but as I have explained, It's hard to make these friendships when there's pre-conceived ideas about who I am. It's very refreshing to me when I meet people who do fit into this category, but This category unfortunately has two sub-categories:
2A. Fun-friends: party friends, they're there if you want to go out, have fun and get fucked up, but you cannot trust them with your issues and concerns, mainly because they don't care and that they might and would use it against you or circulate your private life to people. it's not that I'm a very private person, but I'd like to have a conversation with someone who's interested in helping, and not just find my life an interesting story to tell, I cannot afford having my family know who I really am. Also, you know they'd never have your back once shit hits the fan.
2B. real-friends: Exactly what I'm looking for, and -K is one of the few real friends I've had for years that really understands who I am as a person. I don't need to go into details, but I'm grateful whenever I meet anyone in this category.
And here's where the fun starts, how can I differentiate? Why do I put so much effort into a friendship (as much as I would put into a relationship, to be blunt) and then it turns out I was just a fun friend? And yes, I'm talking about a specific friend because I really am hurt, I know it makes me sound like a pussy teenager, but I don't like putting my energy in a friendship and calling them my best friend if they're not willing to invest in me, and I end up being ignored. I need family if I'm not going to be pushy in my relationships, I do consider you family if you're part of my small circle. It's been 4 years since I graduated from high-school where everyone wanted to be my friend, and it's really hard trying to form these connections with all the changes I've been going through, so I need my support system.
As much as I would want to be my partners best-friend, I don't think that's ever going to happen. Recently he's been going through problems with his family, and his private life got to them somehow, which is something I have been through in the past, and I'm trying to get through that nutshell that is his mentality, but I don't seem to get anywhere, I feel shunned and ignored, and it's kind of the same feeling I'm getting from my former best-friend. I'm trying to be there for both of them, but I feel like i'm just coming out as annoying. Why is it so easy for me to open up to people, when they themselves either get bored (like the friend) or don't see me as someone that can help them feel better (like my partner).
At least I know my friend won't be in the picture any more, since I think I was more of a fad friend then a real friend which really stings, but when it comes to my partner, I'm not sure how I can be a safe haven for his thoughts, I don't want him to suffer alone, he doesn't deserve it and he is genuinely a good soul. It seems that he is slowly slipping away into his own religious Arab thoughts and I will be distanced as the time goes. This could be my paranoia talking. Who knows, we could actually work it out, while still coming from different spiritual backgrounds.
Side-note: The song is very dark, sexy and disturbing. I can't seem to get over it whenever I enter one of my "moods", the idea of a night filled with bondage and control is very sensual. I should probably start reading 50 Shades of Grey, it seems like a good way to explore my sexuality.
in a way I think I'm entering some sort of "depression" phase from being here and what's going on around me. The Hijab, the recent crumbling friendship, the somewhat unstable partner that I can never fully read.
My life is not hell, my life is fine, I won't lie and say that I have the toughest up-bringing and the most tragic story. I shouldn't have a reason to feel down, but whenever I leave the house these days, I can't help but cruise around to clear my thoughts, how can I ever be happy living here?
Call it westernisation.
Call it brainwash.
I'm not exactly ecstatic about the idea of graduating and coming back to this lifestyle. I am nothing but my body, it doesn't matter if I'm the smartest or the most interesting, if i'm not married, I am nothing. If i'm not married, I will always be bound by my fathers authority and independence is not an option. If I do get married, it needs to be to an equal and not someone who also has authority towards me.
(Could this be why I'm not studying hard enough?)
This is probably why i'm very adamant towards making lasting friendships, people who I can call family. Not that my family are complete monsters - Although,a few characters are debatable in this story - But I love the idea of having people who love me unconditionally, this neediness probably stems from my parents somewhat cold upbringing of me, we were not exactly a hug-and-talk kind of family, I really had to work on it with my mother, and only recently have my dad held my hand during a conversation to express affection, which was a new experience, my dad does hug me sometimes, like when i'm back in the country, but it was very foreign for me to have a father-figure; rather than a partner, hold my hand to show their love. Physical affection has never been the norm in this family until recently, which is way I find it very confusing, as I grow up only getting it from people who are interested in me.
I've noticed that the closer the person is to their family, the less likely they need to be in a relationship, I don't know if it's the increased boredom that comes along with being a female in this society or the lack of physical affection as a child, but I have been somewhat of a serial dater, I haven't been single for an entire year for at least 5 years, and when i am single for about 6 months or so, I find myself always thinking about my most recent relationship.
Whenever I focus on my studies and friendships more, I find it easier to not need a man in my life.
