Risk

Today I'm placed in an area that's far from town, and I took off my Hijab to work. There aren't any nosey arabs in my group, so I thought, why not? But I can't help but to think about whether this was a good or bad idea. on one hand, it's very unlikely to have my parents find out, I could wean them in with the idea, and they wouldn't have to know when exactly did I take it off. but on the other hand, what if the Arabs get the word back to my parents. I don't want to suck it through college years and not be happy with who I am, but I wanna get into a lot of stress with my family. all of this because of a piece of fabric.

Fuck you

Fuck your memory.
Fuck your mood swings.
Fuck your depression.
Fuck your religion.
Fuck your inability to cum.
Fuck your controlling Habits.
Fuck your smoking.
Fuck your drugs.
Fuck your mommy issues.
Fuck your spineless back.
Fuck your empty promises.
Fuck your empty threats.
Fuck your existence.
Fuck your ability to make me feel stupid.
Fuck your persistence to fuck.
Fuck your double standards.
Fuck your ability to forget me.
Fuck your new found Happiness.
Fuck your aggression.
Fuck your possessiveness.
Fuck your vanity.
Fuck your smile.
Fuck all the times I tried.
Fuck all the times I forgave.
Fuck all the times I forgot.
Fuck all the times I fell apart.

Identity crisis

identity crisis

n.

1. A psychosocial state or condition of disorientation and role confusion occurring especially in adolescents as a result of conflicting internal and external experiences, pressures, and expectations and often producing acute anxiety.

2. An analogous state of confusion occurring in a social structure, such as an institution or a corporation

It's funny how I'm no longer an adolescent, yet this is still a part of me.

I spent a full week being myself. an entire week where I didn't have to look over my shoulder whenever I leave the house, and didn't have to worry about my brother finding out that I am not wearing a scarf. It wasn't long ago, but I miss it beyond belief. amazing how one piece of cloth defines me as a person. There I was in a country where nobody knew who I was, and I got to wear whatever I wanted. I didn't care about make up, I didn't do my hair and I didn't even care about shaving - that much - because the fact that the sunlight was touching my skin was enough. having the wind blow into my hair was enough. I've never really felt confident about my looks without make up when I'm wearing Hijab, and Its not really about how I look, but I just left like myself. I didn't care if people stared at my friend and I while we danced in the middle of the street completely sober. I didn't care about walking around naked infront of my friend after a tanning session. that was who I am for a very short period, and it stings.

reality's a Bitch.

Day one of wearing Hijab at University, and all I could think of all day were these few remarks that I kept obsessing over:

1. Do I look ok?

2. Maybe it's not that bad.

3. This isn't me.

4. But I guess it's not that bad.

5. Why didn't that person smile at me? It's obviously from the Hijab.

6. I look nice, let me just accept this.

I'm not a writer, this isn't meant to flow nice, these are my thoughts. and the main thought that I've been having for the past 10 years is self-loathing. I don't know if this is subconscious jealousy because my best friend got to do it, and i'm still stuck in Hijabi land. I mean, I actually am happy for her and I do feel really proud, but I wish it was me.

I should seek professional help in this, this is not the time to fight my own battles.

note-to-self: Write something every day, journaling keeps you sane.