(Note-to-self: seriously start studying tomorrow, you've wasted so much time. 4 years to be more specific)
However, friendships are not that easy either, it gets broken down to two categories:
1. Muslim friends: these are some of my friends who are always there for me, but only know half of the story when it comes to my life, I cherish their existence, but I don't have it in my to tell them who I really am, which is when the friendship hits a roadblock, I see our friendship as something lasting, but we would be closer if I could truly be myself.
2. Like-minded friends: the people who have the same mentality as me, even same background sometimes. now, it's hard to find Arabs that have the same mentality, I don't mind being friends with non-Arabs, but as I have explained, It's hard to make these friendships when there's pre-conceived ideas about who I am. It's very refreshing to me when I meet people who do fit into this category, but This category unfortunately has two sub-categories:
2A. Fun-friends: party friends, they're there if you want to go out, have fun and get fucked up, but you cannot trust them with your issues and concerns, mainly because they don't care and that they might and would use it against you or circulate your private life to people. it's not that I'm a very private person, but I'd like to have a conversation with someone who's interested in helping, and not just find my life an interesting story to tell, I cannot afford having my family know who I really am. Also, you know they'd never have your back once shit hits the fan.
2B. real-friends: Exactly what I'm looking for, and -K is one of the few real friends I've had for years that really understands who I am as a person. I don't need to go into details, but I'm grateful whenever I meet anyone in this category.
And here's where the fun starts, how can I differentiate? Why do I put so much effort into a friendship (as much as I would put into a relationship, to be blunt) and then it turns out I was just a fun friend? And yes, I'm talking about a specific friend because I really am hurt, I know it makes me sound like a pussy teenager, but I don't like putting my energy in a friendship and calling them my best friend if they're not willing to invest in me, and I end up being ignored. I need family if I'm not going to be pushy in my relationships, I do consider you family if you're part of my small circle. It's been 4 years since I graduated from high-school where everyone wanted to be my friend, and it's really hard trying to form these connections with all the changes I've been going through, so I need my support system.
As much as I would want to be my partners best-friend, I don't think that's ever going to happen. Recently he's been going through problems with his family, and his private life got to them somehow, which is something I have been through in the past, and I'm trying to get through that nutshell that is his mentality, but I don't seem to get anywhere, I feel shunned and ignored, and it's kind of the same feeling I'm getting from my former best-friend. I'm trying to be there for both of them, but I feel like i'm just coming out as annoying. Why is it so easy for me to open up to people, when they themselves either get bored (like the friend) or don't see me as someone that can help them feel better (like my partner).
At least I know my friend won't be in the picture any more, since I think I was more of a fad friend then a real friend which really stings, but when it comes to my partner, I'm not sure how I can be a safe haven for his thoughts, I don't want him to suffer alone, he doesn't deserve it and he is genuinely a good soul. It seems that he is slowly slipping away into his own religious Arab thoughts and I will be distanced as the time goes. This could be my paranoia talking. Who knows, we could actually work it out, while still coming from different spiritual backgrounds.
Side-note: The song is very dark, sexy and disturbing. I can't seem to get over it whenever I enter one of my "moods", the idea of a night filled with bondage and control is very sensual. I should probably start reading 50 Shades of Grey, it seems like a good way to explore my sexuality.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Parallel universe
A few days ago I was in Europe.
Independent, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
confident, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
social, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
Opinionated, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
I wake up as I please, I do my own groceries, I work out at the gym, I study at the library, I go on nights out with my other family, I fall inlove, I shop till I drop, I have my alone time in the park.
I'm me. I'm just another person on Earth, nobody gives a damn about what I do there.
Opinionated, it's not ok for a female to be that, here. But up until a few days ago, I was determined to come back home and tell my parents who I really am.
Many times have my mother complained about my "strong personality" and that I am unrealistic for wanting to be equal to a man. I would put her through a hard time in finding a suitable husband. I have an opinion, opinions are bad for the female brain.
I still am unaccustomed to the feeling of the wind on my skin, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, as it's been over 10 years since my parents told me to put on the Hijab.
"Is it pathetic that I can't remember the last time I felt the warm air on my skin?"
"Can I please walk down the street without my hat tonight? All the Arabs are back home, nobody is going to tell my parents"
"I look so normal, I think I fit in"
"Nobody assumed that I'm Muslim, Not even Arab"
The same people that would've never approached me in school when I'm veiled, would come up to me at a party telling me that they loved my outfit, that they've never seen me before, I don't blame them. I'm not myself when I put it on, I feel misjudged, awkward and self-conscious. Yes, me; the loudest person you'll ever meet, I'm very self-conscious when I put it on.
This is not about dressing up, or wanting to look attractive, There's no argument that putting on the Hijab makes you less attractive; or it would've defeated it's purpose, It's the fact that this is something I do no believe in that is forced on me.
I don't see women as nothing but a sex object that needs to be either covered or paraded by society.
I don't see that by covering my body men will think that I am a good person and am a good candidate for their future.
I don't believe that by standing the heat because I am a woman will grant me Happiness and serenity in the after-life.
I don't believe that my parents were right about forbidding me from participating in any sports related activities to guard my virginity.
I don't believe in anything.
I still don't know who I am, I don't think it's fair that my parents get to decide on who I should be, people's opportunities are based on which family they were born in it, and I'm sick of not being myself due to my circumstances.
A day before coming back home for the Holidays, I had a see-through blouse with a tank top underneath it that showed a part of my belly. I am 22 years old, and this is the furthest skin I have ever shown in Daylight.
I have gotten so comfortable with the idea of taking off my Hijab, that I didn't wear it until the last hour before my arival. I slept in my tank top on the plane and I did not care, this is my body, I would like to sleep and there's nothing wrong with that.
This whole semester, I've been thinking "I'm going to tell my dad, and there's nothing he can do about it, I'm an adult now" Oh, but he can. I honestly don't know if taking off my Hijab would affect the scholarship that I'm on, but I'm too much of a chicken to find out. I only have 2 years left, and I'm not sure if I should risk it.
The first day I see my dad and all my confidence shatters to pieces. He greeted me by telling me that he loves the flowy outfit I'm wearing, and it shows how much of a good girl I am.
He seemed very proud. it broke my heart.
If only you knew dad, I cry about this almost once a month, I feel like as I get older, I'm wasting the best years of my life not being myself, and then I have to graduate and come back to this society, where I no longer have a choice, where I no longer have a voice.
Why do you have to be so proud, Dad?
Independent, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
confident, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
social, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
Opinionated, It's ok for a female to be that, there.
I wake up as I please, I do my own groceries, I work out at the gym, I study at the library, I go on nights out with my other family, I fall inlove, I shop till I drop, I have my alone time in the park.
I'm me. I'm just another person on Earth, nobody gives a damn about what I do there.
Opinionated, it's not ok for a female to be that, here. But up until a few days ago, I was determined to come back home and tell my parents who I really am.
Many times have my mother complained about my "strong personality" and that I am unrealistic for wanting to be equal to a man. I would put her through a hard time in finding a suitable husband. I have an opinion, opinions are bad for the female brain.
I still am unaccustomed to the feeling of the wind on my skin, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, as it's been over 10 years since my parents told me to put on the Hijab.
"Is it pathetic that I can't remember the last time I felt the warm air on my skin?"
"Can I please walk down the street without my hat tonight? All the Arabs are back home, nobody is going to tell my parents"
"I look so normal, I think I fit in"
"Nobody assumed that I'm Muslim, Not even Arab"
The same people that would've never approached me in school when I'm veiled, would come up to me at a party telling me that they loved my outfit, that they've never seen me before, I don't blame them. I'm not myself when I put it on, I feel misjudged, awkward and self-conscious. Yes, me; the loudest person you'll ever meet, I'm very self-conscious when I put it on.
This is not about dressing up, or wanting to look attractive, There's no argument that putting on the Hijab makes you less attractive; or it would've defeated it's purpose, It's the fact that this is something I do no believe in that is forced on me.
I don't see women as nothing but a sex object that needs to be either covered or paraded by society.
I don't see that by covering my body men will think that I am a good person and am a good candidate for their future.
I don't believe that by standing the heat because I am a woman will grant me Happiness and serenity in the after-life.
I don't believe that my parents were right about forbidding me from participating in any sports related activities to guard my virginity.
I don't believe in anything.
I still don't know who I am, I don't think it's fair that my parents get to decide on who I should be, people's opportunities are based on which family they were born in it, and I'm sick of not being myself due to my circumstances.
A day before coming back home for the Holidays, I had a see-through blouse with a tank top underneath it that showed a part of my belly. I am 22 years old, and this is the furthest skin I have ever shown in Daylight.
I have gotten so comfortable with the idea of taking off my Hijab, that I didn't wear it until the last hour before my arival. I slept in my tank top on the plane and I did not care, this is my body, I would like to sleep and there's nothing wrong with that.
This whole semester, I've been thinking "I'm going to tell my dad, and there's nothing he can do about it, I'm an adult now" Oh, but he can. I honestly don't know if taking off my Hijab would affect the scholarship that I'm on, but I'm too much of a chicken to find out. I only have 2 years left, and I'm not sure if I should risk it.
The first day I see my dad and all my confidence shatters to pieces. He greeted me by telling me that he loves the flowy outfit I'm wearing, and it shows how much of a good girl I am.
He seemed very proud. it broke my heart.
If only you knew dad, I cry about this almost once a month, I feel like as I get older, I'm wasting the best years of my life not being myself, and then I have to graduate and come back to this society, where I no longer have a choice, where I no longer have a voice.
Why do you have to be so proud, Dad?
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